Thanks so much, Spellfire and Single Dad! I don't know if this is so much my turning point as a pivot in the right direction, but I know deep down that I just have to keep moving that way.
I am still deeply, deeply sad. I am feeling like I really miss him again, but I have to keep reminding myself that the person I'm missing isn't here right now. As much as I feel like I just want to talk to him or see him, I have to keep remembering that the person I miss has checked out.
Maybe he'll return one day, but then again maybe he won't. I keep repeating over and over that the best thing I can do is to do things for myself and in doing so find happiness within - only then will I feel better.
It's so easy to dwell on what feels like missed opportunities. I want so badly to prove that things can be better, and I think part of that has to do with my desire to "fix" all of the things I am angry at myself for. I regret never going camping with him, never going on a motorcycle ride, never letting any of his things have a place in our home. I regret being opposed to having a family. I regret not stepping up to the plate when it came to sharing household duties.
But, since I can't change those things now, I just have to focus on finding a new way.
Sometimes, all of this still feels like a bad dream. But it's not. It is life, and sh*tty circumstance doesn't have to yield sh*tty results.
Onward, onward. I have a prayer group meeting tonight, and I'm anxious for it.
I keep telling myself that I'm not giving up. I'm going on.
And I've decided not to hire the Private Investigator. It won't do me any good anyways, and the last thing I need to do is feed my negativity.
