I fell hard AGAIN! We had snow and blowing last night and today. I my sister, her family, my brother, and mom all coming for christmas between 1 and 2. I called H this morning and asked him to come push snow as he took the 4wheeler to his house and I don't know how to run the bucket on the tractor. He said he would later on. I was feeling pretty down as it is another xmas without him. I vented a little to him but not too much and he was his usual self. We hung up and I went about making dinner. All was fine.
Well it got to be noon. Snow was still blowing. Colder than Heck and no H. So I put my coveralls on and bundled up and went out to do it myself. Don't have a clue how but we'll see. Got out ther and the damb tractor was dead. Would not hardly even turn over.
I went in called H he was sleeping. I told him it wouldn't start and he just said oh yea. I couldn't keep it in. I said "damb you, you promised me you'd never leave me. You were always going to be there to do this stuff. You never taught me how to do any of it and now here I am stuck and can't do it by myself" I was crying like a fool. He said, "does this make you feel better". I said "make fun of me if that makes you feel like such a big man, is it funny to you?" It went back and forth. Rediculas really. He finally hung up on me and then wouldn't answer his phone. After I had a minute to really think about it and see what I was doing, I was so ashamed. How pathetic. I was still ticked at him but probably more so my self because I believed in him so much. That I trusted that he would always be here. And I didn't learn what I should have.
H came pushed the snow. I apologized and he left.
In the end my family made it here safely. We had a good dinner and all went well. After everyone left I called H to again apologize and to tell him to stop and get some left overs in the morning on his way home. It is the least I can do for him coming to my rescue after I threw such a fit. It's not much but all I have to offer.
What a day. What a mess.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Since winter is far from over, how about you find a neighbor in your neck of the woods that will agree to a 'barter' type of set up? He would do the blowing/plowing when needed in exchange for some of your baked goods, or whatever else you could exchange for his time/effort. You said you had baked and made candy...I bet you could think of someone with near you that would come out and clear the road(s) for you in this type of weather. Some people would probably already like to help, but don't want to come out and ask if you need help because they're afraid of stepping on toes.
Your H needs to learn that there isn't anything that he can use as leverage against you..and that also means things he knows you can't do on your own. Even if you can't, you CAN find someone that will help you out in a pinch.
The weather here in the midwest is wicked. I don't remember it being this cold for a long, long time. If you have to go out again for anything, please protect your skin/lungs.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I don't know how the roads will ever get better with this wind/cold. Salt doesn't do any good any more. The streets in town here look like mirrors. Polished by the blowing snow.
I had to go into work today, and fretted most of the day as to whether the car would start or not. Thankfully it did, but none too pleasantly.
Hope you'll keep warm. I enjoyed reading about the little dance steps going on between you and your H. Promising.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
H did come in the morning. I was supprised, really didn't think he would. He was in a much better mood. Tired, quiet but not angry towards me. He took the food and told me thank you.
Work was slow and boring again today. I have worked at this place for a total of 8 years and it has never been this slow at this time. I used to call the week between xmas and new years "hell week". Don't think it will be like that this year. I think with the floods, the corn price, it is hurting these big companies as well. Pretty scary. Like to find something else that pays better but afraid I better just stay where I am at for now.
When I got home from work H was haying cows. He did come in afterwards. He come in carrying an envelope and said here and through it on the table. I said what is that? He grinned. I said you think that is funny? He just said, what and I let it go. (scared it was something D related, he knew what I was thinking)We talked just a little. Just before he left he brought up Christmas. We had not talked about it. He asked me if I had gotten my grab bag gift. I said I didn't need one because I was not going. He said he didn't know if he was either. (his family christmas) I said well you need to go for the girls anyway. That would be good if neither of us went. I told him not to not go because of me, I'm not going. He said you can go, I want you to go, you know that. And I'll go too, I am just talking. I said no, I am not going through like last year. Last year you ignored me. You made me kiss you in front of everyone. You followed me home, made me think you were coming here. Then you went on by and went to OW's. No thank you not putting myself through that again. He said, you do what you want. I said well you know what I want to do, but I am not going. I said, beings you brought up Christmas, what about ours are you going to come to that. Yea, probabaly Christmas morning. (I cook breakfast christmas eve and we open one gift then the rest we do Christmas morning.) I said, well you know what we want you to do, but you do what works for you. That was the end of it.
I wish the holidays were over. They are way too hard like this.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
You kind of did it again. You told him what YOU think HE should do like go to his parents, kind of made a sarcastic remark about the envelope, brought up his behavior from last year's Christmas and brought OW into the conversation.
Stop and try not to react to his words/actions. He does it because he knows how to get your goat.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
toh, I disagree with your decision to not go to Christmas at the inlaws. You are invited and welcome to go but are behaving like a spoiled brat and only punishing yourself, and your girls.
As Creed said, you have to learn not to lean on your H. It takes time and your own baby steps but you have to start. You get these fierce streaks of independence but then go the opposite way and beg for him to rescue you. Maybe he is setting you up too, why did he take the 4wheeler when he knew you would need it?
Creed, you are correct. Piled full of snow and sub zero for days now.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
TOH, Creed and Midwestern Girl have both given you excellent advice. First, try, if at all possible, to learn how to do things for yourself and if you can't do them, ask a neighbor or a friend. A good home cooked meal or treats is a good way to barter with some of your neighbors and friends. We all have had to learn to ask others to assist us when there are things that come up that we can't do.
You react to his button pushing very well. Learn to bite your tongue and just let the comments go. The best thing you can do is leave the past in the past and do not continue to bring the past up. It's a new day, start fresh, be positive whenever he's around. Thank him for doing things for you. Show your appreciation, stroke his ego even if it kills you. This man knows he's done wrong and the more you point it out, the more he's going to stay way and continue to push your buttons.
Look to today and tomorrow. Leave the past in the past and turn the page to today. If you think positive thoughts and stay positive, things will right themselves a bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A few weeks ago, my kids told me that I was being very cold and distant towards H and I told them that it was because of what he was doing.
They then told me that if I really wanted my marriage back, I need to stop being this way. I admit that at times, I do get miffed and act distant.
Just because a person wrongs us does not mean we should be that way toward them.
I have been at this for awhile and it is true, they know the wrongs they have done and feel the pain that never goes away due to guilt.
Yesterday, I sent H a text and said to him:
For Christmas I am giving you unconditional love and forgiveness.
To some that may seem ridiculous but we have to make changes within ourselves because when anger get in the way, our actions/words usually come thru and then we regret it.
Be kind, love from afar, do not let him bait you, do not bring up his lifestyle...that is his cross to bear.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Your right mwg, I did say what I thought he should do. The envelope, that was fear, a seconds thought that it was D papers or something. He knew what I was thinking. I brought up last year because he asked why and that is the reason I am not going.
And your right, he does know me, too well.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
WCW, I agree somewhat to what you are saying about going to Christmas. On one hand...but on the other. Something HAS to change here. I have to change. I have to do things different. If I go, there's a good chance bad will happen, he'll hurt me again. I have to stop it. So the only way I know to do that is to stay away. And isn't it high time he gets what he wants and that is me not in his life?
And your right about the independence thing. It's a work in progress. He has the 4wheeler to do his drive and some other family. He can't very well take the tractor to town. I really really don't want to ask neighbors to do this. They all work and have their own crap to do. I made the decision to stay out here. So that makes it even harder.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
