Finding my goodness and power

[25yearsmlc]

Frankd,
I have an 11 y/o and 19 d (22S too) so the stocking stuffers are all the things mentioned here. The gift cards don't take up much room, as my 11 y/o will notice so you need a "chunkier" thing or two in there. I do generally have one "real" gift in there, and little trinkets that are funny or useful. Socks are always a real laugh getter...NOT, but hey, on Christmas morning their feet will be warm and they won't waste time getting dressed while awaiting the stuff Santa brought! My d11 is sooo excited. I think 2 years ago she was a little down and scared. Not knowing what it'd be like although h came, it was weird. I just tried to keep the weirdness between h and me, and not let it "bleed" into their lives, as you said.

That's a good metaphor. You're wounded, but yeah, you can put pressure on the wound and stop the bleeding, at least around them.

I also thought your w was correct to apologize for not calling you. You were entitled to know your d13 was sick anyhow and certainly that w was coming over. But in reality, maybe your d13 was testing your w to see if she (d13) could count on her mom to be there for her. After all, isn't that a normal question of d13 to have? Anyhow, if you can, perhaps you should affirm to w that indeed you do want a call next time. You're fine that she came over, b/c d13 called and asked, BUT yes, you would like a heads up. It's your home after all. It wasn't thoughtful of w to come over that way. But she did figure it out on her own, and that's a good sign. She's trying not to be a jerk. I wouldn't read anything else into it, but it is a positive thing. The problem LBSers have sometimes, is we read into anything half decent from the WAS as a "sign' of a return, when all that is really happening is the WAS is trying to show that they aren't totally horrible. It's still better than the "I have to be jerk to get through to you!" approach that some WAS have to do, in order to convince the LBSer that it is in fact over. I am not saying your w is thinking these things. I'm saying I've seen it so often before, where the LBSer reads into a gesture of courtesy and then, the WAS feels "punished" for being nice and then, stops being courteous at all. Just to make sure they're clearly breaking it all off. I don't see you doing that, but thought I'd point it out as something we need to remind ourselves of.

So, you are having the girls at Christmas but I'm unclear as to how w is involved now. She'll get them when? And who will you be with when the girls are with her and not you? THAT is something to make plans for, so you are not alone for any of this. Not saying to insist on being with W and d's at all times, b/c if you are not invited, and it's "fair", then you have to deal with it. But plan on something for you to be okay with, and please keep your girls from feeling guilty.

Years ago my parents separated and my mother made it clear she did NOT want US to spend any time with her h, OUR father (there were nine kids too, though most of us were out of the house). The first Christmas we balked and my brother hosted it and invited EVERYONE, and my mother didn't come. She went somewhere I"ve forgotten. But we felt torn and guilty and since my dad had not been a great dad or h, I understood mom's feelings of betrayal. However, we still wanted R's with our dad and he didn't insist on her absence then. But He did do that one year though, at Thanksgiving. I recall calling him to ask him to come over where we all were, and he wouldn't. He had set the table for the whole family, (like 15 people) and eaten alone. My sisters and I cried. So, one Christmas and one Thanksgiving wherein each parent staked out their territory and practically ruined both holidays for us.

Be at peace no matter what, in front of your daughters. They'll remember it someday, with gratitude. Or at least, you won't be planting horrible holiday memories like I just dragged up. Yikes. I'd forgotten those...

((( j )))

[Dawn of Hope]

Stocking stuffers...I don't have kids, but I was a girl once upon a time, and my mom was always good about the stocking thing. The ideas given to you have been good. What kind of candy or other food treats do your D's like? That's always a winner, unless they're dieting in a MAJOR way. It's the holidays, after all--time for everyone to relax their dietary rules a bit. My mom would use nuts (in the shell) to fill up the leftover space in stockings, and she would put out nutcrackers and bowls to catch the shells, and we'd munch away at them all day and try to ruin our brunch/dinner...that was always fun. We always had a perfectly healthy appetite for the next meal, though!

Peace,
Dawn

[25yearsmlc]

thanks for the tip Amy,

hey, where are you in Virginia? I grew up in Northern Virginia, and h went to Va Tech, as did my brother. Family in Fredericksburg now as well...oh, it's a small world.
Just went to my HS reunion (now now, what poss diff does it make WHICH one, ummm, let's say...the 20th! There, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it).

Oops, sorry for the hijack folks. Sometime tonight I want to post on my own thread instead of hogging others'.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Amy/Guys,

I just tried to view posts of frankd and Amy, by going to your "red" name on this page, for instance, and it says "can't do another search at this time"...so, is this a malfunction? I get the same thing under the Search mode on the main screen. This didn't happen >6 months ago. I haven't had any success with this in a long time. Is there some new way to search we don't know, or is the system just overloaded? I can believe that.
j-

[spitfire23]

25,

I clicked on your red name and dropped down to view your posts. The first time it worked and brought you up. Then I did an immediate recheck and got the same message you are getting.

That has happened to me at random times so I think it is their system.

Hey Computer Genius....can you help us out here? At least check in and say hey.

Spitty

[frank_D]

They have put a limit on how often you can use any function that searches the database. The bulletin board software (UBB) uses a very brute force method to search posts and it can hog the CPU for up to a minute. That's why when you post a new item it will sometimes just wait and wait.. That's because it can't lock the tables to insert the item because a search is in progress.

It could be tuned to work better, but most sysadmins don't know how to do that.

[smith18]

What would be good would be if they had a "view threads" for each user and it did not entail using a search to find those threads - just store the thread url's in the users account (if there is a field for optional things).

[faithisbelieving]

frank...I just caught up on your thread. From the beginning of my own sitch, I've often reflected on the fable The Emperors New Clothes. We see something we want to see when, in reality, it isn't there.

In the DB world, you can stand forever hoping, praying, waiting for the thunderbolt clap and..then...there is our W standing there with a halo over their head standing in that luminescent light...begging us to be forgiven for straying and wishing to be back in our arms.

Then..there is reality (?). Our W's punched out a long time ago.

From the legal standpoint, I would NOT take a laissez-faire attitude and wait for the papers and let the cards fall where they may. I would take an aggressive approach. File against her and hurt her? NO! Protect myself? Absolutely. This is no game and like mentioned above, you'll regret it if YOU are the one asked to leave the house and SHE is in it with the girls. This becomes a business. Don't treat it any differently than getting contractual work for the PC. I recall a cartoon once of two Asian samurai bowing to each other. One was smiling and over 10 feet tall. The other was smiling, was 4 feet tall, but had a pistol behind his back. Don't get caught with your pants down.

I forwarded DC's latest newsletter to you. I think it is powerful and describes the way the 'old frank' would handle this. Many here find the 'alpha male' stuff, well, let's say controversial. However, if you sort thru what you need, I find DC's approach right now the 'right one'.

I applaud your new approach frank. No one likes to put down the anti-DB recommendation in print, but, for now, I think this R is done.

Protect your D's...love them...hug them....

Save yourself. Go back to being the man that kicked my a$$ in last year 12/06..what was that line about letting your cajones hang out? that someone posted above? the bulldog walk....

Time to live your life for you...who cares if she's with dorkelhose.....find your invincible summer...

And one more thing El-franko...would ya answer J3B's dadburn question for gosh sakes?

Strength and honor.
FIB

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I think Frank might be mad at me, and that's fine. I'd rather see Frank angry than mopey. All Frank has to do is tell me to shut up and not only will I but I'll know he is on the right path to picking up the mantle he dropped when he f-ed up and got all girly. ; ) no offense meant to the girls here. I LOVE girls, just not when they are in the form of men.

[frank_D]

No, not mad. Just kind of not sure what to do right now. Lot's of work pressures. Kid pressures. Life pressures.