Moving out this weekend. Please help!

[Hopeful Husband]

FaithfulH,

I have read most of your story and it is truely inspiring. It gives me much needed hope. Thanks for the prayers. We need them.

[Hopeful Husband]

Sooners,

I have asked God to take over. I know I cannot help her anymore. She is not the person she once was. I don't believe she is in control. I am so afraid for her but confident that God will take care of my princess. It is the waiting for them to hit rock bottom that is the hardest part. You are right it probably would be best not to know most of whats going on. Unfortunately I am one that feels the need to know what is going on. I am trying so hard to change that.

I am praying like I never have before. Talking to God multiple times a day. I listen to sermons all the time and I went to church last night, something I need to do more often, I was afraid of going alone. Unfortunately the fasting part is coming all too easy. At one time I was eating only a single banana a day at most. My apetite was shot. I don't even really like bananas. It was just something I could stomach at the time. I have gotten a little bit better and can eat at least one whole meal on most days. Hopefully going to the gym will increase my apetite. I am a thin guy as it is, I don't want to look sickly.

This evening was not good friends. I stopped by my house on the way home from work to check my mail. She does not check it often. I only went to the mailbox and was hoping my wife wouldn't even notice I was there. It is a centralized mail box for our street so it is not in direct view of my house. Right after I shut the mail box I noticed a guy walk out of my house. It was a neighbor that is about the same age as us that has recently grown close to my wife. Within the past week she has been invited over for wine with her new roomate and even before then she went in this guys house to talk for a couple of hours one night. She just met the guy that night and I thought it was very inapropriate. He has really seemed to take an interest in her, hopefully jsut friendly. Well soon after he walked by (staring at me the whole time mind you) she walked by to go to his house with him. They were carrying what looked like drinks and a couple of things to make dinner. I am pretty sure that she sees this as only a friendship but I know how guys are. This guy might see her in the vulnerable state that she is in and try to take advantage of that. If she has been drinking, combined with the medications she is taking she might make a mistake. It took everything I had not to get back out of my truck and do something to stop this. Instead I just left. Unfortunately I left very quick (couple of tire squeals) so she could tell I was upset. I shouldn't have showed her that. I failed in that situation. To imagine my beautiful wife in the arms of another man truely hurts my soul. I know you are all going through the same type of pain and I have to say that I am SORRY. My prayers are with every one of you. This is a terrible thing to go through. I am trying so hard to be strong.

Thank you all so much for the support and love.

[sooners7xchamps]

Hopeful Husband first it sounds like you are doing better for yourself handling this better than you may think so give yourself some credit. Now as far as your appitite being like this it is because you are still in a state of shock and how to cope with all of this so suddenly and unexpected of the one you love most, it is almost unvbelievable that this is and could happen but it is. Going by what you are saying about the guy and your wife I would say that they are being open and sharing feelings in thier talks and of course making you sound worse than you are. You have to understand that your wife is under satans control and that satan has set her up with this guy that is under his control. Satan always has someone ready to step in our place when one spouse falls away. Now your wife will start off maybe not purposely looking for a listening hear but satan will send one along that will and it will progress from there. She will feel comfortable to open up and talk to someone that appears to care which is satans deception that she won't pick up on. If she thinks or sees it as friendship it is simply a lie, satan is hard at work here. Basically she is already committing adultery. Now if things were to progress for them into something physical/intimate yes it is wrong, but for you it will be if you love her enough to forgive her of her mistake. Do not kid yourself and believe that this situation may for ever be a friend thing. Satan at work here just wants total distruction that is his goal. You must maintain self control at all cost, like I said before sometimes it is better to know less. Then if you get back together someday and they confess these things on there on without any pressure from you and you are prepared for that confession and have aleady forgiven them in your heart this will go much better for the both of you in a recovering marriage. God wants the best for both of you. I said a specific prayer last night and God answered me in a big way today, did't have to do with may wife but just that he is still working in our marriage that is all I can say for now. Your wife needs your prayers and you must take a stand with God. The squelling of tires if they know it is from you will just make her think she is leaving a bad person and that you haven't changed any. Keep in mind every move you make and everything you say and do will be analized with much scrutanity like you are under a microscope. Do everything you can to work on yourself over time maybe she will notice a different you and the you she feel in love with. As far as she cares right now she is done. One thing I will say don't give it to God and then take it back like I have done many times, man I can tell you just how much this slows things down and keeps the pain hanging around so much longer. I am the type of person that likes to know what is going on too but if I intervene she will despise me even more and she has to go through some trial and find that she misses me. If I don't let her miss me and I get in the way it may never get any better, this is why God needs to handle this. Like you my wife is very beautiful, yes I would brag on her in many ways just cause she is so wonderful. Satan will want you to give up so that he will have victory but you need to delare to him that you are standing with God. Find in the bible verses that you can declare to satan "that it is written." You will have to fight him with God and God's word, whatever you say to him he has to obey, God has given you power and authority over him. You have to make a choice to follow God or not. Love you brother stand strong with the Lord.

[Hopeful Husband]

Not much to report today. No contact in two days+. I really miss her so much. I wonder if I ever cross her mind, in a good way. I leave for Virginia to visit some family for the holidays next Tuesday. She was supposed to contact me so we can meet up before then and discuss a couple of things like bills, the house and such. I am not sure that she will call. I won't call her. Does it maybe seem like she hates me because she still loves me? I know that sounds weird but she seems so cold and I think that maybe sometimes it is a defense mechanism. I think she is battling in her head about what is wrong and right, what she wants and doesn't want, her sins and regrets but she doesn't want to show me any chance of hope. Maybe I am just giving myself false hope. Where the hell did my wife go?!??!??!?!

Sorry I am just venting. Patience is absolutely necessary at this point. You are right Sooners, she will be analyzing every little thing I do. I talked to her roomate today. She said that my wife said that I was an a$$ for speeding away like I did the other night. I will not do that again. I need to show no emotions except for love, understanding and happiness with myself. I also need to get out more and GAL. I need to make some serious New Years plans! Her roomate also said that my wife seemed excited about changing her name. Ouch! Stay positive....stay positive.....

[sooners7xchamps]

Hopeful Husband you are on the right track with yourself so stay focused on that. I learned tonight don't try to fix this marriage but try to win her back there is a difference. How to win her back good question and everyones sitch is a little different. All I know is that God is doing a great work in me and I have to know that whatever happens I will be ok. If for some reason she doesn't come back it won't be the end of life but I know there is someone out there that it will work out with. I guess life isn't always fair and sometimes there are some high cost for lessons that need to be learned especially if it is our relationship with God that he wants first. I'm not saying to give up but I do believe that God wants us all happy and not lonely, it is the very reason why God created Eve so that we would fulfill and compliment each other. Hopeful Husband we are young and I just can't envision God leaving us lonely the rest of our lives. Something good will come out of all of this God knows just what he is doing. My wife is wanting her named changed too, it's like they are cutting all ties so that they will feel completely free to go about doing what they want from then on out. I was thinking tonight that I haven't given up but if we divorce and have to move on then this is what she has choosen even if it is wrong. I will feel that I didn't choose to leave and end the marriage and will feel ok if I have to meet someone else someday. I would like to have a family someday it's just that I always wanted it to be with her. We can't put our lives on hold forever Hopeful. Pray that God will work it all out.

[Hopeful Husband]

Hello all. It has been a few days. I've been busy Christmas shopping, getting ready to get out of town for the holidays, and taking care of some things. I got my wife a gift for Christmas. Is this not a good thing to do? I got her a Santa Claus ornament and a spa treatment (relaxing bath and massage). Every year we would get a new Santa Claus ornament for our Christmas tree. It was kind of a tradition in our house. I said in the card that it was "one last Santa" and hopefully the spa treatment would help her to relax. It was not much but I felt that I needed to get something.

This just in.... She just called me. She was telling me that she was working on getting the house put in her name. I left a message on her voicemail this morning asking her to call me back. We really need to sit down and talk about some bills and such. I tried to wait for her to contact me about this but time is getting tight. She said that I sounded too formal on the voicemail and I didn't need to tell her who I was because she knew my voice. She said that it hurt her feelings because she did not forget about me. I told her that I was concerned about the bills and that she was keeping me in the dark and I am not sure what she was planning. She said that she was not out to get me and cared about me alot. She said that she has been avoiding talking to me because she doesn't want to be nice and give me false hope. I told her that I was only formal on the voicemail because I am not sure how to act around her anymore. I told her that I didn't know her. I said that I still don't know what happened and said that someday I would really like to know the whole story. I don't think I will ever get it. She expressed being upset because I went behind her back and talked to her friends to figure out what I should do. I told her that I was sorry that she felt that that was being deceitful but I was doing everything I could at that time to try to save what was most important to me. She said that she knew but it still upset her. I noticed that I was talking about the relationship too much and quickly changed the subject. I told her to let me know when she wants to go over some things that we need to go over and I hope she has a great Christmas. I initiated ending the call. It was good to hear her voice. It was so nice to hear her say that she cares about me but I know that she still feels like we will not ever work out. She continues to press on with the divorce.

I had dinner with her parents this Saturday. They wanted to see me for the holidays before I left town. They have been very supportive during this whole thing. I think that it probably hurts the situation at times. Her dad spent the day with my wife earlier in the day. He said that they actually didn't argue and that my wife said that she cared about me. He asked why the marriage couldn't be saved. She told him that it was complicated. Like I said before, I think that there is someone else involved. Her mom is going to try to go with her next week to the neurologist to talk to him about the medication she is on. It seems to be really affecting her. She has changed alot since going on them and I don't think she is aware of any of these changes at all. I pray that she agrees to come off of it and maybe it helps her to realize whats going on. She is in a fog, whether it be a new relationship, the medication, or both. Something is not right with her and I am not the only one that notices it.

More to come.....need to do some work.

[LonelyD]

Hello HH, we both have a lot in common, like most of us here. First let me tell you this, you cannot "fix " this, no one can. the more people try to find out what her "problem" is so they can help "fix" will just push her farther down the line. she does not see that she is any different or doing anything wrong. yes she is confused. My W dropped the bomb on me in august and devastated me completely. this site was suggested to me by a therapist. Since being on here I have learned many things, first, this has nothing to do with you, your marriage or your relaitionship, it is about her and her alone. You must learn to detach. I did it and it takes time. I also want to know everything she is doing, whats going on how she is feeling, but I withdraw from that feeling. I have started going to church and realized I needed to put this in His hands. It is a super hard struggle. I too am Xmas shopping. My situation is she is already out, has been since the end of August. Walked out on me and my kids. I have only one D living at home with me right now. W has OM which has been going on for about 5-6 months best i can tell. I am told often how miserable she is and how bad she looks. she is int he partying moment, 4 nights a week at least. I was into it with her and when the bomb dropped I came out of it. I was in MLC. that was my rock bottom. I no longer drinkl, occassional wine but thats it.

You need to GAL and you need to focus on you. I have and it does work, at the end of the day, you need to see yourself as the prize, not her...Good luck to you..

[Hopeful Husband]

Thanks Lonely D,

I too have stopped drinking completely for now (no I didnt have a problem) and I am getting closer to God. I picked up a bible yesterday at the store and have started reading the new testament. I have always been religious to to certain extent but this experience has drawn me closer to God and I am thankful for that. I can't get through this without him. I have left this in his hands. I just need to stop getting in the way so he can do his work. He has a plan. I wish my wife all the best even if it is without me. I WILL find happiness and someone who will hold true to their vowes. It is sometimes hard to think about it but I know I am supposed to be happy in life. I am a good person.

I am glad that you are working through it LD. Like many people on this site you are an inspiration to me. It is nice to see that people are getting through this in one piece. I am sorry to hear about your wife leaving your kids and you. That is tough man. I guess there are some things we will never understand. It is strange that your wife left and is now miserable but doesn't realize what she could go back to. I hear you on the partying. My wife turned into the little party girl herself. I worry about her. She is drinking on top of the all th meds, started smoking cigarettes and lost alot of weight. She didn't need to loose any weight. She now looks unhealthy, coughs alot, looks tired, doesn't smile. Its tough man. She used to be a very health conscience person, vegetarian, in shape, wanted nothing to do with smoking, contagiously happy. I sucks because I know that she will probably have to hit rock bottom before bouncing back. Its hard to watch and wonder when and how that will be.

[LonelyD]

My W is the same lost a ton of weight and I have heard she is smoking. she always hated that and really thin people. she looks like she has really aged in this. I have been told that women going through can show serious physical stress. she is. It is hard to get through and your mind believes the easiest way out is to just bounce. I was one foot there and AmyC and a few others convinced me to looka t what I want, not what other people say or what I hear she says, but what I want. It was then I decided to seek out god's help in this matter. I wanted to find someone to fill this void in me, I took my wedding ring off my left hand and put it ont he right. I was on my way to being with someone if I wanted and backed out. Put the ring back where it belonged and now hold firm to MY belief. It is god's will for me to maintain this path, now matter how many thorns I come across.

they will change. what they have done is a change and they think they need to do all the rest to make themselves happy. what I see now is that she drinks more, probably because of guilt, confusion and because she doesn't have to deal with anything. Bottom line is, she does, but she won't while she is in lala land. You need to not focus on her activities. you are being told this by a man who goes nuts trying not to, but I get thru it. Do not talk about it with anyone unless they are tight with you and will offer nothing but an ear. opinions are like a@#holes, everyone has one , don't care to hear 'em. I have some people I can bounce things off of. You are being too kind to her now, that is one problem. Allow your anger out. do not get crazy, but let yourself be angry, trust me your compassion is hiding it. You will get through the anger stage, it will make you strong enough to move on down the line. No one can really tell you what to do, you need to do what you feel is best for you. He will guide you and tell you the path hHe has chosen for you. Beware the traps on either side. Beware of friends who come to you bad mouthing her, they may be trying to suck you into a isutation that will justify her thinking, don't do it. It will play itself out. you will be better for it in the end, with or without her. I am the prize in my situation. all her frineds know , her family knows it, our family knows it but most importantly, I know it! I do not play games with her. I am direct and to the point. I am in a position now where she does not control the moment or my emotions. My emotions are still my weakness, but I keep them bound. everyday is easier, every night is harder. trust I know, we know. this is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time for the fog to clear and for clarity to prevail. Get a hobby, get busy with housework, go for walks, join a gym and finding something to do at least once a month where you can get out and blow off some steam. that has been the most helpful for me.

[LonelyD]

Hit rock bottom. these are the words we like to hear, are afraid to hear, and get antsy waiting for it to happen. My W will hit rock bottom. She will het it very hard indeed. The clean up will be immense. I am almost ready for it. Understand this, based on my research and people from this site, her hitting rock bottom and coming out to figure out what went wrong will be a huge amount of pain for her. Before you can even begin to discuss your M/R, you will have to deal with her dealing with her. You are a ways away from that I am afraid to say, but not as long as you may think.

Understanding what she is going through, understanding what you need to do and want to do are all equally improtant in saving your marriage. It is a difficult balance. I am the most impatient person on earth, I am doing it. Just breathe, understadn she won't be back tomorrow. Let her come to you. do not beg, do not pursue. You did nothing wrong, let her come to you. Get the DB book, trust me it helps. Read it three times...