WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[25yearsmlc]

Gosh LonelyD,

I have a bunch of stuff to do for Christmas and it'd take an hour to re-hash. My old posts may be around and have a lot to do with h wanting a job back in Alaska, the one state I did not want to live in again. He had a full blown manly MLC type of thing partly due to adventures he felt unfulfilled with, and a strong desire for money, which he equated to success. He still struggles with that problem and he is a physician and has had long hours for decades. He seems to have a sense of entitlement that stems from such hard work (HE DOES work his butt off and always has, for his career) but the thing is, if you work hard at work, that does NOT translate into hard work on R's...just your work. Get it? I raised our kids almost like a single mom. And I resented that. A lot. And I showed that. So for my part, I would do things differently if I could. INstead of seeing each extended evening at work or added call, as a slap in my face (or "proof" that he didn't put family first)
I should have provided a home of warmth and love that would make him feel foolish for taking extra call. Sometimes he could have made his schedule better, to be sure. But the thing is, punishing him did NOT motivate him to do so.
The funny thing is, even if I'm "right" and h was "wrong", my behavior did nothing to change or improve his. Yet I continued it for years. The cheeseless tunnel, and I went down it over and over again b/c I feared if I were kind and warm to him when he had over extended, somehow I'd be rewarding him for neglecting his family.
See how brilliant my plan worked?

So yes, I played a role in the problems, although I guess it started with his workaholism. He has a hard time relaxing. And when he wanted to live up there again, I simply could not reason with him. I didn't understand why it was even debatable as I said "no, don't want to live there again. Tried it, hated it, good bye". It was weird, as I'm an attorney and used to having smart logical arguments WIN...but they didn't. He left anyhow. And guess what? Eventually (see my posts b/c I cannot explain well enough at the moment) I joined him there with d11, with the plan of going up to "check it out".

The things I feared for h, job wise, came true. The docs did NOT have a good business plan and it cost h, (and our family) a fortune to discover. They breached the contract in multiple ways and it was self evident that it would not get better. He knew he had to leave as there was really no choice, although we saw other doctors stuck there. The only issue was when to leave, the end of the school year for d11, etc. Then, h's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our "excuse" for leaving was thus perfectly presented and we moved back to California. Here we are, EXCEPT that h took my offer for him to go back east to be with his mom, FOR THE SUMMER and did that. He is on the east coast near her. He got a temp job working shifts at a hospital. So his pay is now paying our bills, more or less. He spends his evenings with his mom and weekends. This is a blessing we were told not to expect as her cancer has already spread beyond the lungs and is an aggressive form. But here we are, months later, and it's the holidays and that's a good thing. But then he goes back east after the New Year's so my fears are that he isn't looking hard for a job here. Why? I don't know. I don't want to move back east again, although I feel for him with his mom. He says taking a permanent job here would be bad for the time he'll need to be with his mom, when she gets worse. I say, fine, THEN quit. But now, we're apart, again. Being married, but living such separate lives. Do I fear OW? Once in awhile, but not that much. He sees my family back east a lot as well, so it'd be tough for him to manage an A, not to mention his own mom's needs. But since I think he's depressed anyhow, his job search for something here, seems feeble to me. Unlike the rest of the world, h can find a job with an hour of searching, if he's willing to drive. So, I'm worried and a little confused, but what's new? I have to live in the moment for now. THen, we'll have an adult conversation that I probably will run by my DB coach and ask how to figure out what's really going on. If h wants to move back home b/c maybe his mom has a few years left, I would at least understand that. But he's not saying it. He seems to be "doing" it. I just don't know.

My guess is he's depressed b/c Alaska didn't work out and he hasn't even had the time or space to fully deal with that. He admitted while we were there that it was a "big mistake" and that it costs us a lot. I worked full time while there but now am working on getting a teaching credential, which I know means a cut of 75% in pay. But I have wanted to teach/act/direct for years, only to have h being absent or disagreeable about it, "preventing me". So I've always jammed some show in somewhere it didn't impact my kids, or h.

Well, I cannot wait for him anymore so I'm pursuing my own goals, but not at my kids expense. I write from home anyhow, and Teaching is perfect for that as I'll have the same holidays as d's.

I also think h is sad for his mom. I know he is. Who wouldn't be? We've both had deaths in the family the past 7 months so it has been weird. Lots of sudden expensive travelling and grief. And cuts in money. And the whole Alaskan thing cost us our savings. Not our retirement, yet. But all the "cash" we had is gone. And so, when h whines about my taking a pay cut to do what I love, I have to stop myself from slapping him. Comparatively, his "mistake" costs us 6 figures AND almost our marriage. And for what? if he'd wanted to go to Africa to save lives, I'd have joined him. But it wasn't noble. It was selfish and his extreme beliefs about Alaska and making a gazillion dollars there with a 'gold rush' mentality were irrational.

SO Here's the toughest part. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I'm right on that sentence. That my h was/is selfish and behaved horribly, and irrationally, and is better now, but not perfect. Let's say he has to really struggle with not being a selfish or critical person. Well, do we get a d?

I mean, sometimes we marry people with substantial issues and faults. Sometimes they change, or their flaws are disguised or hidden until later on. So We have to figure out whether to stay with that or not. But we cannot stay if we're also determined to keep fighting their faults. WE have our own, for one thing. And honestly, we're fighting a losing battle if we think WE can fix them. It is not our job. It's a fruitless endeavor and an embittering one. I refuse to become bitter.

So what WE do, is try really hard, every single day and sometimes hourly, to forgive them. We work on our own stuff, and as for them, we work our butts off To let go of the past and live well now.

I had an epiphany a few years back and though I often backslide, I know what my goal is. We had a 4 day conference to attend (well, it was medical for h) in Palm Springs. We brought our d's. I decided that for the four day period, I would totally live IN the moment, NOT feeling bad about what was to come, or worry about it, or think of the injuries and wounds I had in my heart. I thought, "maybe this is the last vacation we'll have as a family (though son was in college) and I want the girls to have fun with all of us getting along, no matter what..." Well, somehow, with prayer and a few "mantras", I got through it. We DID have fun and it WAS a bonding experience. So, I had glimpsed what forgiveness and living in the moment could be. Granted, I knew it was only four days and that did help me. But recently the girls mentioned the trip and "That was sooo fun!" Mission accomplished as to the girls. But it also taught me that I CAN do this, if I set my mind to it. At least for periods of time.

Give yourself some sort of time period and goal that is achievable, to be in the moment. Create it.

More later, hope this helps.
(( j ))