H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, all...well, the latest news is that H popped his head out of NC briefly last night. We had been completely NC for over two weeks, and it had been three weeks since we saw each other or spoke. I'm pretty sure that this is the first time we've EVER gone longer than a week or so without at least talking on the phone since we first met, 23 years ago.

I was at the store getting basic supplies and I had my cell phone in my pocket because I thought a friend might be calling me. When it started ringing, I pulled it out, and I was glad I checked the readout before answering...I just stood there feeling sick to my stomach, staring at the phone as H's name glowed on the front of it, and thought, "I really, really, REALLY don't want to do this. I do NOT want to talk to him." I was a bit nervous about what he might be calling about...kind of a "NOW what??" feeling. So I let it go to voice mail. Then I procrastinated even checking voice mail for another hour or so. I was being seriously avoidant!

His message just said, in kind of a neutral/distant tone, "Hi, it's me...I was just wondering if I had any mail at the house...it's x o'clock and I'm out and about right now, so I thought I'd see if it would be convenient for you if I stop by and pick it up. But if you don't get this message in the next few minutes, don't worry about it, I'll check back another time. Talk to you later." Since it was already past the time frame he mentioned, I didn't feel guilty about not calling him back, but I wouldn't have wanted to regardless.

Whenever I think of him these days, I just feel nauseated. Obviously I will have to get past that to have any hope of reconciliation, and I need to do it for my own well-being anyway. This goes right along with that "just wake me when it's all over" feeling that we were discussing earlier on this thread.

I have been thinking lately about the whole MLC thing...I'm not sure how to explain it, but to try to lay out my thoughts clearly: You tell your spouse you're unhappy about xyz related to them. Some of the stuff that's bothering you, they have control over, some of it they don't, although none of it is stuff that came totally out of left field after you got M. They proceed to make visible and at least moderately successful efforts to improve the parts of xyz that are within their control. Why would you walk away at this point? Why would you tell them, "Too little, too late"? To me this doesn't make sense unless there are other factors involved (like an OP). It doesn't make sense to flush your years together and everything else you had together down the toilet when your spouse is being responsive to your wishes. This is why I believe MLC is real...this scenario just doesn't make sense--no reasonable person would do this under those conditions. So...maybe I'm being too simplistic, or am in denial, but that's how I see it. What do you all think?

I've still got a headache...I'm hoping the aspirin I took will help, but it doesn't seem to be doing a thing, and that was an hour and a half ago that I took it. Usually my headaches last about three days, and I haven't found anything that makes them better, so I just have to live with them as long as they last.

My friend Lynn called earlier, and we are going to get together tomorrow to do some more baking. I'm looking forward to that. We both want to make more of the sugar cookies we made last time (my recipe, which she had never tasted before, but she really liked it a lot). Maybe we'll actually get icing on them this time.

I did pretty well (relatively speaking) getting to bed last night. I was trying to make sure I ate *something* for the day, and I kept falling asleep over my plate. I think I was asleep within 2 minutes of turning out the light when I finally made it to bed. Just need to keep working on this....

Okay, lots to do...must run off and do it. I'm so glad I don't have to brave the malls (I really dislike shopping--I know, I'm a strange woman) since I'm not exchanging gifts with anyone this year (except for maybe a few food items), for the first time ever...but I'm getting my hair trimmed tonight, need to go work out, got some work stuff to do, go to the bank...catch you all later!

Peace,
Dawn