WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[25yearsmlc]

Geez guys,

I have to admit I feel like I'm at a reunion with some good friends who've seen me through some tough times...because I am.

LonelyD, you are really in the right place, in many ways.

LD, I have a suggestion for you and the holidays you may find useful. Assuming that your M is over (which I'm not doing, but for now...) then you really need to establish a totally UNrelated "tradition" for your kids asap.

The first Christmas after H left, he was briefly here but left the 27th and I had a s20 home for the holidays, along with d's then 16 and 8, a house with 3 kids on holiday and they knew things were looking dark for us. I didn't want the stress of the limbo our M was in, to keep nagging at me and them.

So, I rented a ski cabin a few hours away and after h left, we drove up. It got dark pretty fast and I was a little afraid since we ended up driving in a blizzard and I got lost, and didn't know for sure how to put chains on, but somehow we got there. But we managed to find the cabin late that night, heated it with a fire, made hot chocolate and watched a movie. The next few days were sunny and beautiful and we had a blast skiing and snowboarding. The youngest d bragged to h about snowboarding so well and loving it. H has to have wished he'd been there. (If not, who needs him?) But that wasn't my goal, it was simply a by product for him. Not my problem or responsibility.

But interestingly, the next Christmas came and d11 (then 9) said, "I hope we're going skiing again, b/c we ALWAYS go skiing and snowboarding after Christmas".... see, for kids, "traditions" start with one or two events. Then it's "we always do this!!"...

And h wasn't part of it, but what made it great was that we had fun as a family, and his absence wasn't nearly as glaring. He just wasn't a part of it. Oh well.

More dramatically, the following summer I took the kids to Italy for my 25th anniversary as h "couldn't" get the time off and lived in Alaska then. He visited here for a few days-the actual anniversary and felt that was a great gesture on his part, as he still didn't "get it"... since it wasn't a priority to him to take a real trip for such an occasion, which it was for ME, I took the trip and took the kids. The girls and I had spent many nights planning the trip and taking genuine pleasure in that.

Much Later, I learned that it bothered h a great deal to know that the kids and I were living it up without him...and we were! I honestly barely thought of him as there were NO reminders and there had been great joy in planning the trip itself. It took the edge off d17's hurt and anger at the time to plan it with me. She was especially well informed when we got there, knowing what to look for at the Vatican and Florence. I recall laying in bed looking at booklets and the internet and picking a really old ( as in, built in 1525) place to stay for a week and we all loved it. It was a great bonding and learning experience. It was like a gift that keeps on giving b/c you have all these memories to share.

This spring our d19 will be in Germany and Russia, studying Stanislavsky and Brecht (acting gurus). I'm hoping that in May I will visit her with h and he says "sounds great" so we're planning a trip to see her perform there. Wacky, huh?

I know it costs a lot to do these things, though I did get some good deals. But I have to say that I cannot think of a better way to spend money, short of life saving surgery, than to take myself and children to a place away from pain and rejection, stimulating and educational and fun and to create memories of a family that was, and can always be, Happy with or without every single member there.

A short trip away could work wonders with your sitch I think. Even if you can't do it now, could you plan one together? And if not a trip to a whole new environment, then see a LIVE show (I'm really into theater) or a fun movie. Live theater occupies an audience more than films do generally, so for a few hours, the girls won't really be able to think of their missing mom. Even decide you'll watch non-stop comedies, adventure films, Meryl Streep or Woody Allen or James Bond, or whatever, and make the popcorn and open the sofa bed, or whatever. Do it.

You can manage something like this, creating a new tradition they'd like. Present the kids with 2 options (or 3 at most) about where to go or what to do. Don't burden them with decisions, but Get their buy in and feel excited about the planning of it.

I don't know your area so can't say about weather and skiing, or theater. But there are things that will not remind them of her more than briefly if at all. Also, if your w hears of it later and it's favorably presented... works wonders on the WAS... it isn't the goal of course, but it's a nice benefit. When our youngest d told h of the ski trip and how she had snow boarded and loved it...he missed out. That was that. Same goes for the older kids and I know it kills h to think he missed so much of their childhoods...

Now, d19 has some issues with h, still. But she is working on forgiving him and said so on "Father's Day" in her card to him. She told him he had hurt her deeply by leaving and choosing a job over spending her high school years at home with her. Believe me, I'd have died if I had gotten a card like that. And his choices were baffling to me. I have a career and cared a lot about it. But Christ, it's only a JOB...not a life...not a family... but d19 said she was "ready to let [him] into her life and heart again"...wow. I almost cried when I read it (h let me read it). H said something about what the job had cost him, although it seemed he was angry at the "heroes" he had worshipped and believed, rather than himself. H has made some interesting choices the past 8 months about family that are better.

But I digress. Just wanted to suggest the alternative holiday traditions for your kids. Don't let this be the Christmas that "sucked". Let it be the Christmas that you guys went to "X", or did "X", and had a good time. Otherwise you are teaching them that their happiness depends on someone other than themself. Remember they are watching you and you have to model how it is, to be deeply hurt but to heal and move forward. And forgiveness is damn hard. I defended h to the kids saying "h is confused" and once, d19 said "no he's not confused...he's just selfish"...ouch. I still struggle with forgiveness. It's like pregnancy, we conceive it but it takes time to give birth to it I think.

And We all wonder what leaving, staying, divorcing, setting boundaries, punishing, does to our children. WE do, the ones with the kids IN the M, do at least. Someone has to.

Also, your youngest may benefit from what my DB coach said to tell her when she asked about divorce. She worried mostly about who'd take care of her AND whether we'd have to move. I'd say that "I hope we don't divorce, b/c I have loved your dad for decades...but the main thing is that I'll do whatever I think will make you happiest in the long run..." I spoke about what would NOT change in her life, no matter where her father lived. By telling her that her happiness was my priority, she seemed comforted. She did remind me of that later, when we were in Alaska and she didn't like it. She wanted to return here, and we did, on her birthday. For lots of reasons.

You have to convince, or show your kids that life is still good. Honestly, their mom could have been killed in a car accident and would you tell them, "yes, the holidays will suck from now on, as will life..." ? Of course not.

You are in a good place LD, you just have to get your kids there too.
j-