Oh the dilemma of trying to figure out how to respond to the absent spouse.
Sorry, but I see no dilemma here. What I see is SMW expressing her feelings and people are trying to help. SMW can take or leave all the advice she receives as she wishes.
SMW, I recently read an article on invalidation (of one's feelings), and these two statements stick with me - 1)"When we are invalidated by having our feelings repudiated, we are attacked at the deepest level possible, since our feelings are the innermost expression of our individual identities," and 2)"Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real."
Even though you are right, stating the facts of the matter can be invalidating, even when it's completely unintentional. When a person is expressing their feelings about an issue, telling them 'let's look at the facts' or 'here are the facts' is like telling this person that he/she is wrong for feeling the way they do.
It's intriguing to me. I'm learning a lot.
(((((((SMW)))))))
My intent was not to invalidate, him just to let him know what the situation was. He emailed back and NEVER mentioned the part about whether or not he wants to hear from home. This was his reply--
Quote:
SMW, I just wasn’t sure because you never told me what their intentions were. Does SIL have a house phone, or does she just use her cell phone? I’d like to find a way to reach them this weekend since last weekend was a nogo. Alright, you guys take care. DH
to which I replied:
Quote:
DH--
My mistake for not clarifying that.
Sis does have a house phone, but I do not know that you will catch them at the house because of play rehearsal. The girls have to be at church from 10-2 tomorrow, leaving Sis's at 8:30-9am to get to Mom's so mom can take them to practice. Not sure what the plans are after that. Mom and Sis are taking them shopping, I believe. I suppose you could try Mom's house or Mom's cell phone in early afternoon. With 5 kids 10 and under in the house at Sis's, I do not know that calling there early in the morning would be a good thing.
Sunday, the girls have to be at church by 8:30 and must stay for both services. We have plans to go to lunch afterward and I have to drop someone off at the airport at 4. We would be back to the house around 4:30-5pm.
Perhaps calling them during the week would be better.
SMW
No reply to that and no phone calls made to my mom's or my sisters phones.
I do not discount that his feelings are real, but so are mine and his acting on his feelings has created an untenable situation for my kids, one that I once thought neither one of us would put them in--as he frequently talked about how important it was to keep a family together. I guess it was only important until he could not keep his pants on around the water buffalo. Sorry, he made a conscious choice to hurt his kids and me. You do not slip on a banana peel and fall into bed with someone else by accident.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
