Just got caught up on your thread and was thinking about you. I think that RTL's advice is pretty good here, though I know it is not an easy walk to walk, is it?! I notice the same kind of experience for myself, contact (only ever happens via email) w/my w. is usually something that shakes me into quite the emotional mess for a few days. It almost doesn't matter what the content of the message is, I seem to be able to turn it into something that is hurtful or disappointing to myself. I raise this because I think you and I may be similar on this point, sharing some expertise in obsessing about it all!
I had a couple of interesting conversations with two independent friends who really reinforced (for the millionth time--I'm slow) that almost everything is pointing to the WAS' issues. This was validating and I have found that although I really miss W. with very limited contact, I don't have the roller coaster to the same degree as when we do connect. It's still hard, but it might be something to experiment with on your side of things. You could try it out for a while and just see what it is like for YOU. If it's really not working for you, then you can always re-engage in contact...it's not like you lose this option.
Anyway, I know this stuff is so heartwrenching. And this is a particularly tough time of year. But maybe reflect on some of these ideas that posters have been putting forth, see if there is something you can take for yourself from it.
Merry Christmas, though I doubt "Merry" is really the appropriate term! : /
