What a great question? Might be worth its own board...
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It's the whole me, me, me, thing. Are the WAS innately just selfish people or is it a phase? Don't know.... Karen
In my instance, that's one of the things I've been trying to figure out. My W was an only child, but she grew up without having much in the way of material things. My IC says that only children are often spoiled (mine was not so much spoiled as she was controlled by her mother givng her conditional love) and used to getting what they want; moreover, they don't have the checks and balances of having to relate to and share with siblings. She's always been able to rationalize any purchase, too, and showers our children with gifts (Because she didn't get them? Because she didn't get "love" from her mother and gifts were important to her mother?). So, she's giving in certain instances, but in a superficial way (especially now that she is in "the fog"), and the entitlement, since she "earned" her way out of that life, seems extraordinarily magnified while she is in the fog. So, that's a long way of saying I think certain people may have innate tendencies toward selfishness, but those attributes are magnified by the wayward fog that makes them project blame outwards and seem all the more selfish.
I also saw this on a post about the mind of a wayward spouse, and I think it helps to explain the phenomenon you are describing, too...
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The justifications of a WS can be mind-boggling! Wayward “fog babble” can be EXTREMELY convincing, though, especially to the BS. The reason for this is because the WS ABSOLUTELY believes what they are saying at the time. The BS has to keep in mind, though, that the justifications are so great for a WS because it is a defense mechanism to WARD OFF the feelings of guilt and shame that they SHOULD feel. Guilt and shame KILL the fantasies of a WS, and are replaced with unfounded excuses.
To not be entitled, would kill the fantasy and require facing up to one's own issues...
Sorry for the hijack, I just thought it was such a great question...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Just had to put this down. I sent it to MIL last week. W and k's are going there for Christmas. Maybe too mushy for some, but it is what it is...
MIL, Thank you for your message. I was in process of writing you one to let you know of some financial things you may or may not have heard about. I will finish that one later. I have not yet sent the letter to SIL or SIL (fyi - this is the letter re the A).
SIL invited me for Christmas but likely best that I decline - I will respond to her directly. I am toying with going to AZ Christmas afternoon for a few days - my M and sister both have had Christmas day plans and I am fine with that.
I totally agree with you - the kids ARE the most important concern. They never asked to be in this world so they have to be priority 1. There has been so much that has happened that has left me at times sick for them and what they must be feeling. There are tears - from all of us. My opinion, for what its worth, is that the kids are hurting more than they ever let on. I said to W a while back that the kids would adjust, they would cope but they will never be "fine"; my opinion perhaps but something I live with as a reality. They want the tension to stop. The kids and I agree on one thing - this sucks!
There is a lot that has happened this year. It has been a year to forget! You asked me in July to let you know my side of things - you have heard some thus far but that is a conversation that I am certainly willing to have if you like. Whenever that might be.
MIL and FIL, I am truly concerned for W. She mentioned health issues this summer but has never elaborated - she was upset I never followed up after initially inquiring about them. You have noticed differences - the solo travel and the new friends are examples of things that seem so out of character. I certainly do not fully understand and maybe I never will.
Obviously things are on a track I do not like. But I have not yet conceded anything even though there may be nothing left to fight for. I am aware of that. My family means too much to me. And my family includes W.
I understand the tears. Outwardly I am ok - but inside and in private, my heart breaks daily.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I think you're letter sets a fine tone. You took the high road; and it comes across as very sincere and heartfelt. It doesn't give anyone the opportunity to take a pot-shot at you... WELL DONE.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I think you're letter sets a fine tone. You took the high road; and it comes across as very sincere and heartfelt. It doesn't give anyone the opportunity to take a pot-shot at you... WELL DONE.
