And yes karen, I must be just as crazy to keep letting myself back into it. I WAS doing a good job, I thought.
I just don't understand all the conversation all of the sudden. And why does she want to call me back?
"I've fallen, but I CAN get up!"
I'll just reset and start over again.
Um, yeah. I didn't mean you were crazy, but getting into a 2hour conversation after you said you were dropping the rope is crazy. I mean do you want to be her bff or drop the rope and act like a husband whose wife is with an OM? Man, I realize I'm tough tonight! And I'm sorry for that a little.
And I think she does that b/c she is cake-eating getting her emotional needs from you as well as OM, and maybe it makes her feel a little less guilty too? I don't think you should let her do this cake-eating but I guess if you have 100% given up and just want to be her best friend then keep it up... Karen
Was ALREADY having a hard day this morning. Just emotional on the way into work. Better now that I dug in at work.
I had pretty much decided that I DON'T want to be married to the wife anymore, because she doesn't deserve me, but I can't be the one to file.
I don't see any kind of fairy tale ending for us. I think that she just has no attraction to me anymore. She is just unwilling to find that in me anymore.
Two years ago, when our crap started, I begged and pleaded. She was 'gone' for about 2 months. She went through her 'party girl' phase. Early November of 2006, she decided to give us another chance and told me she would give it maybe a year to see.
She didn't really give it a full year, but, in her mind, she has already given us another chance, and she just couldn't find it in her anymore.
She is going to miss me as a best friend, but not as a husband.
I am sad about my family, mostly. The changes that the kids and I have to endure. And of course, its the holidays.
I plan on going to 11pm service at church tonight, just as we did as a family last year, only this time, it will be just me and the girls.
In the middle of typing this, she forwarded me an email.
She never called me last night like she said she was. Of course, I expected nothing less. I didn't plan on answering it anyway.
Her email was one of those that people forward. About the similarites between President Lincoln and President Kennedy and not sent as a group forward from her, just me.
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!
And here's to a great New Year. We F'ing deserve it.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I don't see any kind of fairy tale ending for us. I think that she just has no attraction to me anymore. She is just unwilling to find that in me anymore.
I think it's not that something is missing in you, but her though. And even though it's sad and esp. for the kids, I think you will be better off b/c now you have the chance to have an R and/or M with someone that can really, fully love you and commit to you.
Quote:
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!!
And here's to a great New Year. We F'ing deserve it.
Bottom line you showed your kids that you stood up and fought for your marriage. You may not be successful with your wife because I think something is broken in her. Your role as a father is to show your girls and son an example of what good husband and father is!!! Hopefully your girls will see you as a template for their future husbands and for your son a template of how to be a good husband/father. Once you have children the "ME" part of your nature has to be set aside and the "US" part has to be your focus. Your wife just couldn't let go of the "ME" of her nature.
Chatting with Yenko the other night, I told him that I'm completely comfortable with knowing that I could look myself in the mirror and know that I really tried my best. I could also look the kids in the eye and tell them the same.
And they would know and agree.
I'm letting go of my marriage, which is sad, and going to try to maintain a relationship with the wife.
With all the people that are in the know about the A, even if the wife and I WERE to try again, it would just be too much to handle. Too much embarrassment, I think. So, who knows, maybe some day in the future.
Haven't really had any conversation with wife since Christmas morning. We did have some email exchanges, while she was at work, on Friday. I was wanting to go pick up the kids to do....ANYTHING. In one of my responses, I admitted to her that I NEEDED to get out of the house before they make a 'Cymbalta' commercial out of me.
We decided that I would pick up the kids and take them to the outside mall nearby and she would meet us when she got off work. I did that, spent some time with the kids, wife met us while we were getting something to drink and a snack in the food court, and then we walked around some and visited a few stores the girls wanted to go into. We parted ways about an hour later and I went home for the night.
Our emails are so much different than our actual conversations. In person, we hardly talk. I think I act so detached from her. Kind of odd to me.
That night, I watched some program on tv about stroke and I got really emotional. Later, I ended up sending her an email. I know that right now, she doesn't have her land line, internet or cable. She hasn't been able to pay it. She says she'll pay it next week when she gets paid, but as far as I know, her whole check should go to rent. I sent it to her Yahoo because I knew she won't see it for a while.
The subject line was "Thank God".
"Its Saturday night. We had some contact earlier today because I had picked up the kids and took them to La Cantera and we met and spent some family time together. We also had some nice email exchanges today.
I know that you don't have access to your Yahoo right now and that is why I'm emailing you here. Not sure when you'll see it and I needed to write this.
I came home, made myself some dinner and happened to watch a program about stroke victims.
All I could do was cry and cry.
I'm sure I've told you this at some point. I think that your memory is not the same as it once was, so I wanted to let you know again.
I thank God everyday for puting you in my life. Because God crossed our paths, we have two beautiful daughters and I have a beautiful stepson that I'm proud to call my son.
I thank God that he spared you and kept you in this world with us. I'm not sure you realize how truly blessed you are. I'm crying as I write this. God has kept you with us for a reason. And not only have we gotten through it once, but twice. The first time you got sick, if I could have, I would not have ever left your side, but I was there as much as I could, knowing what was going on in your head. I was not there just out of obligation, but out of love. He also allowed me to help in your healing process. God then allowed me the opportunity to be there full time the second time.
I could not ever say that I understand what it is that you've been through, because I can't.
I do know that we have been through so much together. It started with a hard decision that we had to make 14 years ago. One that I now regret with all my heart. I ask for Gods forgiveness nearly everyday because of it. We've gotten through the loss of my grandmother, up through dealing with the loss of your father.
And soooo much in between.
Because we HAVE been through so much in our lives together, I know that we will always be connected, and not just because of the children, but because of so much more.
What happens to us from this point on, I will consider the will of God and accept it.
Maybe the holidays have made me think about things more than usual, but I know that with the end of the year coming, I am looking forward to the new year. I had wished that I could forget about 2008, but actually, this past year has helped come to many realizations and has helped shape who I am. Because of my hurting, I try to pull myself away from you, but I am always drawn back to you. I believe I always will. I also believe that there are things that are bigger than us.
I know that we are both looking forward to a new year, although maybe for different reasons.
May God continue to bless you and keep you safe in the coming year, hon. If we don't see each other, I wish you a Happy New year. Holiday times are for spending time with the ones we love, and I hope you have or will. May God also continue to watch over our children and on both of our families.
With love,
R"
Too much, I'm sure, but honest.
I'm not going to be her BFF. I'm not going to be her GF.
I don't plan on offering myself on a platter to her, but like Yenko and I discussed, if she needs me, I'm probably going to be there for her. Yenko and I are the same when it comes to this.
I still haven't gone into the apartment. I have set my boundaries and let them be know to her. I will get my girlies today some time and we might visit grandma and grandpa and great grandma.
I told D7 yesterday about going for a drive out to a small town about an hour away to visit an outdoor Christmas set up they have at a park. You walk around, have hot chocolate and see a huge light set up. D7 wanted to go, but she wanted ALL of us to go. Even mom, so we'll see what transpires if D7 mentioned it to the wife. I'll let her know that we will go tonight, and offer the invite. I'm sure it will be just the girls and me, anyway. I think she mentioned that she is off a day or two this coming week, I just don' know what days.
The only wrench is that D11 is not feeling well and is not wanting to do much. I think its her allergies and not a cold or flu. I hope.
I had another old high school friend contact me thru FB Friday night. We weren't close friends. I was a freshman and he was a senior, but we did hang out a bit with other friends.
Cool stuff.
I also learned that even my mother is now getting into Myspace! I told her that I hate Myspace, because of the wife. She remembers looking into her profile a couple years ago. My brother added the same sentiment concerning his S2BEx. My mother says, "You mean, if I would have gotten into it way before, I might have left your dad by now?"
We laughed. "Very funny, mom."
I spent most of the day at my parents house yesterday. My brother, sister and I spent more time together than we have in years. It was a good day.
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
I don't plan on offering myself on a platter to her, but like Yenko and I discussed, if she needs me, I'm probably going to be there for her. Yenko and I are the same when it comes to this
I am right there with you guys. I am still here for xH if he needs me, but I am not accessible at all times. Some are changes xH would definately notice (and has, and comments) and other changes are only for me.
I am sorry you are here, in that 'place', but you are right. You have done all you can, and you are stronger and better for it. I also see you having a continued peaceful relationship with your wife.
Glad you sent the email. Nothing better than honest without begging. That's the spot you hit, in my opinion.
I think it just that we(you and I and others)know our situation best.
Some couple weren't meant to maintain that relationship. Their WAS's are just complete asses. I see your relationship with your ex.
You were in a situation that everyone kept saying that they couldn't believe that you guys weren't going to make it. The positives were many, but in the end, still ended in D.
I have the same thing. Everything is there, but it just isn't going to have that ending that we've tried for. And the funny thing is, I think that any relationship that we both have apart from each other is going to have this 'ex' issue. The good relation that I'll keep with the wife.
And watching that program about strokes...seeing the damage that some people have to endure and others that it kills...she was so...well....blessed. God has something in store for her and I pray that she comes to realize what it is.
How are your Holidays so far, L-dub?
Me 47, WW 38 SS18, D15, D10
Good Bye Girl. No longer SAYING she's moving out. GBG moved out 8-1-08
"I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."
In so many ways, the positives that would have saved our marriage (had he 'come back') are still there, in our relationship now. My patience, his compassion, my faith in him being a solid person, his faith in me to make decisions about the kids without him, etc. Those things that are positive about you and your wife now will remain, no matter what goes on from here out.
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And the funny thing is, I think that any relationship that we both have apart from each other is going to have this 'ex' issue. The good relation that I'll keep with the wife.
Maybe *I'm* still foggy about this, but I feel I'll never find something as amazing with someone else. Ok, maybe it'll be amazing, but it won't be as deep. I know I partly feel this because no one will ever share the bond or love I have for my children other than their father. xH has said similar things to me (some of it I don't believe, like "You'll always come first, and if another woman has trouble with us being best friends, then its see ya to the woman"), and I know he has meant those things.
Your wife and her health. Thank goodness. Maybe deep down, in her subconscious, she doesn't feel she 'deserved' to heal when she is such a 'bad person' and ruined her marriage (not ME saying this, mind you, but trying to give you her possible thoughts of herself). I hope she can eventually see that she is a good person and can find happiness.
