My DB coach recommended that I send H a "letter of release" - basically an email identifying the things I believe I did to contribute to the current state of our M. I sent this letter to him by email one week ago Sunday. The next day he emailed back. I got more info from him than I have heard in 16 months. He now recognizes that the blame should not all fall on me. Says he now realizes what a diffcult guy he is to live with. The rest of the email was all about how depressed he is (though he won't use that word and insists there is no help for him in therapy).
I asked if we could meet for a walk the following weekend and he agreed. This Saturday we met. He initiated a R talk saying he thinks he is not the marriage kind. I listened and validated. He said he likes his solitude and living alone and says he does not know how to ask a significant other or wife to tolerate that. I told him he just should ask and see what response he gets. I told him given my neediness and his attempts to meet my demands in the last few years, I could certainly see how he would like living alone. I said that I have always known him to be very independent and see now how he did not get much independence in our R these last few years.
I broke some DB rules by telling him I still have feelings for him. I asked him if he had any for me. He said he has, that he cares for me a lot and thinks I am among the most amazing people he knows.
I then said maybe we do not have to avoid each other so much. Maybe we can spend some time together without any labels on it or without any expectations, just to see how it goes. He said he thought that was fine. We are seeing a movie together on Christmas day. He has also agreed to take Tango lessons with me.
I said to him that I was sick of being afraid to hug or kiss him. He said he he was concerned about kissing because of the tendency to assign labels to people who kiss. (H has always had a big problem with labels, like BF/GF, because he thinks that then we let the roles define us instead of the other way around). I said if two people know there are no labels and a kiss or a hug is given because the person feels that way it is fine by me. He also said he has no desire for intimacy right now. He quickly added that that statement did not apply to me alone. He has no desire for intimacy period, from me or someone new (there is no OW). I said I respect that.
He had written a new song and wanted me to hear it. I listened to it and told him how beautiful it is. We then hugged goodbye and as I was pulling away, he kissed me. It was not passionate, but was affectionate and on the lips.
I am so confused. Is this part of the MLC dance? I know better than to have expectations but I cannot believe any of it happened.
I had been strictly LRT and now I am feeling unnerved. I would appreciate any advice thoughts at all.
