Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

Thanks Snodderly,
I do do most things for myself. This is the one thing that I can't. As I said in last post I just can't ask anyone else to push snow. They all have their own stuff to do before going to their jobs.

I was doing pretty well at biting the tongue. It's when he went back home and then to see OW last week that I lost all strength. I am really struggling at getting back on the right road. I thank him always for doing things for me/us. About the only thing I can offer him is food and I do. Right now even my food is garbage to him. I am trying so hard.

[theotherhalf]

Just because a person wrongs us does not mean we should be that way toward them.

I agree 100%. I believe that it is between the person and God. Not for me or anyone else to punish. BUT, it is very hard not to hold the person accountable for hurting us so deeply.

I give my H more unconditional love and forgiveness than he will ever begin to deserve. Just wish he could give a fraction in return.

Trying, trying, trying...
Thanks MWG

[theotherhalf]

Snodderly,
I don't know if your still here today, or if you've kept up on my crazy sitch, but if you are/have, could you please share your wisdow with me?

Where do you think my H is in this MLC stuff? I know that we are supposed to put too much into the stages and I don't, I know that each person is different, boy do I know that, and I know that each sitch is individual as well but I would like to hear your opinion.

3 weeks ago I would have swore that my H was coming out (very slowly) of MLC. Today I think that he may be in the 2 stage of acceptence and going back through the earlier stages. I guess to be honest that is what I hope. Many have said they think he is still in replay and I trully don't believe that. Too much has changed for him, but I have to agree that much is still the same. So I'm confused. I've seen this man in replay no doubt, I've seen him very depressed and withdrawn from everyone, I've see him reconnect with family, pets and his children, even me somewhat, I've seen him lose the "look", the anger. Could it be he is just spinning through all the stages over and over again?

What do you think wise woman?

[Andabelle]

What was in the envelope? It was very mean-spirited of him to tease you like that. Seriously un-funny.

[job]

TOH,
I will try to answer your question w/what I have read from your postings. Your h is still very much in replay w/a mix of depression and withdrawal. The anger comes into play when you point out what he's not doing to your expectation. I could be very wrong, but your man is no way near acceptance. He's still got a lot of issues to deal w/and each and every time he has to focus on you, your comments, etc., it makes his journey just a little bit longer. That's why it is very important to just leave them be. If they come around, be kind, bit your tongue and then beat the heck out of a pillow when they are gone.

Your home should be a safe place for him to land, but when he pushes your buttons, you react, thus the safe haven is gone. Take a page out of Midwestern's book. Read her postings and you will see that it's taken her a very long time to get to where she is today. Patience, patience and more patience are in the bag of tricks that you have within your grasp.

Try to remember, this journey is not about you, but all about him. He's the one that is searching for answers, he's the one that is lost and he's the one looking for the lighthouse in the dark. Put the candle in the window so that it shines in his direction, make your house the safe haven that it has been before. No more challenges, no more pointing fingers, only kindness, compassion and patience this holiday season. Miracles can and do happen during this time of the year. All you have to do is have some faith in yourself, your h and the man upstairs. All he asks is that you turn this over to him and allow him to do what is necessary to heal your h and bring him home to you.

Can you do this? Can you please turn it over to him?

[theotherhalf]

Try to remember, this journey is not about you, but all about him. He's the one that is searching for answers, he's the one that is lost and he's the one looking for the lighthouse in the dark

I know this, and I agree but also I am too...


I have to be honest Snodderly, not what I wanted/needed to hear, but thank you.

So how do I make that safe place or be his lighthouse without letting him use me and walk on me and hurt me anymore? There is nothing in the world I want more than to be the one person he can count on and come to. I love this man very much and I hurt for him almost more than I do myself and my girls. BUT I cannot continue to be his doormat or his cake or what ever you want to call it?

Faith in myself Snodderly is something I lost the day my H told me he wanted a D. And since that time so many months ago he has stomped it in the sh*t over and over and over again. Faith in my H and God is what keeps me here on this path of hopefullness.

So I let him go be with OW. My soul tells me NO IT"S NOT RIGHT YOUR STILL M TO ME!! This is what stops me every time.

I just don't know anymore. I am really trying to find my way but I just don't know anymore.

[theotherhalf]

And,

The envelope was coupons for the girl's converter boxes. He did not intentionally tease me. He showed it to me when he came in and said here you go. I said what's that and he read my mind I think then played on it a little. Yea it was mean, but that's my H now. I sometimes thinks he gets pleasure out of hurting me.

[MidwesternGirl]

How do you make it the lighthouse? By not asking questions, not attacking, not bringing up ow, what he is/is not doing, being kind, learning to bite your tongue, if he is in a bad mood, ignore it, walk away and keep yourself busy with other things......

It is not that difficult to do once you get the hang of it and also do not take the bait if he appears to want to begin an argument with you. Walk away or ignore/

[WCW]

Don't be a doormat, be a rock. Can you see a difference?

Ya know toh, you keep saying you can't. Why can't YOU? What makes you so special from anyone else here that has had to reshape our lives? Take CAN'T out of your vocabulary.

I used to think I couldn't but what it really equated to was that I didn't want to. I wanted to wait for H to come and fix whatever was wrong. I wanted to be rescued. I had to learn the hard way though, H got hurt and he couldn't help and do things I wanted and expected him to do. I HAD to do it, and what I couldn't do by myself without him I shoved my stubborn and pride aside and asked for help. Ya know what? People like to help people.

Try it. Maybe someone (other than H) would love to have a tasty home cooked meal in trade for helping you do something. Maybe they won't take anything in trade but you could use your painting talent to make a special gift for them. Try it.

[job]

TOH,
I'm sorry that what I posted wasn't what you wanted to hear or were looking for, but I had to be honest w/you. I cannot sugar coat my advice because it would do more damage to your situation than what has happened thus far.

TOH, Midwestern has given you the simplest of examples of how to make your home the safe haven, the lighthouse in the storm. I would like to add one more example. When he's there or calls you and starts baiting you for an argument, change the subject. Talk about the weather or something you heard or seen on TV. By doing this, it will take his focus off baiting you and it backs him up a bit.

The baiting and setting you up for arguments are the jusitifcations he craves for staying out there. It's fuel for his fire and when you step into his fuel, you are fanning his flames. You want to douse the flames, not encourage them. The less you argue, the less justification he has to say to himself "see, that's why I'm not having anything to do with her". You have to understand that the ow isn't flaming his fire, she's soothing him, validating him and stroking his ego. She's also egging him on to provoke you into saying and doing things that you most likely wouldn't. You will need to find a way to dig deeper than you ever have and zip the lips and either walk away or change the subject. I know you can do this.

Yes, you may have lost some of your faith, but it's still there deep down inside of you. It's time to put your faith back in God and yes, in you as well. You aren't a loser by any means and you are a fighter. Pull that faith from within and allow it to guide you. Hope, yes, you have a hope, but you have been misguided and what you've been doing hasn't worked, now it's time to try what all of us have been suggesting. Once you get the hang of what we are suggesting, it will become easier and yes, the difference will begin to show. But, keep in mind, he will continue to test you to see if you will revert to your old ways. You can never go back to the arguing, pointing of fingers.

The new year is around the corner...I'd like for you to try these techniques on your daughter when she acts out w/you. I think you'll be pleased with the results if you can pull them off.

TOH, you've been at this for quite a while and when things begin to show promise, you revert back to the old ways a bit and instead of two steps forward, you go back one step. So, take the steps today to learn how now to react, how not to take his bait and I promise you, the communications will improve in time.