Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello again, Phoenix,

After spending the day with my children and reflecting on what you wrote, I was drawn back to a portion of one of my more recent posts about my XW's opening up to me:

After XW vented for quite a while, I interjected that I was sad that she still viewed me in the same negative light. It wasn't an angry conversation, and she did open up to me. She told me that she loves still me, and always will (yes, I am aware that this sounds cliche). She also told me that she doesn't really see herself marrying someone else because she can't see herself giving all of her to another again. Lastly, she said she can't see herself having children with someone else in the future. In the last couple of days, she told me that if she and I had stayed together, we'd have had at least 4 children.

Much of what XW divulged was new information to me. Good information. It was real information; not just having a feeling of mine or relying on my intuition, no matter how accurate my feelings have been since we split. Again, I do know that I have to keep myself and my feelings in check.

Now, I understand that I must keep my positive emotions in check. I also understand that my saga has been going on for almost three years, and that may seem like not much time to some, it feels like an eternity to me.

By her own admission, XW does think about me, but again, I understand she may do so much less than I'd like to believe. Caution is the key here. As I've posted previously, I know I cannot accomplish my reconciliation mission on my own, but I certainly can kill all of my efforts up 'til now with WRONG actions and WRONG words.

Thank you for reminding me that it's NOT ALL ABOUT ME! Right now, it's mostly about her and about me NOT undermining my own efforts to pave the road to reconciliation. Should she find it in her heart to wish to work on reconciliation, only then would we be partners again, working to achieve a gloriously happy marriage.

Although I know that today is not the darkest day of my D journey, now, I am now only making my way with a sliver of light, way off in the distance, as I climb upward towards my mission's goal of reconciliation. I routinely remind myself that, although I am not as far away from my mission goal as I was 3 years ago, I MUST congratulate myself and savor the smallest victories along the way, and recognizing and appreciating even the smallest of increments of progress and positive movement.

And of course, I must be VERY careful ensure that in my self-congratulation, I do not trip over myself and muck up what I have achieved with my XW in our efforts on the perilous journey of reconciliation. One thing that I do find comforting is that although my XW knows that my efforts are for the purpose of reconciling, even though I don't say anything about our R, she does not go away. Many times I feel our R is like a yo-yo. Of course there are many up and downs still, but we are held together by that yo-yo string and we keep coming back up together.

In closing, I will pay close attention to NOT congratulate myself too much for our progress over the past 3 years, because I understand that I will only cross the finish line when I cross the finish line...and even then, that's only the starting line for a more wondrous journey together! I will keep in mind that I am probably not a driving factor in much of what XW thinks, says, and does. I will live my life, not hers. I hear you. I want to achieve my mission goal and any coaching from my brothers and sisters here that I can put into play to positively affect my journey, I will gladly consider, try out, and evaluate for its effectiveness in MY sitch.

Thank you,
Tom