Post Finale

[still hopeful]

Hello Jeff,

I am saddened to read your story. However, your stregnth of conviction is VERY encouraging and reminds me that I am not alone in my mission to turn 'things' around.

My XW, when we first split, would listen to her group of M cancer 'friends' who would support her in helf destructive decisions and pat her on the head for another 'good job.' Mind you, I did make my mistake, but XW's only real view of me was XW's one-sided account of anything and everything that happened between us.

But I digess, XW began our separation by telling me that divorce was not THAT big a deal to the children involved. I was pissed when I heard that line of BS, as I know it came from one of her M cancer friends and was just another pat on the head to XW to assure her that her decision to NOT work to reconcile was the best decision.

I told XW, I don't know which one of your idiot friends told you this line of BS, but EVERYTHING that I have read about the impact of D on children is that a D is a defining time in their lives that they will carry forward into adulthood. I assured XW that it was THAT BIG A DEAL for our children AND for her and I. The conversation didn't escalate into a fight. She figured that I was coming from a place of wanting to work on reconciling our M, and she was right. Sadly, she has continued to run from reality and keep herself buffered from stopping, thinking, and feeling anything with a string of BFs and circling her wagon train of 'friends' around her to keep ALL of the reality 'danger' out.

At this point, we are coming up on 3 years since we split, and 1.5 years of being D. I am very sad about the whole thing, and yet I still hold out hope that my wish and efforts to prepare the terrain for our eventual reconcile is in keeping with my belief that I am in line with bending my will to my God's will, and NOT the other way around.

I agree with you, my friend, that much of society has cheapened M, similar to the television portrayal you watched. M used to be about us. People used to fight for their M first. Now, many people fight for themselves first, and for the survival of their M, not at all. The media plays into this selfish siphoning of family/marital values and sells it as entertainment. My situation saddens me, but the deterioration of the moral fiber of society saddens me even more.

I know that I contributed to the demise of my M over time. However, one of the great things about being human is our ability to reflect on the 'wrongs' in our past behavior and conscious decisions to change and conscious efforts to make those decisions to change our reality.

Lastly, I know I cannot change XW; not her feelings, not her decisions to grow, not her wish to reconcile. Instead, I focus on changing me and I've come a long way to date. That's my gift to me and my children. I'm not perfect, but as Vince Lombardi once said, "Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."

I strive for perfection, knowing that excellence IS attainable.

Strength and honor, my friend.

Tom