I am doing what you are doing. I have an OM in the picture that is keeping things out of reality right now. Oh yes, I had my self revelations about me, and my issues, they are done and are behind me. Forgiving is the hardest thing I have had to do so far. Back when the bomb dropped it was, no problem, take her back in a heartbeat. now, I am more realistic. I have had to do a ton of soul searching and self evaluation to come up with the things I wanted to "fix". things that didn't have anything to do with her or about any of this, but I figured if your gonna clean the kitchen, might as well clean the whole house. I have. I am in a very good place. I have fixed my financial problems, mostly, couple of loose end credit cards, I have established a solid home life for my D17. I have huge respect from the people who kow me as to my accomplishements, and, most important , I feel good about myself and like me very much.
things are hard emotionally, you know, you're there. I don't act happy when I see her, I am happy, nothing I do is an act. I am who I am, thats it. If she doesn't like my attitude if I am in a foul mood when she sees me, tough, my life, my issue. I'll be honest though, I am never in a foul mood lately, ever. Forgiving is hard. God has put me on this path. He has told me to get past this. He has told me there will be nothing without this. It is a very hard thing to do. I need to forgive the one thing I hate most in the world, cheating spouse. Now I am here with it right in my face. I found it is easy to chastise things that don't involve you, the tables have turned. I am doing it, I really am. I think d's are a waste of peoples time when you feel it can be saved. I read in the DB book, that we have to put our lives on hold. god has told me when she comes back, there will be no me time. I need to get my "house" in order, for the reconciliation of my marriage and realtionship with her will begin with forgiveness. It is about her now and will be then. I am using my time wisely because I will have to deal with her when she comes back. Again, I am the prize in this, not the other way round. I am in a place, mindwise, that I haven't been in years. I am very strong right now and get stronger each week. I am not a religious person, but have become a huge believer over the past month. things are happening that are not coincidence, that is a fact. She is not pounding down my door, ringing my phone off the hook or leaving OM, but I am dealing with this better than I have.
I pray and have my mantras as well. And they do work. Right now, I have moved to a place that God wants me in, without question. I asked for a sign from her, from Him. I know He doesn't work that way. What I got was forgive first, evertything else second. But somehow, I will something....He loves me and knows I need a carrot....Thanks for sharing with me. I used to believe inthe all mighty dollar and still do at some level. I would rather be happy and healthy then chase a pipe dream...
