I was unfaithful

[Molly44]

I think i quit !

[Molly44]

All efforts to Db have not been responded to. Even the tiny baby step of making one call to me has not been met. I have carefully outlines the tiniest of goals and nothing.

This place has been an outstanding resource and is responsible for getting me through some of the toughest of days in my life. For those of you who did post and hit me with 2x 4 thank you.

I wanted more than anything to remain married but the energy required to keep hoping has become really exhausting. The littlest of hope and I would of kept fighting. But this has become a very lonely road and I dont think i am designed to be alone. Gosh I am crying for the first time in weeks. Cheers Jane

[SirPrizeMe]

JJ,
I take it you are thanking ME for hitting you with a 2x4? heh heh.

Sorry you are feeling down.
Let me tell you that ALL OF US, at one time or another, geel that way. We all have our moments. All of us.

I hear what you are saying about feeling lonely. I know that feeling. That's a biggee.

If it is too draining to keep on hoping, maybe the right thing is to drop the proverbial rope? It is one thing to labor on, hoping against hope, for reconciliation. It is another thing to live your life, and yet remain open to the possibility of reconciliation.

Some may say I am splitting hairs, but to me the difference is significant. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself, find bliss, re-invent yourself, draw on your inner strength to grow.

One day you will turn around and look, and you may yet miss him. or you may just remember him faintly. I know that may sound sad.

Either way, there is one path for you: forward!

[Sanderika]

Hello M...

You will quit when you are ready.

Your feelings right now are normal given the current situation.

I know first hand how hard this is to endure. I have been just where you are many times.

You seem to have expectations of H. You must learn to have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Last night I found an old thread from 2007 started by Happy Ending. He describes his thoughts and feelings and emotions while being the WAS. You may want to read it too. It is an eye opener, even though it is his emotional state of mind and everyone is different.

I found it while reading the threads from Mrs JJJ. She wrote a post in my thread. You can go there and click on her name to find it. I think you should it is full of valuable info.

Let me know what you think after you read it....

Sanderika

[Molly44]

No - not expectations but realizations that OW must be so fabulous that H no longer spends time with his own children. He went from exceptional father to nothing. A few hours here and there with them is sufficient for him now.

OW will be such an embarassment to my children. H does not realise that people will laugh behind his back at him when he starts being seen with her. ( it has happened ). They will be polite but they will be laughing at him.

My need to protect them by making some changes in our lives , now requires my attention. Thank you again. Jane

[Sanderika]

M....

It will happen as you have described. Like here...People were polite at first and tolerated OW because they liked H. Now, no one around here wants to spend time with him especially if she is around and it is because she finally became comfortable enough and confident to let her true colors show. She has pretty much told everyone off in one manner or another and no one is willing to put up with it.

My son wants nothing to do with either of them. That is sad for H but H needs to wake up to that fact alone. I would run into severe resistance if I tried to explain what he has done to this boy over the past 40 months. I think H will be ready to hear it someday but by the time it happens is when it can't be fixed.

Let the control over H relationship between him and the kids be between them. They will figure it out and you won't be the bad guy.

In the beginning here....H wouldn't have any contact with me or son. He treated us like we didn't exist. After a very long time this has changed. H now likes us and is comfortable in our home. H isn't ready to leave OW though. He may never, I do not have the answer.

I am protecting my son by not letting him be around H if she is around. H has also never asked for son to meet her and it has been a very long time. I don't see H bringing it up now. OW has made very loud comment amongst friends to the fact. It is none of her business the way I see it. She has no rights to meet my kid. He is my kid. I will protect him at whatever cost.
If H wants her in his life it doesn't mean me and son want her in ours. We want zero contact and it won't change.

I have a huge passion on this subject.....

Sanderika

[Molly44]

Another reason I will not fight anymore is that H was not raised to be the father he has become.

H has brothers who are the most caring and supportive parents in the world. They pick up their wives slack in this area. H even has an ummarried brother who is a very good uncle and would of without a doubt been a good father. Not a single person who knows both H and his family would recognise who H has become. One of Hs brothers has asked the kids a few questions and asked that they use him and he has offered his services to me in help with them. He says he is watching carefully. At least that is something i guess.


Hs father who passed away this year would be horrified with out a doubt. He was a tough dad but a loving dad and came to his kids rescue many times. Even a few years back he got out of his bed at midnight to drive to help us with a flat tyre on a boat trailer. He was sick and minded our business so we could go away on holiday. Trillions of supportive things.He was always at the end of th phone. I cant imagine what he is thinking when he watches H from above. There was a memorial service for his Dad this week. He did not go and from i understand he did not let the kids know that there was a service for their grandad. Disgusting.

H cannot even be available by phone to his kids. He does not even tell them that he not contactable. They say it is like he does not care about them. Breaks my heart.

This is the behaviour of someone who is otherwise occupied with their own joy. I recognise it myself. It is disgusting. Well it is not who he was meant to be and without a doubt he will sit up and look around one day and scratch his head and wonder what went wrong. Then i think he will feel real pain.

[karen43]

This so much sounds like your H is in the middle of MLC. Have you read all the posts on that in the MLC forum? I love the stages info (is it 6 or 7 not sure)? I think if you really LRT and focus on yourself and the kids if your H ever gets out of MLC you could leave yourself open to reconciling in the future or not depending on where you are. But just living a really good life now, not waiting to see whether your H will emerge from the MLC fog or whatever... Karen

[Sanderika]

M this describes many men who walk away and/or are suffering in a MLC. You actually have described my H very well.

I have friends who have been more supportive of son and I than H has been over the past ordeal. It was only recently that H has shown a caring side of himself towards us. I think it is happening in baby steps. I think it is because I do not treat H bad or in an outcast manner.

I also think that it scares the he*l out of H when he is nice to us and starts to show a softer side to me. It seems that he is still in a pattern where he is nice and then he bolts for 10-14 days +/-. I believe it is more of a MLC behavior rather than a normal WAS behavior.

I would like to tell you to give H time and space....I think you are giving up. If you decide that is right for you then that is what you should do. If you are truly ready then it is the right decision and you will heal from this fairly quickly. Keep in mind any negative actions and decisions H inflicts in regards to attention and courtesy towards you all will always hurt no matter where you are in your life. Please be prepared as that is very likely going to be the case. OR at least until H is ready to come out of this funk.

Please take care.....

Sanderika

[mamanpc]

Mof3, your description of H reflects a bit how i was behaving when i was the WAS (in MLC too, very probably) - i wanted to be free of my responsibilities as a parent, i was 'tired' of being a mom, despite the fact that H helped me A LOT, it wasn't like i was the poor mom shouldering all the responsibility, quite hte oopposite in fact, H was helping out a lot, being the true 'new man', helping around the house, etc.

In retrospect i think that i wish he had put his foot down and told me to stop behaving the way i was - instead he was so afraid i would leave that he was more and more submissive and helping around the house and giving me all this space... when in fact i wanted him to set limits and force me to face up to my responsibilities. But neither he nor i were able to communicate how we were feeling, we were afraid of the consequences i think. And there they are anyway, what a shame that i (nor he) had the courage to speak up and say 'what's wrong wtih this picture?'
Bon courage M, we all need to spend a peaceful holiday surrounded by the people who are able to care about us at this time.
Mamanpc