Rob, Glad you're finished with all the finals - that should give you a chunk of time for you now right? How long is your holiday break?
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Also, you mentioned wondering why W is acting different to you recently, but try to step out of this trap. It just sucks you in emotionally to what she's doing. It is hard and I'm sitting here as someone who couldn't do it myself, but keep the focus on you and your boys.
I suppose she doesn't quite know what to make of me anymore...I don't have any contact with her at all other than to talk with my baby boy - or to schedule time with him. She's with her parents now, and I'm sure it's not what she was hoping for in terms of getting a break - her father is just too damaged a person for that...and I'm the one paying the price for a lot of his sins...no...that's not true...my wife is the one paying the price...I am the one that is getting stronger and loving a person that I wish could heal from her past.
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BTW - for what it is worth, she's acting the way she is b/c you are no longer acting the way she expects. Your changes have helped to disarm her and you've taken back some control so she doesn't know what to do. Stay as dark and distant as possible and keep working on you. She'll come back as needed, but you've got to keep the oven mitts on b/c you'll get burned if you aren't careful.
I've been looking for some professional grade oven mitts - since the ones she bought for us a few years ago were just decorative in my opinion...they couldn't take the heat in any real way at all...I definitely need to have some high-grade ones ready because I still hear the heated anger in her voice - all I have to do is ask how my baby boy is doing and that's enough to get her angry...makes no sense, but then again, I'm not expecting much in the way of sense from her anymore...the anger and irrational responses are a lot more consistent.
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You are doing great and I'm glad I've been able to give you a weapon to use when you are feeling weak. I had many weapons given to me by my wonderful, loving friends here on the boards, so I'm glad I could pay it forward and I hope I can continue to do so in the future.
And I will be paying it forward myself. No matter what happens with my R/M, I value what the good people here do for one another...I marvel at how generous people are with their time, with their stories, and with their compassion. I just look at what Kalni, BBJ, Bettou, Tawnya, Puppy, you, NW, KenF, SmartCookie, MFT and so many other good people are going through, and I'm calmed to see that there are so many friendships that develop here...it's an astounding support network unlike anything I've known before.
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ALL BETS ARE OFF WHEN IT COMES TO THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILD.
I agree...I sent her one note on the first day he was home sick with me - just letting her know how he was doing - no response - the next day, more of the same - and then the same on Saturday...so I just sent her quick TMs giving her an update on him...she never does so for me...nothing even close...and so I just ask her myself how he's doing - and she gets annoyed - but that's her problem not mine...
The last time she visited her parents her sister was there - and my W took S2 to the emergency room because she insisted he wasn't breathing right - SIL is a nurse who has NICU training - and when I talked with her after the visit she said she could not believe that my W took a perfectly healthy baby to the ER...apparently my baby boy had been playing with SIL - running around and laughing - just before my W took him to the ER...my W never told me about that...she just told me that he was having trouble breathing, and I kept wondering why he didn't seem sick at all when they came back the next day.
It's odd how the geographic distance is affecting my thoughts - opening my mind a bit - even helping me realize that I'm not (no longer?) in as much pain as I thought I would be. I expected that I would land, come into my mom's home and just hold her and cry...didn't happen...same thing when I saw my sister...my eyes watered when my sister asked me how I am doing - and I said I'm doing okay, but not great - but then my sister quickly interrupted me and said, "you're so skinny!" (I've worked off about 25 pounds in the last few months (10 before the bomb, 15 more after...all through exercise and healthy eating - no depression or lack of appetite).
Anyway...when I didn't cry with my mom, I thought it might happen with my sister - but nope...no tears. Not that there isn't some sadness in me - I miss my baby boy like mad...which hit me especially hard when my S11 and I were playing outside in the snow...but being here is also reminding me of a lot of the things that didn't work in my M/R...perhaps because there was always so much drama in the trips out here or back...such drama that eight years ago I had already wondered if my W was right in her head...after she threatened to throw my son's shoe out the window for kicking the back of her seat as we drove along the highway...It was a ten-hour drive - he was three - I pulled into a rest area and made her get out of the car for frightening my son - and when she got back in the car she told me that a man inside the rest area told her, "a pretty girl like you shouldn't be with an ogre like that."
Hint of things to come...and one that I ignored all too well...she later insisted that she was joking when she pulled off my son's shoe and threatened to throw it out the window...she even brought it up with her sister once, asking SIL if she remembered when their father would joke with them like that - SIL responded by saying, "that was never funny, it was terrifying." Man, I feel so dense right now...but there must have been something in me that felt a need to be with someone like her...something about working through unfinished business I suppose...and yet, through all her darkness, I always saw (and still do see) this incredible person just wanting to come out...and be loved...
