WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[25yearsmlc]

LD,

yes the fake OW, jealousy and pseudo dating is a dangerous game I guess. But then again, whatever works! But play it well my friend. If you're too obvious about it, you'll lose. However, I have seen couples get back together b/c the WAS "forgot" that the LBSer might NOT WAIT forever, or be hanging around for scraps of time, and sometimes the idiot WAS can only see what a great catch they have, when they're hit over the head with "what? OP wants LBSer??" hammer to "get it."

As long as your w doesn't think you've set a wedding date with OW, what's wrong with a little mystery? You seem to be playing it down, which is great and discreet, and exactly what a good guy would do. Your w's response was NOT the one to fear, which is indifference. She cared...she must have.

Now, maybe you fear that she'll use this as an excuse for her own behavior, hmmm, I don't buy it. She knows what came first and at some level, she knows the risk she took. I also don't buy the idea that she'll be able to say "well if you really cared about me, you would be waiting alone, for me to figure everything out..." that's a game of selfishness that many WAS try to play but not overtly as it is too unfair and openly so even for them.

Have you read "The Five Love Languaged" by Chapman? It might do you a world of good in understanding your w and marriage and yourself for that matter.

It's rare for a WAS to believe that they are justified in their actions b/c of a new person noticing your positive attributes b/c it makes no sense. If you are a jerk, why would OW want you? NOW there is an exception for anger. If you react angrily now, no matter how justified, it often serves as the 'proof" about what a jerk you were/are and therefore how 'right' she was to go off.... But OW noticing you?? If anything, it undermines their theory of you being a jerk. As I note below, it also suggests the possibility that their data about you was flawed, as rationalizations often are, OR that you've actually changed...

I mean, whatever rationalizations/justifications your w had when she began to see OM, she had before you went on your semi-date. Seems to me that the fact other women find you attractive, or intriguing, means your wife's rationalizations might not have been accurate. OR maybe you've changed. That is often the best realistic scenario. Let's say your w had some halfway good reasons for feeling unloved or poorly treated. If I recall, you said drinking was something you're now avoiding. So you ARE improving. Your w may have had some validity to her feelings, but the thing is, that issue is NOT relevant now with the NEW IMPROVED YOU... other women noticing you, your w's bf commenting and passing it on in some form, well, it is a gamble but if I were a betting woman, so far, I'd say you are doing fine.

You do have to behave with honor, and respect for the mother of your children and you are as far as I can tell. I'm curious about the ring wearing though. Is that for your d's benefit? Is the w actually openly living with OM? That matters to me, although I'm not able to articulate exactly how or why.

I mean, what about shutting the door, not looking back (but not locking the door) and moving forward with your family, sans mama, for now? But my own case with h, I THINK the trips were most striking to him, since he knew he was the outsider and it was no one's fault but his. He did note a man had called me asking me to go to a show (not a date, but a colleague, but why tell h that? None of his business at the time....) and did Not seem UNconcerned. But he also knew He had risked the marriage, as your w has. He admitted that. (BTW, so you know that they don't always recall well, especially if your w is MLCing, as she may be, my h does NOT recall saying "I'm willing to take that chance" when asked if he realized our M was endangered by his choices. I know when he said it and where I was standing...but he is blank on it. wth? MLCers are not rational at times and you MUST accept this. Otherwise you'll need crazy pills. Has anyone told you the classic response for MLCers? It's "IGNORE EVERYTHING THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO" and definitely ignore alien spew which is what they'll do when they revise the marital history to suit their present day choices.

At some points, my h did own up to damaging the family and his R's with the kids, but then would retreat defensively if I did anything that suggested agreement with his assessment. I suspect the guilt gets to them and they can only handle brief periods of real awareness and then they have to change the subject. Wouldn't we all? For us, It's like discovering you ran over your kid backing up the car, and who'd want to focus on that? Better to shrug it off and move on...

Your holiday sounds great. Glad to hear of the new traditions and the ones that are not old but will be different this year, & LIVE ON anyhow!!

Life does not revolve around what your w may be doing/feeling/thinking. And trust me, unless she hates her own kids, she cannot feel "happy" this year. She may have to lash out at you, b/c of her pain and the defensiveness it'll necessarily bring out in her. Recall the 'car rolling over your own kid' analogy--eventually, if they feel it's being thrown in their face--even if by themselves--they'll blame YOU for not telling them the baby was in the road, or the brakes weren't working right, etc. Anything to avoid the responsibility for their pain, and the pain they've inflicted on their own family. Comes out big at this time of year. '

Stay calm in the face of the storm. No matter what she says or does, be strong and calm. And for your children, be happy. It's Christmas. Your children are near you, they love you, and see you sober and healing, and growing in contentment, loving and being lovable. Of the things you have any control over, What else really matters?
Take care,
j-