It's Complicated!

[glamgirl]

Thanks FG. I just shoveled out my SUV. Now I still need to shovel the driveway. Sis just called and is near the house. I just called her a ride.

She landed at 10:30am and it's now 2pm and she is just getting to the house. Making her some lunch.

[Maya44]

I know what you mean! It's been snowing here ALL day! I get to go home and snowblow my driverway and my neighbor's driveway. Maybe I got lucky and the guy upstairs plowed for me. I'd like to take D out shopping when I get home. I'm antsy today and just don't want to sit home. Although, we can wrap some gifts and I can make my beef stew if we did stay home.

If I don't hear from you sooner, have a most WONDFERFUL CHRISTMAS GG!! I'll be thinking of you!

[glamgirl]

Thanks so much FG. I hear you on the cabin fever. I haven't moved my car since Thur and I finally have said enough is enough.

I shoveled the sidewalk too. It was all sheets of ice on top of the snow. Suppose to start snowing again tomorrow.

You too have a Wonderful Christmas!

[brandnewday]

GG,
I truly hope you have a very merry Christmas.
Maybe you and your Sister can start a new tradition for your children.
I know you like to cook, maybe you could bake something new.
Try not to make the day center around your Husband's absence, it is his loss.
Take tons of photos of your special day with the kids and your Sister.

My Husband has looked through the Family albums and has seen the things he missed, all of the special days, Christmas's, Graduation's, Thanksgiving's and Easter's.

Life really does go on, and you will get to a point where it doesn't affect you as much anymore. Yes, he will be missed but like I said, his absence or presence doesn't mean that your life needs to revolve around his.

Sending you blessings and smiles.

(((hugs)))

[job]

GG,
I'm so happy to read that your sister has made it to your place safely. You know, God has a way of making things work out in very mysterious ways. Here you were stressing today, worried about your sister, her travels, the grocery shopping, shoveling, etc., and lo and behold, you have a message from your former sil advising you that you've been missed by all from a former life. Honey, it's enough to make you cry, but I do hope that you will reach out to them and wish them a happy holiday season. They came back into your life for a reason and you will not know the reason until you've touched base w/them.

I think BND gave you a very good suggestion...cook up something new, create new memories w/your sister and children. Your h is definitely missing out on a lot of good times, but it's his loss, not yours. Spend as much time as you can just enjoying the holiday. It's a magical and very special time of th year. Yes, GG, miracles can happen this time of the year. Put your faith in the man upstairs, for he will never disappoint you. He works in very quiet and mysterious ways and he has sent you several angels today.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

[25yearsmlc]

Everything Snodderly & BND said... and no more calling or asking h for anything...at least for a few days. Then, no disappointments...just realize that of all the things you DO have control over, your life IS good. Your children and sister are well, and with you, you are healthy, there is food on the table, no one is shooting at you or forcing you to deny your religous beliefs, you are loved by the Man upstairs, and your famly, and you are loving...sounds like Holy days to me.
(( j ))

[glamgirl]

I needed that facebook posting more than you will ever know today. I will call them. H had promised he would give me money yesterday. Well he is out of sight until his last text on Monday said he would be over on Sunday.

I will leave him alone for now. He isn't going to help me anyway.

I was able to get out and drive to the store. It's still a mess weather wise, but we do have food and a warm home and loving family that cares about us.

[job]

GG,
All I can add is amen to your posting. Warm home, food and good company, that's all you can ask for right now.

Please do not wait too long in responding back to posting. There is a reason for them reaching out to you at this time.

Please try to enjoy your holiday and know that we are all here to listen and help you along the way. For now, take it easy, relax and enjoy your sister's visit. She's truly an angel for traveling this holiday in all of that snow to be w/you.

Merry Christmas!

[glamgirl]

Thanks Snodderly. My sis is resting. She is exhausted from the trip. I hope I can drive her to the airport on Fri, when she returns, but if the roads are the way they are today, it won't happen.

They are barely plowing them. You have to drive in these ruts made by the car tires to get around. Then you just slip and slide with the ice. If they would plow the roads, the driving conditions would be better.

We haven't really started any baking, but tomorrow is another day. It really is just about relaxing anyway.

Merry Christmas to you!

[25yearsmlc]

fyi,
he knows what he promised. At the very least, he knows he wasn't with his own children on Christmas. He knows he's failed, again. He's busy now justifying that, or denying it, or blocking it out. He's in the tunnel and he's an alien now. Surely you've seen that wording around here when it comes to some WAS and most MLCers. You can "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."

Since he's not around, (may as well think of him being in the Australian bush, unreachable unless he finds a satellite phone and CALLS you) you don't have to figure out what his words mean, as there aren't any.

Thing is, when you eventually hear from him, he'll be expecting cold or hell from you. Don't give it to him. Instead, you'll be calm, upbeat, without any expectations.
It's a 180'. IF he even mentions it, or says he was mad or depressed or busy, unless he attacks YOU for missing it, you can say, "oh too bad, it was really fun..." and leave it at that. Maybe promise him you'll send some photos when you have time...but since you are busy GAL that may take awhile... If he somehow blames you for missing out, (don't know how, but nothing shocks us on this board) you can say, "Hey, sorry you missed Christmas with your family but we both know it's NOT MY responsibility to keep you and our children connected" and stay on message, don't get sucked into any battles. Stay on point, in the now.

You will have to balance it, as we ALL do at some points, against being a doormat. Meaning, for example, if he owes you money for rent/child support for God's sake, and "forgets" to pay that, that AIN"T OKAY...but anything other than what the kids need, and what he is legally obligated to pay, probably should stay off limits. Express yourself calmly as best you can at all times, with your h. Otherwise the anger validates his idiotic choices. Contrast that whole attack/insinuate/accuse/manipulate thing with pleasant indifference...You don't need him to be happy and neither do your children.

Also, if you head down the road towards d, get a L and let them do the ugly work. That's why we're here. Don't engage or let him play the victim, as WAS do. Generally, I'd assume nothing is coming from him but whatever is legally mandated and nothing more. Period. Don't ask, don't expect, don't whine. He feels burdened, right or wrong. Don't add to it.

So you know, I have two relatives who divorced, only to remarry/reconciliate later. One took 8 years to reconcile and the other took 5, and both couples say the 2nd time around was better. Yep, that's a long time and as far as I know, neither of my relatives planned on a reconciliation. My aunt was the one who left, and for my cousin, I think it was mutual. Both couples had kids. Both had gotten very mad at the time and all, but stayed cordial enough, eventually, to be able to be friends and had the kids in common and didn't hit below the belt too often, so they were able to build on the friendship they had later on.

I am NOT saying that will happen, I am saying it has, and some couples have to D, to move forward and learn whatever it is, and end up together anyhow. But we all know couples who end up divorced, and look back on some wasted years in which one gave so much more...and we wonder, what if they'd left sooner? I say, better to wonder if you've stayed too long than to wonder if you bailed too early.
You've been here awhile, although who is to say what the time limit is? Check your heart and what is really good for your children, given the givens. If your h isn't likely to come back and fully commit, how healthy is that for YOU, or them?
What does it prevent you from doing? obviously it prevents you from someday finding someone who will love you well and as you deserve and it prevents your kids from seeing you in a healthy trusting R. A relationship without numerous phone calls wondering what he's doing or where he is, etc. I mean, his unreachable status at this time of year is pretty crappy. Speaks volumes and is it cyclical for him? You felt you were making progress but this is the 3rd or 4th Christmas without him, correct? yikes. What's his excuse for the past ones....?? Wait, I don't want you to focus on all that now.

No matter.

For now, your H is AWOL as a father and h. That's crummy. But you aren't. You are with your children where you belong and you sound as if you have a fun supportive sister. God bless sisters!! You'll find some more here too.
Sounds as if your h has had issues for some time, or the m has. Either way, what 180's are YOU doing for your life and GAL?

Think of some good 180's and resolutions you'll keep for the new year and "Make 2009...."mighty fine"? (Oh come on, that wasn't that bad for 5 seconds of thinking...) sheesh!
j-