This is the first time I feel like she may be seeing someone. If it is truly 'just a friend' it is still inappropriate and I feel cheated on. I feel a whole lot of anger, which is normal obviously. If we did not have a precious little girl whose family is about to be destroyed, I would let her go her own stupid way.
We still have a shared password to our bankaccounts and I can see how she is spending her money. She went to a 'venue' for college age kids recently. Saw the pics they post online of the patrons and they are all college age.
I don't understand why my 32 yo wife wants to hang in place for college age kids. Unless of course her new 'friend' is around that age. Also, I'm beginning to think this has a large element of MLC to it.
She had a major crisis when she turned 30 and had to go out with her grad student friends (I came too)to several bars with a 20ish crowd. That night was a mess, she got sloppy drunk, could not stop. I scooped her up and put her in the car.
And I had planned a nice dinner, sidewalk cafe style dining, but she scorned that....thats for old people.....
If she is seeing someone, should I move over to the infidelity section, or just back to seperated? I don't think we are headed to piecing just yet.
Last edited by native; 12/22/0801:18 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Thanks Doc, its been a tough 24 hrs. I really had a hard time with the thought of her out shopping with some guy. I hate to say it, but I stayed up drinking whisky and killing Germans (Meday of Honor - Frontline)to cope with the thought.
I just don't get why she cant give this an authentic chance to turn around..... seems like when we had enought information to make some progress, it was too late to do anything about it.....
She said she has been unhappy for years.....but I thought that was her normal state of mind, not something related to our relationship. She was somewhat depressed when we met, but we spent a lot of time doing fun stuff together and we built a deep freindship, which developed into seeing each other exclusively, etc...
Last edited by native; 12/22/0802:26 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Hi native, Like many of the WAS, I think they are trying to find their happiness & don't know where it lies. If she was depressed when you met & then you had fun times together .... she gave you control of her own happiness. That is my H too. Be the best you can be to help her see, YOU are not the source of all her problems. Maybe, only some .... a few ....
All I can say is patience man .... and keep that PMA. Don't let her control YOUR happiness, break free.
BTW - if you or Dr Love have time - I would appreciate a mans perspective on my thread.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
If she was depressed when you met & then you had fun times together .... she gave you control of her own happiness.
Perhaps the best interpretation of what happened yet.
D
Quote:
on't let her control YOUR happiness, break free.
I know, I know.....I did my best to put on my happy face when I went to drop off my D. The best I could manage was more or less neutral. She was snappy though. She got upset that I didn't call first since I was bringing some of her stuff over.
It was funny, since I did feel a bit detached. I didn't react to her bad attitude, but remained even and calm....
I was dressed nicely and indicated I had somewhere to go. Talked her through a issue (in her head) re: my mom.
B4 I left, she apologised for being snappy.
I would be happy to read your thread and give you feedback. I will try to find it by going to your posts. May not write anything tonight though, I'm tired and getting ready for bed.
Last edited by native; 12/22/0805:58 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
The WAS continues to waffle....very intense holiday season.
She tends have unspoken expectations, then when she is dissapointed in the results, goes on the attack.
Christmas morning she said she would be here at the house to fill D's stockng at 6:30. It was 7 and I woke up, realized she had not arrived yet, so I called her 3x....finally woke her up.
She had clearly overslept so I asked if she was coming, since D might wake up to find empty stocking and few presents..
She finally arrived and called from outside the house wanting help....I said I was not dressed and intended to stay in bed as long as possible. (I'm not lazy....I had spent the last few days cooking Christmas Eve dinner for my family - she did not attend- and was up till 2 am cleaning the house for the Christmas morning gathering...)
Anyway, I had never indicated to her, nor her to me, that I was going to be up and downstairs b4 the kid woke up.
So then she calls and in a very bitchy tone asks where are the coffee filters. I came down at that time and we had a bit of a confrontation. She's mad of course....
Really, I think she is upset because she expected my help....generally in our marriage, I had done most or all of the 'heavy lifting'. Perhaps too, she was expecting me to be there to share some sort of 'closeness' on this special morning.
Besides being tired however, I feel she shouldn't continue to expect me to be available whenever she wants me, on her time table.
Anyway, D walks in while we are argueing.....I am letting W know why her unspoken expectations and presumptions are what is bothering her, not me...we transition into Christmas morning mode.
Later, during the morning's celebrations, I see W shoot me a couple of very warm smiles, like she used to. She opens her gift from me, a beautiful black onyx necklace, and she loves it, puts it on, and comes over to give me a hug.
Fast forward to this morning. I had decided not to go to her family's Christmas celebration but she specifically invited me twice. So I said I would come.
Again, she got bent out of shape because of unspoken expectations.
We had planned to drive to Raleigh seperately, her with her mom (bc her mom doesn't like to drive in bad weather) and me with my D. Then, last minute, she changes the plans slightly and wants to pick us up on the way to her mom's house. This puts D and I in a rush. W arrives, slightly later than she promises, is in a fluster about being late, starts to complain about what I haven't done, yada yada....
This continues in the 10 min. car trip to her moms.
But unlike ususal, I am addressing her faulty expectations. And I am expressing clearly what I will and will not accept from her in regards to her accusations, being a scapegoat for her unhappiness, lecturing, etc. We reach a bit of a stalemate. By the time we reach her M's, I have decided not to go...
I step inside to cool off a bit and try to figure how to wrap this up.
I step outside and tell her that essentially, we both have faults, but that the things that I like about her outweigh the things I don't....
This leaves her a little speachless....
She invites me again.
I decide to go, drive seperately and I had a great time with all her family, getting several private sympathy sessions from friends and family there.
W and I don't spend a lot of time together during the celebration, but we do drive home together and the tone was completely different. She is asking me about my work and is treating me respectfully.
So, what I am seeing is that when I hold my ground, don't back down, call her shots, the monster in her kind of goes away..
When it is clear I am willing to cut ties and go my own way, it changes her attitude.....
What this will mean for tomorrow, I don't know....
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
W went to beach with d. She's staying with a work collegue who I am on the 'outs' with. I unwisely complained about my W's PMS to her at her son's b'day party and got tattled on.
Of course this was before the bomb and likely one thing that helped lead up to it.
I wished her a good vacation. I truly hope she does have a good one. I hope she misses me.
I think the main thing that holds her back is the belief that I can't love her in the way she needs to be loved (romantically, sexually).
For those not familiar, W has PSTD due to rape and has said that ideally we would not have had sex for 6 mos. after marriage, in order for her to 'warm up'......
Any thoughts ?
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
