It's Complicated!

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not suggesting you lie or go out of your way to protect the cheating spouse. But how on earth does it help to have people know who would not otherwise know IF, IF IF your goal is a real reconciliation? What good does it do? I don't believe it's good at all for the children to know if they don't have to. I'd go to great lengths to keep my kids from knowing something like this. But search your heart and talk to a DB coach or your t or whomever helps you in your goal of a recon.

Sometimes, Isn't it possible that the betrayed spouse is being a bit punitive? Not saying the WAS doesn't deserve that, but every time the word "deserves" comes up from a LBSer, it sets off alarms in me as I recall being asked to watch for that from my own DB coach. It was a way of knowing the diff between setting/enforcing healthy boundaries, and trying to punish the WAS.

Punishing.....is not our jobs and even our children know this at some level. It does not honor us to do that and of course, it's NOT going to get your spouse back. It looks vindictive and sometimes, it is. We have to model grace under fire, and stay dignified in the face of deep betrayal.

But just as importantly, the more defensive the WAS feels, the more we "dish it out" to them, the more vindicated they feel for doing what they did. In effect, it validates their choices as we "prove" that we're vindictive people and that they were "right" to feel and act as they did. I DID lash out at times so don't think I"m holier than thou. Good God, the things that came out of my mouth at times, b/c I was SO ANGRY and SO HURT....I felt "right" damn it! Let's say, for the sake of argument, I was/am...so what?

My DB coach said not to say so much of the "Why are you doing this? How can you do this to us?" etc because it keeps the WAS from getting to listen to their own inner voice tell them they're screwing up, as we force them to continue defending their choices with our questions and insinuations and doubts.

Of course by its' nature some folks will know of an A, if it comes to anything more than a short fling. I just don't know how having more people know, can help a couple get back together. I did NOT have this issue in my WAH/MLCer, although h left for some time and we are now reconciled. My h did not "deserve" me or our family in the sense that he made terribly selfish choices for crappy crazy reasons I will never fully understand. That sucked and it was incredibly hard to get through. Forgiveness is something I'm working through and it's really really hard. I sometimes had to take it a day or hour at a time. And remind myself of the many flaws I had and the idiotic approaches I had tried to get h to change, idiotic b/c they never worked but I continued the same cheeseless tunnels. The DB Remedy book was an eye opener for me with the whole 180's, and letting go, and NOT doing more of what doesn't work.

But my DB coach said something that applies to this sitch as well, which was to "Keep the road home, paved and smooth" and that really helped me remember what general approach to recall. She also said "Don't try to show your H the consequences of his actions; LIFE will do that". And it does.

Guess those are really my points. If it comes to a D, then the whole approach shifts and we're talking a way diff ball game. But glam wants things to work out. But as I said, I don't know the whole history. I do know score keeping fails both sides and that you cannot make someone recall things your way and you have to let go of the desire to see the past the same way. It's about now, and what you can create for your family and the future, imho.
j-