I wouldn't try to project a mean-spirit onto your wife. You are divorced. She still enjoys your company, as a friend. Nothing wrong with that.
She doesn't know the pain it causes you. You are hiding the pain behind a mask of PMA. Near as she can tell you enjoy spending time with her too.
On the condo thing... I know personally how these things can hurt. You have a goal to remarry and want your relationship to march towards that goal. Comments like this represent a regression and hurt.
Just remember, this hurt is something that you are choosing to create. And, honestly, your wife probably doesn't even imagine you are experiencing. In her mind, you are divorced which naturally entails that you would both be preparing for a life apart. That is very reasonable on her part.
Seems like you have three choices:
1. Too much pain... Stop being friends and move on 2. Keep being true friends and start dating for new R's 3. Keep being friends and stay celebate in hopes of cultivating a future R with W.
An ability to 'detach' will minimize the pain and help you have the strength to follow path #3, if you choose. That is why we all work on detachment so hard.
I'm not sure the letter is in your best interests. You are divorced. Wife could easily see your letter as irrational. Why write a letter 'releasing' her when your already divorced? She would most likely see it as pursuit and kind of crazy. It could make you look desperate and weak.
However, I <would> recommend that you write the letter. Just don't send it! The act of writing the letter could very much help you to detach.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Sorry to hijack your thread, but I just had to comment on techguy's post. I D'ed in Sept. Long story short, XW kept giving confusing signals, which only served to upset me. At the advice of others (which I think was good advice), I told her I needed space for awhile. If we were to be friends, that connection would still be there in 6 months. Otherwise, it wouldn't be. But for my own sanity I needed to reach a place where I wasn't reacting to what she did or didn't do, even if that meant I'd lose the chance of winning back the person I loved most in the world. Because even though I loved her, she'd decided she didn't love me and our R wasn't worth the effort to repair. So there it was. I said goodbye to her when we left the courtroom.
At the same time, I decided I needed a break from the boards. I still communicate with a few people off board, but I haven't been back on here very much.
Something made me check today and the first thing I read was techguy's post. It gave me pause. Well, about 30 minutes later, there was a knock - XW was at the door. She'd brought a present. I invited her in and asked her if she'd like to chat. Now, granted, this is what I always did - smooth over the awkward situations because she never was able to. But techguy's post really stuck in my head and I felt like I just needed to ignore the past year and treat her like a friend. She was nice, but was on the verge of tearing up at the end of our conversation so I thanked her and stood, letting her know it was time to go. She left. The card she'd written said she thought of me and very much wanted to be friends.
I don't know what I want. I'd like friendship, but to be honest, that's because I want to be with my XW. I know that to REALLY have a friendship, I have to give up the thought of being with her. Otherwise I'll just get hurt. She clearly thinks of me and I can't help but think that at some point she'll see that we have a deeper connection than she was giving credit for. She'll never have that with OM - they may already be a done deal. But after all the turmoil, anything that happened between her and I would have to be entirely new, and that means letting go of everything in the past, including the way I think of and care for her.
In any case, I wanted to thank techguy for his timely post. He's right about many things - the mask of PMA hiding the pain, that's good. And I wanted to give you a story to let you know you aren't alone.
have a good holiday - lodo
PS - I used to be in utah too, but probably a long way from where you are. I miss it.
Tech. Thanks as always for your input. Seems to always put me back on track. Lodo. Thank you so much for posting. I admire where you are in your life as that is where I need to be. Loving 100% without expectations. Can only dream of that at this point, working on getting there though. Unconditional friendship seems so distant to me now, but how much stronger we can be when we get there. Today was much better, seems to be when I am work. Always have things to keep my mind off R. I have resigned myself to not making any contact at all until I hear from X. WE have no "date nights" planned this week due to work schedules and Christmas. Able to get away a bit as I have plans for myself a couple days this week. As for dating. I have gone out on a few dates. X knows about them and when I do go out seems she makes contact with me that day or during the date. Hmmmm? Finding that I am very closed still but that has been nice, to go out with gals that I only want to hang out with, no more. Its so fun when there is no pressure to impress or try to 'get in their pants'. Maybe this is a lesson I needed to learn, part of learning to accept a person without expectations. This will by far be the hardest thing when it comes to X. I look forward to the day I can say I truly have no expectations from/of her. I am using these dates to practice what I have learned through coaching, reading etc. as far as communication, listening and just plain having fun. All of this is helping raise my feeling of self worth. That part of me has been beyond down since this all started. So many lessons to learn, so many that pass by without notice. Seems the more you learn the more you find that you need to learn much much more. Ok I'm rambling so better get to bed. Thanks B
Just catching up on your situation and checking in with you. (I changed my name but you know me, I have been posting to you since Techguy intorduced me).
I am sorry you have been struggling with your feelings. It is really hard to do this, I know.
From what I see, you are making good progress with yourself, so please keep it up.
Not sure how I should feel today. Didn't hear from X at all yesterday. No txt, no call to wish me Merry Christmas. I did txt her to wish her one. I am wondering if I should take this as a sign that this is really over or if I am reading into things too much, again. I am at across roads like Tech says. Time to figure which way to travel. B
V. Thanks for saying hi. Spent all day today doing things for me. Great GAL day. Still have not heard form X since Monday. Longest time that we have not been in contact. Other than txt'n her on Christmas I have not tried to contact her. So many things run through your mind. Oh well. I can only worry about me at this point. B
