Finding my goodness and power

[25yearsmlc]

Frankd,
I have an 11 y/o and 19 d (22S too) so the stocking stuffers are all the things mentioned here. The gift cards don't take up much room, as my 11 y/o will notice so you need a "chunkier" thing or two in there. I do generally have one "real" gift in there, and little trinkets that are funny or useful. Socks are always a real laugh getter...NOT, but hey, on Christmas morning their feet will be warm and they won't waste time getting dressed while awaiting the stuff Santa brought! My d11 is sooo excited. I think 2 years ago she was a little down and scared. Not knowing what it'd be like although h came, it was weird. I just tried to keep the weirdness between h and me, and not let it "bleed" into their lives, as you said.

That's a good metaphor. You're wounded, but yeah, you can put pressure on the wound and stop the bleeding, at least around them.

I also thought your w was correct to apologize for not calling you. You were entitled to know your d13 was sick anyhow and certainly that w was coming over. But in reality, maybe your d13 was testing your w to see if she (d13) could count on her mom to be there for her. After all, isn't that a normal question of d13 to have? Anyhow, if you can, perhaps you should affirm to w that indeed you do want a call next time. You're fine that she came over, b/c d13 called and asked, BUT yes, you would like a heads up. It's your home after all. It wasn't thoughtful of w to come over that way. But she did figure it out on her own, and that's a good sign. She's trying not to be a jerk. I wouldn't read anything else into it, but it is a positive thing. The problem LBSers have sometimes, is we read into anything half decent from the WAS as a "sign' of a return, when all that is really happening is the WAS is trying to show that they aren't totally horrible. It's still better than the "I have to be jerk to get through to you!" approach that some WAS have to do, in order to convince the LBSer that it is in fact over. I am not saying your w is thinking these things. I'm saying I've seen it so often before, where the LBSer reads into a gesture of courtesy and then, the WAS feels "punished" for being nice and then, stops being courteous at all. Just to make sure they're clearly breaking it all off. I don't see you doing that, but thought I'd point it out as something we need to remind ourselves of.

So, you are having the girls at Christmas but I'm unclear as to how w is involved now. She'll get them when? And who will you be with when the girls are with her and not you? THAT is something to make plans for, so you are not alone for any of this. Not saying to insist on being with W and d's at all times, b/c if you are not invited, and it's "fair", then you have to deal with it. But plan on something for you to be okay with, and please keep your girls from feeling guilty.

Years ago my parents separated and my mother made it clear she did NOT want US to spend any time with her h, OUR father (there were nine kids too, though most of us were out of the house). The first Christmas we balked and my brother hosted it and invited EVERYONE, and my mother didn't come. She went somewhere I"ve forgotten. But we felt torn and guilty and since my dad had not been a great dad or h, I understood mom's feelings of betrayal. However, we still wanted R's with our dad and he didn't insist on her absence then. But He did do that one year though, at Thanksgiving. I recall calling him to ask him to come over where we all were, and he wouldn't. He had set the table for the whole family, (like 15 people) and eaten alone. My sisters and I cried. So, one Christmas and one Thanksgiving wherein each parent staked out their territory and practically ruined both holidays for us.

Be at peace no matter what, in front of your daughters. They'll remember it someday, with gratitude. Or at least, you won't be planting horrible holiday memories like I just dragged up. Yikes. I'd forgotten those...

((( j )))