It's Complicated!

[Silent Chrleader]

My H too has said that he can't even try to work on the M because "there's too much water under the dam". He can't let go. It's a dilema, definitely.

But, don't let your H make you feel guilty about having talked to others for support during that time. I still talk to my MIL, and my H had a problem with that, but I told him that if he thought that I was going to let his voice speak for me to these people that I love and consider family, when he has shown such a lack of honor, then he better think again. Our C even told me that keeping the secret is NOT a responsibility the hurt partner has. Quite the contrary. Stepping up and facing the family and those who love the one you've hurt is part of the penance one must do to earn back his place in the family.

So, I think you can tell your H that you understand his pain, and you are sorry he feels that way, but you sure hope he can get over it because you deserve a partner who can be your partner in all facets of your life.......JMHO.

[job]

Glam,
Silent Cheerleader has posted some excellent thoughts. I also think that your h can't let the past go because he needs that excuse to hold on to so that he doesn't have to recommit fully. He's using that as a scapegoat in case things do not work out. It's his lifeline to the other side, so to speak.

If he raises the issue again, just say, "I'm really sorry you feel that way and I hope that some day you can let the past go and forgive me. I have forgiven you."

Please try not to worry about this too much. It's something you have no control over and until he completely crosses over to the rational side of life, he will hold on to this one excuse for dear life. I do hope that he will leave it all behind and soon. He really has a wonderful wife and family that want him home completely and ready to recommit to the marriage.

Glam, take are of yourself and please allow God to work on him.

[glamgirl]

What a nightmare. Sis's flight was cancelled. She was so upset I had to call the airlines for her. I got her booked on another flight Tues am. I just called her and she is so excited. If she doesn't come she will have to spend the holidays alone.

We will see what tomorrow brings. I will be praying that flight doesn't get cancelled.

H hasn't made it to the house yet. Not sure what is going on with him. I have just left him alone today. Hopefully he can pick up sis tomorrow. I will ask, but it is a work day for him.

[glamgirl]

Thanks SC, great advice. My h had even said that the anger towards me is what prevents him from moving home.

Snodderly thanks for posting. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I did mention to h a few days ago that he is using this as an excuse. He just said well then it's an excuse. You are right, it's easier for him to hang onto this excuse that it is to piece his family back together.

You are so right, I have no control over whether he forgives me and chooses to face his family and mine again.

[MidwesternGirl]

GG:

I hope your sister makes it. And I sure hope your H remembers to pick her up. If not, do you have Super Shuttle up there? They will take them to the doorstep of their destination. It is a great alternative to driving to the airport.

Lastnight on the news, they said many flights had been cancelled and people would be here for something like 3-4 days as a result of those cancellations due to the weather. They even ran out of vouchers that would have provided those people with a hotel and food and it was said that they were on their own. That is awful!

[glamgirl]

MWG I don't know what is going on with h. He said he would be here at 3pm. Well we haven't heard from him and he isn't answering his phone or text.

Not sure if that means he is not coming over afterall and if he did have to pick up my sis tonight would he even make it. I don't want to doubt him, but we are not hearing from him.

I have instructed sis to take mass transit or a shuttle if my h isn't able to help. My car is still buried in the snow.

[MidwesternGirl]

Your h--does he know that the flight has been changed?

[25yearsmlc]

Glam
where's your thread? I mean, what's he so mad about with you? Generic bitchiness about his cheating or being gone too much, etc? Or an A on your end? I'm just trying to catch up to your sitch and what kind of stuff he's hanging onto.

I am not completely getting your comments to your mil. I mean, if you are discussing the A with her, that doesn't really help you if your goal is recon. It just gives your h more of a reason to defend his choices and I've found that the more people who know of the A, the harder it is for the LBSer to come back. He feels it's too much to overcome, that he'll never have the right to be angry about anything later on, b/c of the damage done in his past. In a way that's true. I mean, the cheater ends up thinking he has to eat so much crow, that it isn't worth it.

It's your job to show that by lightening up big time, and backing off. So what if you don't know where he is? Maybe he's shopping or wants to feel UNtied down. It's crappy at this time of year, I know. And no one likes not getting their calls answered. But have you plagued him with texts, etc? I think most couples who are trying to recon (and I don't know your sitch fully) after an A, know that the one who strayed does have to make some changes to re-assure the spouse of their commitment and fidelity. Answering a phone is one thing most agree is a priority but again, what's the sitch with his work and your history?

Somehow, forgive me if I'm wrong, I get the feeling you are someone who analyzes a lot and maybe creates some of her own problems. Paralysis by analysis?

And you mention things that sound like a lot of score keeping too. Have you spoken with a DB coach? I went to 4 counselors with h and without. It was a DB coach who opened my eyes to what I could actually do and who's advice helped keep my M together. I cannot say all our problems are solved by any means, but I thought for sure we'd be divorced long ago. Lose the score card. It won't be even and what's worse, is that no matter what happens, you two will NOT agree on your marital history. He won't see things your way.

What matters is how you two see your future. Let go of the rest as best you can. Show him the way. God bless.
J-

[MidwesternGirl]

I am not so sure that if people know about an A that it is harder to come back. It is the guilt and feeling of letting everyone down that makes it hard for them. If the MLCer moves out and in with the OP, how can relatives and others not know?

I don't think it changes anything at all.

[happynow]

Glam,

I hope all is well & your sister will be able to get there tomorrow.

I also hope everything is all right with you H, it's a long time for him not to call or let you know something.

Thinking about you!
(((HUGS)))