How to know when to let go PT2????

[sandi2]

Kristi sweetie, let's have a little talk here, okay? And please know that I am not scolding you, but it is b/c I can see your stitch from an outside viewpoint without the pain and emotion that you are going through.

But I am having a hard time getting how not talking, almost having to avoid completely in my circumstances, because I don't see him much and he doesn't live at home anymore, how that is going to help at all. I tend to see that as me accepting the D and making it all the more easier for him to live with his decision.

Maybe I misunderstood a post that you had sent before when you said you were ready to drop the rope. Anyway, what you are feeling is perfectly normal b/c you love this man and you are missing his "nearness" and you don't want to let go. It is normal to want to hold him very tight and not let go b/c the thought scares you to death. Do you remember the story about the little girl that wanted a partifular doll for Christmas. She was very poor, as I recall, and to shorten the story, she did get the doll. She loved it so much that she would never lay it aside or put it down. She never let it out of her sight for a second. One night as she was sleeping, she was cudding with the doll as she always did. The next morning when she work up, she discovered to her horror that the doll had melted beneath her body. The little girl had clung the the plastic doll until it could not hold up beneath her weight and body heat. So, that is a story of how if we hold the thing or people that we love too tightly, we will destroy them. That is a lot of what DB is all about. I am not trying to tell you that you will never be able to talk to your H again or have some type of relationship with him in the future.....what I am trying to tell you is what you need to be doing NOW. What you do today will determine what the future will be tomorrow. Yes, it is hard. It will be harder for several days to come.....but if you are persistent....then you will discover that it will get easier. That has been proven over and over again by people right her on this board that never thought they could get past a week without making contact with their S. This time of year is especially hard where M problems are concerned. We tend to place a lot of romance connected with Christmastime and of course everyone thinks about family get-toghethers, but it really has nothing to do with any of that. It is about the birth of Christ. We are the ones that have listen to Hollywood and watched their movies of Christmas "magic" and all the warm and fuzzy movies that make us feel good. I have even found myself hoping for a "Christmas miracle". Don't fall for that stuff. It doesn't work like that. But, the movies sure make it look good.

As far as not taling or ignoring your H......you just need to let him make the first move toward you. What I was trying to tell you is for YOU not to to pick that phone up first. Let him send an email to you, don't you email him first. Don't you send a TM first. That is what detachment is all about. If he is friendly and talks nice, then you can respond friendly.....IF you can do that without getting into a R talk. The problem is, most of the time, it will end up in a R talk and that is not good b/c it ends badly and more hurt and pain is caused. The other night was an exception and that does happen occassionaly, but very rarely. The difference in "dropping the rope" is when you just plain move on with your life and act as if it doesn't matter to you what he does with his. I am not sure you are at that point b/c you have to learn to detach first. Detaching and droping the rope are similar, but droping the rope is more severe in actions.

The less we do things together or have contact the easier it is for him to move on as well and not even think about what could/should be.

You see, that is your "fear" talking to you. If he is doing that, then it means he is detaching from you. But don't you see, the same thing will happen for you when you detach from him. You will be able to move on as well. The problem is that you don't want to and that is understandable.....but listen to me here, please.......YOU DO NOT HAVE TO "WANT" TO DETACH.....BUT YOU MUST DETACH IF THERE IS EVER A CHANCE TO DRAW HIM BACK TO YOU. That is the difference. He wants to detach....but,you don't want to b/c you are afraid of losing him. You have not trusted the DR pinciples and you just have been afraid to follow them in spite of all that people here have told you. The biggest reason for that is b/c you are allowing your heart to dictate to you what to do instead of what the book and what others tell you works. If you listen to your heart, you will lose b/c your heart is broken and it can't think. You don't think with your heart, you think with your brain and that is what one must use in times like this. That is not meant to be offensive, sweetheart, I am just trying to get my point across in my own poor way.

He will just continue to validate his reasons and go with it and wait this out until the papers are signed.

He has to do that in order to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. But, D is not always the end. It has been proven many times that couples often reunite after a D. But, the word divorce scares you. Don't let it.

And maybe I am just afraid that I will wake up and not want him anymore. I know that sounds weird, but maybe I am afraid that I will realize I have wasted too much time on somebody that I shouldn't have and that he was right all along.

Oh Kristi, don't feel that way, please. I know what you are saying.....I really do, b/c I felt a lot of that when I went through my crazy time of an EA. But, like the poem says, it is better to love and have lost, than never to have loved at all. Never feel that loving a person was a waste of your time. Ture, it may end up like you do not want it to, and you may wake up and not want him anymore....but don't let that scare you. Why would waking up and realizing that you did not want him scare you? Instead, see it as being set free and being able to finally move forward. I think that fear has you imprisoned and I am sitting here with tear running down my face b/c it hurts to see so many young women who have many, many years ahead of them to bind themselves in this state of being paralyzed.

I figured if we are going to get along then I should go with that and keep the good times coming.

Yes, I can see that and I would tend to be the same way b/c I am a "fixer". I think you are still wanting to "fix" whatever is wrong in the M. You see, you actually took a chance when you TM him, and it just happened to be the right timing so he didn't come back at you in an ugly response. If he had.....then you would be saying, "Sandi was right and I should never contact him again." But, since he happen to be in a good mood that one time....you cannot let go of that b/c it has your hopes geared up as high as they can get at the moment. But honey it is just a matter of time until he is going to pull the rug out from under you. But the magic word here is "time"....that is what he must have and even if he goes through with the D, who knows how much time he will need? The thing is this.....he may never change his mind regardless of how much time he has......now please listen to me on this point again.....THAT IS WHERE YOU WOULD WASTE YOUR LIFE by waiting on him to come back around. B/c you would need to move forward as if he was never going to be a part of your life again. Oh there will always be that connection b/c of the kids. There will be graduations, weddings, grandchildren being born....there will always be events that will bring you together. However, I have seen with my own eyes how D families can handle this and be civil to each other. I know right now you want more than being civil, but actually that is what he is doing. Can't you see that ((Kristi))? I apologize if that is painful to hear b/c I am not trying to see how much I can hurt you. But this statement you made here is what I hope you will stop:

So I figured if there are more postive moments then I would be "proving" him wrong.

That is the wrong mindset to have. It won't work, Kristi, it will push him farther away b/c you won't "prove" him wrong in his view point.

So I don't have my hopes up for anything.

I know that is what you are telling us, and maybe telling yourself, but your other words have just proven you wrong. It's okay b/c I understand that you are dealing with a broken heart. You are trying very hard. I know that.

We even talked about possibly going out to dinner tonight.

Well that might happen, but I think he was just trying to be nice....maybe b/c it is Christmastime and maybe b/c he feels guilty or even a little lonely. Just please don't get those hopes up or make more out of it than it is.

Just something small. I don't know if that means I should buy his mom something now too.

If you are close to your MIL, then you do what you want to about that. I would keep it small and sweet.....nothing elaborate. Especially, if you know that your MIL is not in favor or what he is wanting to do...then I would probably give her a small gift to show her I still cared about her. This is painful for her too, if she loves you and doesn't want to see a D.

I critized him working soooo much..(I knew work was import, but I did feel 2nd) so I guess the way I came across made him feel that I didn't support him. He just can not move past that and see why I felt the way I did. But oh well. I can't force the issue anymore.

Yeah, the "wife" came out in your didn't it? It is a hard habit to break. But, men and women see things differently and he does think you are being critical and it is not going to change him. Take it from a gal that has been married for 43 years, it does not change them to criticize them! They want admiration and support!

I didn't copy the quote you made about finding it so hard to not contact him and how nice it is when it doesn't lead to a R talk, but that it almost always does. Again, in a lot of ways, I think your heart is just in denial that this is really happening.

He decided this in a very emotional state and ever since he voiced it he HAS to prove it right. Even though he has mentioned several times he doesn't necessarily believe it is the right thing.

That is another argument of why he may have to actually go through with the D before he will change. If he has to prove he is right to save face (if nothing else) then you are right, there is nothing you can do to stop him.

We will continue to be here for you b/c we know this is a very painful time. As you read other threads, you will see how many others are going through the same thing as you are. It is heartbreaking. As I have said before, the more I am here the more I have decided that DB is about survival as much....if not more that busting a divorce. If you can't bust a divorce, you can certainly go to work on yourself a resolve to make the most out of each day of your life. Kristi, that is going to be my New Year's Resolution. I invite you to join me in doing the same thing. I know that my stitch is different from yours. I realize I am in a different stage of my life than you are, but all of us can do this resolution. To do make the very best of each day with what we have to work with. That might not be the best grammer in the world, but it gets the point across. Will you join me in making that New year's Resolution?

I am serious when I say that you and all "my girls" mean so much to me and every one of the posts that I read touches my heart in ways that you have no idea. I never saw myself as being a "mushy" person, but there are times that I want so badly to be able to reach through this computer and hold my girls and let them cry on my shoulder and tell them that they will get stronger and they will be fine with or without a H in their life. You will, sweetie, you will be fine. You have what it takes and we are going to help you in taking those first several baby steps. They are hard and you will fall down occassionaly, but that is why we are here to tell you to get back up and go get to walking again. Okay?

Love ya,
Sandi