Finding my goodness and power

[25yearsmlc]

frankD,

talk to me like I'm five when you speak of computers, okay? I'll Just..ummm, well, I'll just wait longer next time I want to search??

But I did successfully do it once today, so it's as if you're allowed one search try per log in. At least that's how it is now, and I do believe this time of year there are a lot of us here.

Question for the Alpha males, h is home for the holidays. He is back from the east coast where he's been working to be near his mom, who has cancer. I suggested this very thing, LAST SUMMER, as in, for a couple months. But she is surviving and that's a great thing, but there's some uncertainty as to how long he'll remain there before joining us here like a "normal" family. It has been a long time, although we were together with d11 in Alaska. So periodically he visits for weeks and takes over.

The question is why does h insist on "taking over" things when he gets here? Not everything is in need of his improvement and frankly, it does feel like a critisizm and often, it is. He is non-stop "re-organizing" instead of relaxing, although at night he'll have a glass or two of wine (new behavior he gets from his brother back east, who is a conniseur, but also a heavy drinker and since my fil and late father both were highly functioning alcoholics, I"m not crazy about seeing h drink), and then gets tired and goes to sleep. Granted, he "awakens"... when I get in bed, but still, it's a turn off and a bit of a red flag for me. I do drink socially. This time of year especially. Other times, it's maybe 1-2 drinks a Month. In my past, I drank way too much. I'm lucky to be here, when I consider how wild I was in college and law school.

ANYHOW, I want h to relax and stop the projects. Honestly I do feel guilty about some projects unfinished that I should/could have done, and angry at h for not finishing the ones I need him for, that simply are not important to him. And since I have been overwhelmed at times by the unpacking and re-arranging and it has been months since we returned, I can see I've been mildly down, or lazy?

We've travelled for 3 illnesses and deaths and probate, but still, I could have done better. I'm Feeling a lack of direction in my own life and that seems to paralyze me, which contrasts with H's hyperactivity. (BTW, an acting coach of mine said that "depression is often just a lack of direction"...and I see that can be true.) The d's and s22 have also commented in the past that h cannot relax and they dislike his method of "organizing" which is to dump a box out and let you figure out where everything goes OR to go through MY private stuff, like DB notes, and probably read them. H may be snooping for stuff, but there's no OM. There are some bills he may not care for, like old lawyer bills from 2 years ago. Geez, what a rehash!!

I DIGRESS again. I just want to know how to say to h, "relax, please" and not to take over. WHen I said to h that he was "marking his territory" and that it made me feel defensive, he was dismissive of this. Actually made it worse and lacked any self awareness. I realize I have been the ONE to go to therapy and counselling through out all this and not h. Ironic.

These are the times I think, "I know we're together and reconciled...but I don't like him much and if he is always going to be like this, why bother?" But it has been so long since we've been in a stable home, I can't tell what's temporary and what's not. When he lives out here for real, and I am working full time again, I'll have a housekeeper which DOES help THIS particular M, generally. H hates it inside, I suspect b/c of numerous comments he has made in the past about the cost. And his own mom was a good housekeeper in her day, and worked. I'm not a good housekeeper and don't want to be I guess. I mean, I make an effort for our bedroom and I am a bit of a gourmet cook and I do make money and write (and I'm brilliant, interesting as hell, beautiful, hilariously witty, and MODEST...)....

so what's my problem? What's his? Why is he cranky with us? I mean, he's damn lucky we took him back. I see those words and realize that LBSers have this ongoing problem sometimes, don't we?

We feel, sometimes correctly, that we have more than paid our dues in the M and that maybe they have not. Therefore, the returning WAS, the prodigal whatever, should shut the he-- up and do whatever we say. As if they've forfeited rights to future battles.... Yeah, I might be "right", but this approach doesn't bode well for success, does it?

Guess we have to ask whether we want to be "right", or alone? Okay, I've vented and can probably keep my mouth shut another day...maybe... And since I might be over reacting to the alcohol issue, is there a loving way to say, "hey lighten up on the booze, so we can have FUN later on..." kwim? Hmmm, You know, there's no really great way to say that is there? It's almost like suggesting Viagra...

Oh, I like that line.

Merry Christmas, sorry for the hijack but Alpha Males, I await your insights...that includes you Frankd, especially. Do i just let h "take over" the home like how the dog is fed, where we eat, when we "are allowed to have desert" since h feels digestion must first occur....blah blah blah and then go back to my/d's way when he leaves? I mean, the "plan" is that we are actually going to live together long term soon, again. So at some point, the struggle for power needs to be resolved. I don't care about the small stuff, I care about feeling critisized, especially when it IS exactly that;criticism. Feels as if h doesn't have the "right" to that at this point. But did he and I ever? Maybe none of us ever should have. Maybe we all need to work on just accepting each other without the carpish remarks, or rolled eyes, heavy sighs, mutterings. But when h does that, the d's notice. Am I being a doormat?
j-