Hi everyone, I'm just moving everything to one thread. Now learning the ropes of the forum....
Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child vickyd vickyd Junior Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 11 Hi Everyone, Yesterday was my first time posting to the forum and got great advice. I hope to return such wonderful advice to other members of the forum.
So yesterday H and I talked and he mentioned that he does miss me and the home. But then he started to talk about a lot of stuff but then about how bad it makes him feel me calling hin son a bastard, and his son is innocent in all this. Yes, I did call him that and I know that its wrong but like I told H I said those things out of hurt. And right after that last night I saw that members told me that I need to change that and have LOTS to do with H's son. So it got me to thinking about my part in all this and what I need to change as well. I will admit that I have said some terrible things about H's son and I prayed about it last night b/c I realized that I have actually grown to hate the child (terrible to say but true) and it's really not his fault even though OW uses the child has her weapon. In my head I know its wrong of me but in my heart I do have a lot of resentment. I even told H last night that I do regret that he's here but I know he's here and he needs to be loved and cared for. Anyway, so now I'm thinking that some, not all, of the blame for where we are now is partly my fault too. Although H has no right being with OW and that has made things worst off for us. I think H wants to come back home and I want him back home to but we need to resolve how we will handle this and we both don't trust each other: I don't trust him to not go back to OW and he doesn't trust that he can have me and his son.
So my question is how should I proceed with this? I was thinking during this separation I need to begin to give H indications that I will not prevent him from having his son too if he comes back home. But then I still want H to learn to respect me and I don't want to make it too easy for him. B/c he has really done some real disrespectful and inconsiderate things in the name of his son.
Should I even be the one to give in or it is really up to H to let me know that he wants the marriage? I don't to give the impression that I'm the only one making compromises. Any suggestions would be great. I really appreciate it.
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#1679086 - Yesterday at 04:45 PM Re: Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child [Re: vickyd] cat03 cat03 Member
Registered: 09/28/05 Posts: 4148 Loc: East coast Hi, my first suggestion is to stay in one thread so people know where you are coming from.
If you truly are sure he wants to come back you need to look inside your heart and see if you truly can forgive him, for everything. Trust will need to be rebuilt brick by brick son or no son. If he is still being disrespectful in the name of his son then you need to ask yourself if this man is good to have back.
This comes from a person who's H came back with half@ss intentions, just because he was lonely, it was a disaster... for the M to work he has to come with 100% FULL intention to work hard on the M, or you two won't have a standing chance. Piecing is as hard as being separated, it is 1 step forward, 2 steps back.
Make a list of what you think is reasonable (visitation, financial support of his son) and ask yourself if you are willing to work with your H about those issues. _________________________ All your expectations must be placed on God
M10yrs T13 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D in 09. Moving forward, stumbling but moving forward
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#1679817 - 1 second ago Re: Seeking advice on how to deal with outside child [Re: cat03] vickyd vickyd Junior Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 11 Hi Cat, Thank you so much for the thread advice. I didn't know how the forum works so I will try to move everything over to the same thread. It actually makes sense and now I know why some threads have tons of postings.
Yeah, I actually don't think H is thinking about coming back home. I now think that he's using a lot of that stuff to guilt ME and to make it seem like I'm the bad guy here. I know I did not handle things textbook perfect but as I said to H, "what is the proper way for a woman to deal with her H running around town with another woman." Especially my H who was totally blatant. He would say that he doesn't have o hide anymore since everyone knows he has a son. Funny right?
But I think I will definitely have to hold off on making any promises since he really doesn't want to be back with me out of love. I think he just doesn't like his living situation.
