Forgive me if I have already posted this to you but I find it helpful during times that I am feeling as you just described.
Try to separate feelings of grief from weakness. One thing I am learning very well through this experience is that we can be very strong and continue to get stronger every day and still be very sad, devastated even. You are strong for your boys even when you are at your saddest, lowest moments of grief.
As you said, we cycle through a lot of feelings in this process. JWM said something to me in a post yesterday that I like. He said that when he has a crying jag, as he called it, he likes to think that he just got rid of that particular bit of pain. I like that because it feels progressive. I read in a book on grief that the chemical makeup of tears of sadness is different from that of tears of joy. The theory is that tears of sadness are the body's way of ridding itself of the toxins and negative chemicals the body produces during sadness. Even if it is total crap, I still like the idea.
The other thing is that sometimes we can only be comforted by those going through something similar. I find it very comforting to receive words of strength and support here on these boards. So keep letting it out to us.
Hi Beth - You had mentioned that possibility of getting stronger and yet feeling sadness before...and I'm so glad you mentioned it again...I needed that reminder today.
I had come across that info about sad tears and toxins once before - and I sometimes feel there is some real truth to it - mostly because I just feel so very different after those kinds of tears just finally come out.
....... Here's a bit of journaling...
My wife was a bit different again tonight (she never called or emailed to check on the baby, btw...which I just can't make sense of) - anyway - tonight, whens he came by to pick up our baby, she didn't call from the car - she still backed into the carport and turned her car to face outward - but this time she actually came to the door and range the bell - she also called from the road to let me know that she was running late.
As she took our baby from my arms, she told me that she would email me tomorrow with the address of his pageant (I had consciously decided not to ask her about that address today - since she had already told me she would get it to me before...that was a 180 from me - not to remember for her). As she walked toward her car she paused and looked up at the sky, and then asked me if he had eaten anything today...and then I wished her a fine night, told baby that I loved him, and went inside.
Tonight, while I was at that Thursday night men's group, my W called to let me know that baby had diarrhea again tonight and that she school policy is that a baby has to be diarrhea free for 24 hours before going to school...I got this on voicemail, since I keep my ringer off while in the meetings...She left the message around 9.45 and asked me not to call her back tonight - but just to send her an email confirming that I can watch our baby again tomorrow...I wondered why she didn't just email me with that question...
So...she is calming down some...and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing...staying out of her way - not pursuing her at all - and not stepping into any battles she tries to set up...
She also said that she would like to pick up baby from me tomorrow and take him to his pageant while I go pick up my S11...
that's all for now...I'm exhausted and feeling a bit under the weather...and I think I need some sleep in a serious way...
Carlos I am glad your W seems to be warmer to you past couple days. May be her defense is lower down some, but who knows. So...she is calming down some...and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing...staying out of her way - not pursuing her at all - and not stepping into any battles she tries to set up... Good game plan, but do you feel she is setting up something? Or this is your resentment toward her to make you feel this way? Either way, you are right. You need to protect yourself at all time. I ask this because I sometimes feel my resentment toward my W is building up. I am not sure this is normal.... Hope you feel better soon. I am still dealing with the cold since last week. Have fun in the pageant....
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hi NW: I don't know if her defenses are down or not...I think maybe she's just feeling some of the emotions of a holiday with a broken family.
S2 was still sick today, so he stayed with me and we didn't go to his pageant. This morning, on her way here, my W asked me if I could do her a favor and give her some gift labels...I would have been happy to give her the labels if I had them - but I didn't have any...so I couldn't oblige.
She emailed three times today to ask about baby and whether or not I was going to take him to his pageant - and also told me what he had eaten at her place last night.
This evening, when she came by, she was her usual distant self again - and even did her lovely thing of turning her back on me while I was talking with her - only because I was telling her that baby has been doing well with pedialtye that that I didn't think he had to go home early with her tomorrow so he could breast feed...any time I disagree with anything she says she behaves that way...this time, as she turned a way, a thought jumped into my head: I deserve better than this...
She brought a Christmas present for my S11 by when she dropped off my S2 this morning...I thanked her for it and went inside. Last week, I forgot to mention, she brought some clothes that she picked up at her job - for my sister's daughter...
I don't know...I'm getting kind of bewildered about my emotions myself...NW - you asked about resentment...and no, it doesn't feel like resentment at all...Rather, I'm just starting to see things maybe a bit differently - namely that if she does not want to be with me, and does not see value in me or being with me -that is her loss - not mine. I had been focused for so long on what I felt like I was losing that I had not really thought enough about what she is giving up - and the truth is, she is giving up a lot - and if she doesn't want what I have to offer someone, well, I'm certain that I'll eventually find someone that will.
It does still upset me that we'll be spending this Christmas apart - and that I won't have S2 with me - but something will have to chance over time - and I will have him with me as my S11 and I travel in the future. As for having my W in my life? Honestly, as I just think about who she has become - and how she behaves...I just don't want to be with her anymore. I don't think she wants to change or improve herself at all - there's just no sign of it - and I don't want to be with a person like that.
I have my share of wounds from my childhood - there was a lot of pain and abuse - but I won't let the past ruin my present or my future any more. Not so with my W - she is willing to let the present be ruined and dictated by the past - and she knows this - and will not stop it...and so I cannot be with her. Would it be different if she told me she wanted to work on us and also work on herself? Absolutely - but that's not where we are - or where we're going...and I just don't like this person she has become...I still love her, but I just don't like her...at least that's how I feel right now...
Hey Carlos....how 'bout writing more about you and your kids and less about L? You ain't detaching at all possum.
I know it'll suck that you won't have A with you this Chrissie. This will be my first Christmas without d7 this year too. She'll be overseas with her dad. She doesn't want to go. She's scared of the plane flight(s). FOUR flights to get there. They'll be going through LA too - not that it means they'll _actually_ be close to you. I feel guilty now that I'm not going. Should finances really stand in the way of family time????
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi Purple: You know, I'm so glad you reminded me of just writing about my kids and me... you did that for me a while back...and it made a world of a difference. I guess I've just been tumbled a bit by the upcoming holidays since they so very unlike anything I've done before - my father won't be there, neither will my brother or sister...just my S11 and my Mom. I plan on making the most of it, though, since it will give me a chance to take my S11 to lots of places we haven't had a chance to go to before.
S11 and I made biscotti today - which he enjoyed a lot more than he expected. We had tried to make it before, but for some reason the new cookie sheets I got had burned the biscotti - and so we had to try again.
We're heading out to some friends for dinner tonight - which should be a lot of fun.
This morning I did another little Christmas with the boys - presents under the tree - but also some goodies in their stockings...right now, I'm just sitting in the kitchen for a moment - watching them play - and waiting for the timer to go off on the last batch of biscotti.
I was wondering about that trip, Purple - and sometimes I think that finances are just a way of saying that we do or don't want to do something. If finances weren't on your mind, would you have wanted to go? Maybe it's just not time...and you need things to keep moving forward gradually.
This morning, before my S11 got up, I was feeling a bit guilty about insisting on going away for Christmas when my W had once talked about trying to have us both stay her for Christmas - it seemed an absurd idea to me at the time - to put the kids through something so isolated and painful - and after I shook off the guilt I still felt like going away with S11 was the best thing for both of us...it will be my first real break in ages.
I am glad you will have a chance to get away with your son. I also think it is totally understandable that you would feel more focused on your W and R given the holidays.
Detaching is a process and it is a long one. Give yourself a break. It is okay to need to talk about it and this is certainly the place for it.
Hi Beth, Detaching really is a long process - I suppose it has much to do with just how many years you've had to entangle yourself with another person - and sometimes it dawns on my that I've allowed myself to be very entangled with my W's wants and desires - and at the expense of my own - never quite realizing that each time I did that I allowed a modicum of resentment to build up in me...
I'm in my mother's house now - my S11 is still asleep - he and I both had the stomach flu over the past few days - which is one of the things that was on my mind in terms of my W. S2 had it first - and that's why I had him home with me - the day before he stayed home with me, I had let my W know that I was sick - and she never said anything about it - like being indifferent to my health was somehow a sign of her own strength...which is to say that she continues to show a flip side to herself - in which she puts on this act of being indifferent to anything and everything about my life...
I'm writing up a list of things I want to do more of in the year ahead - which is also like a list of thinking of the things I want to do less of...I'm going to take the next few months to look into teaching positions - and also some volunteer work.
While I've worked as a copy writer for about a decade now...since leaving graduate school...I've never really liked it...and so I'm thinking that I could go back to teaching and continue to write the screenplays, etc, but do so with a much more fulfilling life.
...just a bit about talking with my W last night...when I called her to talk with my S2, she was a cold and rude as ever - this time even getting annoyed with me for asking what she meant when she said that S2 was "still sick" - since he had been much better when he was with me on Saturday...it sounded like she was trying to blame me for his being under the weather.
Ah well...let her stew in her own anger...it's just not mine...there are too many things I want to do today with my S11 while we're here...and he's already itching to go out and play in the snow...even if it is only 6F outside...
Glad you and your son made it safely to yur mom's. I hope you can find some peace there for a little while.
Do you ever feel anxious? I have been feeling quite anxious these last days. Maybe it is the holidays, maybe my most recent interaction with H. Maybe just a natural cycle in this thing.
I think it is great that you are writing a plan for the coming year. It is a fitting time with the new year approaching. I think I will take your lead and do that myself. Something about putting goals in writing really helps focus us on achieving them.
I hope you and your son will be feeling better soon.
