Well I guess I am really going to need a good smack. I mean I read Sandi's post and it makes sense. It is hurtful because I really thought it was a step in a positive direction. I figured if we are going to get along then I should go with that and keep the good times coming. One reason is because my H keeps saying that the main reason we can not be together is because he doesn't feel we get along. So I figured if there are more postive moments then I would be "proving" him wrong.
I am on vacation this week and he called this morning and said he would stop by the house to take the kids to school so I could go back to sleep if I wanted to. I thought that was really nice. I said thank you very much. He also went to and got me tea at Dunkin Donuts and brought it back before he left for work. We talked a little, he is still set on the D. So I don't have my hopes up for anything. But it is really hard to not want to try and do things with him to show him that things REALLY are not as bad as he seems to think they are.
We even talked about possibly going out to dinner tonight. Our D has another dr appt and he is going to try and me here to take her. He wanted to let me know he was going to buy my mom a Christmas present and a card. Just something small. I don't know if that means I should buy his mom something now too.
I know he is just trying to be friendly. He wants to get along. He says he can't think of any good reasons to stay married, which I think is sad, because there are so many. But he is still stuck in such a neg state..I critized him working soooo much..(I knew work was import, but I did feel 2nd) so I guess the way I came across made him feel that I didn't support him. He just can not move past that and see why I felt the way I did. But oh well. I can't force the issue anymore.
It is really hard to not contact him. I enjoy talking with him when we are not fighting. And as long as we are not talking about the R he has always been open to talking with me. He normally answers all my calls or will call right back. It seems to be the R talks that cause all the frustration, and that is where I don't have a lot of control because we always get right back into that somehow, someway. I guess that is why it is hard to believe he really wants the D. I hear what he says. But I know my H pretty well. He is one stubborn guy. If he makes a decision, whether right or wrong he will stick to it by principal. I don't know where he learned this, and most of the time he does make good decisions, but when he is wrong, he has to do everything he can to prove himself right. I feel like this about the D. He decided this in a very emotional state and ever since he voiced it he HAS to prove it right. Even though he has mentioned several times he doesn't necessarily believe it is the right thing.
I know I should have more confidence in myself and think well if he cares more about a stupid decision and proving himself right over me then to hell with him. But because there are children involved and I really don't think he is thinking that clearly either I have a hard time not trying with every chance I get to prove him wrong.
I get the GAL and PMA and all that stuff for me. And I will continue that because it is making ME feel a lot better about myself. But I am having a hard time getting how not talking, almost having to avoid completely in my circumstances, because I don't see him much and he doesn't live at home anymore, how that is going to help at all. I tend to see that as me accepting the D and making it all the more easier for him to live with his decision. The less we do things together or have contact the easier it is for him to move on as well and not even think about what could/should be. He will just continue to validate his reasons and go with it and wait this out until the papers are signed.
And maybe I am just afraid that I will wake up and not want him anymore. I know that sounds weird, but maybe I am afraid that I will realize I have wasted too much time on somebody that I shouldn't have and that he was right all along.
