Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Went and signed the lease on my new apartment. H has basically said I can have any of the furniture I want, and he is going to help me move in and get the TV and computer hooked up. He's really been very supportive and accomodating the past week. I know he feels guilty, but I don't want his guilt. I want his motivation to work on our M. But, he has to find that with-in himself.

Our D24 sent him a very scathing e-mail and link to her "blog page" where she has posted some absolutely venomous feelings toward H. She and her dad have always had issues, and it breaks my heart to see it because I love them both. They both have drawn lines in the sand and expect the other to make the first step to set things right. Both so stubborn, and neither one able to give voice to their emotions. D24 is high functioning autistic, so she has an excuse for her difficulty. H's only excuse is that he is a DAM. D24 also said some nasty stuff about OW, and even referred to her kid as "demon spawn brat". (another sympton of HFA is the gradiose colorful wording).

Needless to say, H was very angry (and underneath very hurt) by this behavior from D24. In our discussion regarding this and other stuff about S17, H said "This is why you are all better off without me!" I replied "Well, that just makes it all easy for you if you believe that, doesn't it?". Anyway, I called and took D24 to task on this issue and told her she owed us all an apology (S17 is very angry that she did this too, feels she "betrayed the family"), and did the mom guilt thing of reminding her of all the things H has done for her in her life (and there are many). I also told her that saying anything about OW's child was WAY out of line and complete BS. That's an innocent child!!! I told her that we would all be better off in this family if everyone just accepted responsibility for their own happiness and stopped blaming everyone else! I then called H back and told him that I had told her this, and he said that I made a very good point! (I hope this meant that he saw the correlation to his own recent behavior too......)

I feel like I am finally getting somewhat of a handle on my life. I see the pain my H is in and the struggle he goes through and frustration he feels, but I am now able to see it but not internalize it to some extent. I think that being in a new place all my own is a very good growth step for me and I am looking forward to it.

My feeling and desires have not changed though. I love my H with all my heart and I believe that inside him is a good man who genuinely wants to have a fulfilling relationship and is capable of having one. I hope that he comes around to realize that himself one day AND is willing to entertain the idea of building that relationship with me!! I don't want to believe that he never loved me like he has said, or that it can't be re-built. Maybe I'm in denial. I hope not! But, I think that I am getting closer to the belief that I will be OK even without him. I've always known intellectually I would be OK. It's getting my heart to believe it that's been and continues to be the battle. But, I think I am making progress.....