Today is an interesting day. Last night I fell asleep in sadness. Today, I woke up with something like forgiveness in my heart. These are the steps to moving on, I think. Slowly, surely, but with much stumbling.
I woke up this morning with a sore throat. I felt sick, and so I didn't go into work. I should have, and I feel guilty about it, but not going in has given me some perspective that I needed.
During my second semester of my freshmen year of college, I fell sick with Graves Disease. I didn't know it at the time; at the time, I thought that the transition into college was just too much for me. I was severely depressed, and I constantly skipped class. I skipped and skipped and skipped in an attempt to shield myself from the pain of trying. I was seeking my bliss in recreation, but I did little work.
At the end of the semester, I failed out of one class and passed two with D's. Prior to falling sick, I'd been a straight-A student. I had to go home and face all of the unpleasant consequences - my parent's anger, my own disappointment, my sadness at losing one scholarship and jeopardizing the others.
Life seemed so bleak, and at one moment, I even considered giving up on life in general. It was a very brief moment, but it happened nonetheless.
Eventually, I ended up being rushed to the hospital with what was a minor heart attack. My doctor had been medicating me for depression, and the drugs he'd used had actually caused me to enter into a potentially fatal condition called a thyroid storm.
After being properly diagnosed, I was faced with a huge decision. I could take the advice of my family and doctors and spend a year recovering at my parent's home, going to class at a local college. Or, I could return to my university on my own and struggle to bring up my grades enough to keep my scholarships.
I chose the struggle, and I never regretted it. It was difficult as Hell, and I had many moments of bleakness and discouragement, but in the end what I ended up gaining was much more than pride in my diploma - it was the knowledge that I was strong enough, that I would not give in when life seemed to be conspiring against me. I learned to appreciate the beauty in everyday life so much more. I spent the best, freest, happiest years of my life after my life had seemingly fallen apart.
Today, I truly remembered all of that. I realized that I am hiding from work in much the same way that I was hiding from school. I realized that I have been given another opportunity to stand strong and chose to live - to really live - and to not hide from anything.
I cannot change what I have done today - what I have been doing for the past several weeks - any more than I can change that I didn't go to all of those classes I failed. I cannot change that my husband has left me anymore than I can change that I have Graves Disease.
But I can change how I can move forward. I can choose to remember who I really am, to decide to face my future and work with what I do have.
Interestingly enough, when I was recovering from Graves Disease, I did it alone. My husband (then boyfriend) was overseas. My family was there in the background, but could not truly help me. I had my friends, but they could not do anything except remind me how to be happy.
I survived that, and I will survive this. I don't know what will happen, but I know in the end that life goes on, and if we are observant, we see that life is beautiful in any case.
I did not allow a disease to determine the course of my life, and I will not allow my husband's choice to determine it either.
I was so angry with him, and it is so easy to fall into that anger again, but in the end, he is a human being just like me. Just like me, he is confused and lost. And just like me, he has to find his own path.
I miss him still. Sometimes, I miss him so deeply that I feel I cannot continue. But the truth is, I can. And I will.
And so will he.
Only God knows whether we are meant to continue together or apart, but what I do know is that we must continue.
I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling lost. I am tried of being angry. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of trying to look back on my life and decipher every moment through this new lens. The moments we had held there own value at the time, and I do not want to allow the present to diminish the past or taint the future.
I hope that all of us can find some peace, some quiet, and that in those moments we can remember who we truly are.
