I totally agree with you that the D helps them feel like they are in control. And like you every time I do start to detach I can see where it did me well, but then I backslide so just like you I could definately do MUCH better.
My L actually said to me the same thing abt it will get worse before it gets better. I have started to experience that. It seemed that since my H filed things started to get worse. More anger and resentment that started to show. The easier it was for nasty words to fly and for hateful comments to be made. I am very optimsitic as well. I wouldn't say my H is pessismistic but he is more of a realist. He makes decisions based on what is happening now and in the past, that is why it is so hard for him to see that things could get better. I am optimistic because my view is that there was so much we just didn't know and now that we are learning. We wouldn't make those same mistakes or at least I don't think we would.
I am going to try really hard this next month to take your advice as well as Sandi's and the rest of the gang. I am a temperature taker too. And definately a pusher. I am making my New Years Resolution to detach. I have tried in the past month. I have had some really good moments and then gone back. Just when I thought I dropped the rope for good and let go, a week later I realized I was still hanging on.
For me the hardest part is the time frame. I have discussed this with my DB coach as well. I know this was a problem all summer too. First I thought I have to fix things or he is going to move out so I pushed...well he moved out. Then he took a new job and was training and my mind kept saying you need to get on the right track or he will not come home and you only have 12 weeks...so I tried really hard to get him to see why when he was done his training he needed to come home...that didn't work, he never came home, just more arguements..then he filed. Now I feel like I have to get him to see that things aren't what he thinks before the d is final...And that pressure causes me to pursue and temperature check and push him further away.
My DB coach said I need to stop worrying about the timelines. But it is really hard. It is constantly in the back of my mind. I keep thinking I only have so many months until the kids are out of school and we will sell the house and then move and I that means either I move alone or we need to move together. And I would prefer us my a new home together,but I KNOW that is not realistic right now.
Its those thoughts, that timeline that makes it hard for me to detach completely because the fear is the day will be here and everything will be over and I won't have anything left to fight for. I don't want to make the situation worse. I hate hate that I do that.
So are you getting divorced or since she dismissed are you piecing your marriage back together? I see you won't be with your kids this Christmas. I am really sorry to hear that. My heart breaks for you.
Take care. If there is anyway I can help let me know.
