Its been a busy and productive few days. The kids and I even finished shopping for the little boy at my school who we "adopted" this year. He is in kindergarten and likes red. So we got pants, shirts, some sweats, hat and gloves, shoes, a few board games and these new bokugan toy things (like Pokemon). My church had given me $100, and I just about matched it with a "bonus" that each teacher of this school got from a foundation for the work we've done with the kids. A little for my family, a little to give away. I wanted my kids to see us helping others, too.
D and I baked cookies while S went to his scout party. We had a good time with that again, too. She loves to decorate them more than bake them.
Work is good; lots of good people, hugs and cards. The PTO bought the staff a nice lunch and I got to visit with some friends. I taught most of my classes how to make 3-D snowflakes (they are easy but have a big visual impact).
One wrench today:
Great-grandma called. She wants me and the kids to join them for Christmas.
What a spot. She said that she would understand if I didn't go, but that I had to face him sometime. Her and the other sibs just don't talk to him about it, she said - they just have nice visits. She wanted to make sure that I knew that I was wanted there, that I was missed. I don't think she has a clue as to what he really did to me. I did wonder out loud if he realizes how the family sees them, now - the gf as the manipulative, family-destroying b!tch (other's words), and him as the fool who fell for it. Grandma just said again that she didn't talk to him about it, or her - she never came up. They just "have nice visits when he comes over."
My IC has said before, hey, this is part of divorce. Why go down and feel uncomfortable, and let him off the hook for not having the kids around? These were his choices, and he should feel the natural consequences. I'm not out to punish him, though....but I don't want to have to medicate myself just to get through a holiday that I am ready to enjoy!
The man threatened to kill me. He left me for dead on more than one occasion when I was in crisis, suicidal. A huge number of other really terrible things.
I am trying hard....I think I have forgiven him these things, accepted his behavior and choices (as I have my bi-polar sister's - both of them react out of where they are, and choose not to get help or look beyond the driving forces of their thoughts). But that doesn't mean that I want to open myself up for any other interaction, either. He has shown what he is made of, and I'm not interested in having that in my life, and he has no interest in changing. Facts: He is a liar. A pretender and actor. An adulterer. Selfish. A self-entitled narcissist with a huge false self-ego covering up for low self-esteem. And his is an unexamined life. He will stay right where he is, twisting in the wind, unwilling to do the hard work. Probably forever.
I can forgive him for that. (I think of that quote, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.") But that doesn't have to mean that I become his friend, or talk with him, or do anything just to make it all ok for him, for anyone else but me.
I feel badly, but I have to look out for me. I've seen that no one else is going to do that for me.
