WAW - Possible MLC I need help, WAWs advice III

[25yearsmlc]

Lonelyd

When facing questions about what to do with WAS, about letting my h "face up to the costs of his choices...etc." My DB coach told me to "Let LIFE give the WAS/MLCer the consequences of their choices, not you. It's not your job to show them the consequences", much as you want to. She was right in my sitch and our case, but the fact is, some part of you is torn towards a variety of behaviors, one example being the cancelling of her health insurance either 1) to punish, and or 2) because you believe she deserves it, which is =1) TO PUNISH...same thing as saying "face the consequences of her choices" --- just semantics.

And as AmyC suggests, health insurance is different than other "benefits" as it literally can mean the diff between life and death. It also is illegal to do in some states, and no state's citizens want to get stuck with some big health care bill just b/c you wanted to show her a thing or two only to have her get very sick and then WE tax payers get to care for her....I mean, that's an angle to this to consider as well.

And you damn well better know two things before you decide to do it: what your real goal is and how it'll be furthered -- I mean, do you think taking her off the insurance will make her wake up and see you in a better light? It won't. It'll make her better able to justify leaving you, as this will be yet more "evidence" of what a jerk you are, sorry to say and, 2) how it'll look in court. If it isnt' legal, you're screwed and she might be too, if she gets sick. How will your family see that? Who would actually bear the burden of her care if you arent' there and no insurance is? Trust me, it won't be OM, so it will be the kids, or your in laws? Again, what will they think of YOU in that scenario? Also, consider this. In most states, you are liable for your spouses debts as long as you are M. (I'm a L but am not licensed in Ca and don't know your state and am not giving legal advice, BUT...) So, you could have a sick w and get huge medical bills for which you are legally responsible and then, wouldn't it totally suck to have NO insurance b/c you wanted to teach HER a lesson and have HER face the consequences??

Either way, you won't come out smelling like a rose. And when the D is done and final, THEN she'll have to find it on her own, and or as part of the D settlement. THEN it'll count towards your contributions/child support/alimony or whatever happens in your state.

As for paying for her insurance so she can get depo/birth control - so she can fool around....hey, that is really gross and unfair. I get how bothered that would make any man, I really do understand that. But you are also assuming/ thinking the worst, b/c maybe another medical reality is she can't sleep well, or has an ulcer, or whatever. Why read the worst scenario into it?

Regardless, assuming you are correct about her medical needs these days and it's all about sex with OM and not getting pregnant--well geez, the alternative is her getting pregnant from this goon...how's that better? Umm, all things considered, I say thank GOD she's thinking enough to stay UNpregnant and, interestingly...she does NOT want to take a chance on having THAT guy's kid... I can think of worse scenarios.

Look, there are such things as healthy boundaries and what you are really struggling with is knowing the diff between setting and enforcing those well set boundaries, and being punitive. No one wants to be a doormat. So, as AmyC says, search your heart. I had similar issues about affection and warmth and just PMA issues as to how to act around H when he visited. Why give him the benefits of M when he was free to come and go as he wanted, while he pursued his "dream job" and MLC? I mean, I get your dilemma. And there is a shifting blurry line, okay? But, search your heart and see if you are trying to "teach" something to the W, b/c if you are, that really is a form of punishing, just nicely dressed up if you know what I mean. Same with saying things like "it's only fair that she X..." b/c again, it often is another way of saying "I'll show her" and it's something to watch for inside all of us.
My DB coach said a lot of really helpful things for my sitch. One that stuck out was about the whole PMA and affection, ML, etc. She said to do what felt true and natural and not anything I'd feel humiliated or used by later on...a good point to be sure. But also, to note that there is a CONTRAST between a warm home, with loving people who understand and accept you with the best things that familiarity offers, including laughing and touching and history--knowing the stories, the family members involved, and geunine love being shown...AND the "outside" world of the MLCer. Sure, there is excitement out there. The UNfamiliar is interesting and even exciting, but it's not all good. Just as familiarity has its' good side, the completely new is also uncomfortable at times, frightening, intimidating, off putting, and sometimes it's way off. I had a moment of that 2 years ago, while sep. A guy who had been kind but was totally not attractive to me, kissed me on the cheek -- I thought. But no, not on the cheek. ON the FACE, as in the WHOLE dang face, (wth?? geez, NOT good!) and rather than hijacking this thread, trust me when I say, I never missed my h more than at that moment. The "kiss" of the new guy, was literally horrifying to me and if I could, I'd have run back full speed into h's arms. The guy later called to apologize "for mauling" me, literally those were his words so I'm not exaggerating. God only knows what that guy's ex W went through before, and that's just based on his "kissing/sucking/licking" thing, but I digress... I don't know what my h did when we were sep, though he claims nothing and sometimes I believe him mainly due to the hours his new job demanded and the type of work (medicine). Plus, I won't snoop. But I also know even if he strayed, well...if it'd been that good, we wouldn't be together now. So Don't read into your w's new experiences all wonderful adventures and thrills and multi-orgasmic times. There are bound to be shortcomings in the OM that you do not have. Stories and inside jokes he cannot possibly know. Things you know she dislikes, which he does not know yet. He will be "wrong" about something. He's human. And you have some traits, SOME good things in you that OM does not. Like for instance, you wouldn't date a M woman, would you? Gee, there's one positive trait already, and I don't even know you well....

You also have to trust that Life will give them the consequences of their choices. When WE, the LBSers try to do it instead of trusting that ultimately they will miss us, or what we could have had, WE lose. Indeed, we often force the WAS to shut out the inner voices they have within, the voice of a conscience that might ask them what the hell they're doing to you or their family, but instead, they're spending time and energy defending themselves against your comments or insinuations. I feel for you. It's hard to know the right path.
In case you don't know my sitch, and it's always a little dynamic, I'm in "piecing" and I'd say in my h's eyes, we're through piecing and fully intact maritally.

To summarize my view: I still have deep wounds and fears, but we are M. And it wasn't easy or expected, and as AmyC and others who've been around for awhile know, it was not a good sitch and it was very confusing. I believed it was over and doomed, and so did our older kids. 18 months ago I would have given our chances for being M today, about 10%. I went to counselors and therapists and chaplains, and tried lots of things. Sometimes h went too, but if he didn't like the answers, he stopped or ignored what they said. I just could not reach him. Life did though. Things happened beyond my control and they changed him. If I had punished him as I believed he deserved, we'd be D and even if we somehow end up divorced someday down the road, our d11 and older kids are better off for the effort they've seen and the lengthier marriage. ANd that's if things don't end up working out. Right now, it looks pretty good and I'm scared, but hopeful.

Looking back, If I could only do ONE thing and not all the rest, I'd do the DB coaching sessions. They helped the most specifically. Very valuable words and Hence, my passing her words on to you.
Good luck, sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.

(( j- ))