It's Complicated!

[25yearsmlc]

fyi,
he knows what he promised. At the very least, he knows he wasn't with his own children on Christmas. He knows he's failed, again. He's busy now justifying that, or denying it, or blocking it out. He's in the tunnel and he's an alien now. Surely you've seen that wording around here when it comes to some WAS and most MLCers. You can "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."

Since he's not around, (may as well think of him being in the Australian bush, unreachable unless he finds a satellite phone and CALLS you) you don't have to figure out what his words mean, as there aren't any.

Thing is, when you eventually hear from him, he'll be expecting cold or hell from you. Don't give it to him. Instead, you'll be calm, upbeat, without any expectations.
It's a 180'. IF he even mentions it, or says he was mad or depressed or busy, unless he attacks YOU for missing it, you can say, "oh too bad, it was really fun..." and leave it at that. Maybe promise him you'll send some photos when you have time...but since you are busy GAL that may take awhile... If he somehow blames you for missing out, (don't know how, but nothing shocks us on this board) you can say, "Hey, sorry you missed Christmas with your family but we both know it's NOT MY responsibility to keep you and our children connected" and stay on message, don't get sucked into any battles. Stay on point, in the now.

You will have to balance it, as we ALL do at some points, against being a doormat. Meaning, for example, if he owes you money for rent/child support for God's sake, and "forgets" to pay that, that AIN"T OKAY...but anything other than what the kids need, and what he is legally obligated to pay, probably should stay off limits. Express yourself calmly as best you can at all times, with your h. Otherwise the anger validates his idiotic choices. Contrast that whole attack/insinuate/accuse/manipulate thing with pleasant indifference...You don't need him to be happy and neither do your children.

Also, if you head down the road towards d, get a L and let them do the ugly work. That's why we're here. Don't engage or let him play the victim, as WAS do. Generally, I'd assume nothing is coming from him but whatever is legally mandated and nothing more. Period. Don't ask, don't expect, don't whine. He feels burdened, right or wrong. Don't add to it.

So you know, I have two relatives who divorced, only to remarry/reconciliate later. One took 8 years to reconcile and the other took 5, and both couples say the 2nd time around was better. Yep, that's a long time and as far as I know, neither of my relatives planned on a reconciliation. My aunt was the one who left, and for my cousin, I think it was mutual. Both couples had kids. Both had gotten very mad at the time and all, but stayed cordial enough, eventually, to be able to be friends and had the kids in common and didn't hit below the belt too often, so they were able to build on the friendship they had later on.

I am NOT saying that will happen, I am saying it has, and some couples have to D, to move forward and learn whatever it is, and end up together anyhow. But we all know couples who end up divorced, and look back on some wasted years in which one gave so much more...and we wonder, what if they'd left sooner? I say, better to wonder if you've stayed too long than to wonder if you bailed too early.
You've been here awhile, although who is to say what the time limit is? Check your heart and what is really good for your children, given the givens. If your h isn't likely to come back and fully commit, how healthy is that for YOU, or them?
What does it prevent you from doing? obviously it prevents you from someday finding someone who will love you well and as you deserve and it prevents your kids from seeing you in a healthy trusting R. A relationship without numerous phone calls wondering what he's doing or where he is, etc. I mean, his unreachable status at this time of year is pretty crappy. Speaks volumes and is it cyclical for him? You felt you were making progress but this is the 3rd or 4th Christmas without him, correct? yikes. What's his excuse for the past ones....?? Wait, I don't want you to focus on all that now.

No matter.

For now, your H is AWOL as a father and h. That's crummy. But you aren't. You are with your children where you belong and you sound as if you have a fun supportive sister. God bless sisters!! You'll find some more here too.
Sounds as if your h has had issues for some time, or the m has. Either way, what 180's are YOU doing for your life and GAL?

Think of some good 180's and resolutions you'll keep for the new year and "Make 2009...."mighty fine"? (Oh come on, that wasn't that bad for 5 seconds of thinking...) sheesh!
j-