Sorry to hijack your thread, but I just had to comment on techguy's post. I D'ed in Sept. Long story short, XW kept giving confusing signals, which only served to upset me. At the advice of others (which I think was good advice), I told her I needed space for awhile. If we were to be friends, that connection would still be there in 6 months. Otherwise, it wouldn't be. But for my own sanity I needed to reach a place where I wasn't reacting to what she did or didn't do, even if that meant I'd lose the chance of winning back the person I loved most in the world. Because even though I loved her, she'd decided she didn't love me and our R wasn't worth the effort to repair. So there it was. I said goodbye to her when we left the courtroom.
At the same time, I decided I needed a break from the boards. I still communicate with a few people off board, but I haven't been back on here very much.
Something made me check today and the first thing I read was techguy's post. It gave me pause. Well, about 30 minutes later, there was a knock - XW was at the door. She'd brought a present. I invited her in and asked her if she'd like to chat. Now, granted, this is what I always did - smooth over the awkward situations because she never was able to. But techguy's post really stuck in my head and I felt like I just needed to ignore the past year and treat her like a friend. She was nice, but was on the verge of tearing up at the end of our conversation so I thanked her and stood, letting her know it was time to go. She left. The card she'd written said she thought of me and very much wanted to be friends.
I don't know what I want. I'd like friendship, but to be honest, that's because I want to be with my XW. I know that to REALLY have a friendship, I have to give up the thought of being with her. Otherwise I'll just get hurt. She clearly thinks of me and I can't help but think that at some point she'll see that we have a deeper connection than she was giving credit for. She'll never have that with OM - they may already be a done deal. But after all the turmoil, anything that happened between her and I would have to be entirely new, and that means letting go of everything in the past, including the way I think of and care for her.
In any case, I wanted to thank techguy for his timely post. He's right about many things - the mask of PMA hiding the pain, that's good. And I wanted to give you a story to let you know you aren't alone.
have a good holiday - lodo
PS - I used to be in utah too, but probably a long way from where you are. I miss it.
