Cleaning out Clutter - ? For Men

[MsMelancoly]

My journal for today, some news so not a typical day for me.

My H actually called today to see if dinner was still on, since it was a terrible cold & windy day. I said yes & he said he would call before he left. Which he did. (I'm very surprised he didn't cancel on me).

I went to get take out & arrived back home just before he arrived. I decided to wear kinda tight, but comfy pants, my fancy b-ra & a tight sweater. A little eye candy for the old man! I also had plenty of opportunies to bend over & show my stuff Yes, I know my H & what turns him on!

I made us each a dirty martini & we chatted about his job, friends, family & the fur-kids and joked a bit too about other things too. WE talked about his friend, Bob (who has a DWI, is the owners son & my H takes him to work every day & sees Bob as his job security). I said that Bob won't have a license for another 3 years, so I guess you will be driving him around for the next 3 years. I asked my H jokingly if he wanted my wedding ring to give to Bob? My H said no. All in all, it was very light & friendly. He's afraid about going to Malasia next month & said he would probably be emailing me a lot when he's there, because he will have no one else to speak english too. LOL (We will see). I said I would be afraid too going there. My H had the older dog on his lap, much of the time. When he went to put her down he said sorry S but dad has to put you down. How strange is that. Guess, I didn't think he thought of himself as a dad to our furkids anymore - I don't. Well, then we played some pirate dice & joked around some more. It was very fun & light hearted, pretty much like old times. (He won the dice game - usually I win).

Then we ate & chatted some more. I showed him my new used computer & my new TV & a video I bought for him last year. He said maybe we can watch the video when he gets back. I told him I was thinking about getting a cell phone. Yes, there is someone in this world - ME - who doesn't own a cell phone. He said he wishes I would because he worries about me. I said you worry about me - really? He said yes & I should really get one before my 3 hour drive to my parents for xmas.

After dinner I asked him about the D papers. He said he would have to go to court to try & get them reinstated. He said, that I didn't have to go & that he would do it on his own. I asked him if this is what he really wanted? He said he didn't know and was unsure about getting D. His body language also showed that he wasn't sure D is what he wants. He said that while he's in Malasia he will have a lot of time to think & to make a decision. I told him that I was willing to try, but I am also ready to drop the rope, if that's what you really want. Again, he stated that we could work on our R or friendship after D. I told him that if we were friends, it would be very difficult for me to see him w/another woman. He said that wasn't likely to happen. He also said (not blaming me) but he could never be with another woman, because he is diseased. (WE both are & I gave him the STD, that he knew I had). He is so self consious, that I do believe him. It would be difficult for him to tell anyone. WE chatted a bit more, I told him all I've been trying to do was to be his friend. Well, then it was time for him to go. WE gave each other 2 nice hugs & 2 kisses. I told him I loved him & that I know he loves me, but that he cant' tell me that. (He gave me this look - of yes you are right, I cannot tell you). I told him to take care & drive safe. He thanked me for dinner & the nice evening. He was out the door & forgot his left overs, so I reminded him. Then I asked if he had he key to the house, he said no, why? I said I can get it later after he decides.

Ah, so what do I think??? HHmmm, I think there is hope, since he is still unsure about the D. I wish that the R & D talk would have not been at the end of our time together. I wanted him to leave on a fun & happy note. But the R & D talk was not that long or intense. In some ways I wish I would have not said I was willing to try or about the key. ....... Just don't know.... Wish I could have been more business like - like JCJ. Oh well.

All in all - I think it went good. The seed of doubt is still within him. I think it would be difficult for him to see me with another man as well. Well, that is all, we will see if he contacts me. My life, this limbo ... to be continued ........