Cleaning out Clutter - ? For Men

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Mrs M...I dont know what to say! That is so wierd.. he wants yuo to meet him there on the 23rd.. isnt taht like, practically Christmas !??? And he is happy to come to dinner?? Wow! Did you think, why didnt I ask him before! I sort of cant believe he said yes, can you? So strange.

As for your past, that sounds like my ex's Dad.. his Mum had an A when he was 8 with the dads best mate.. and his Dad never recovered, he never had another R and was single for 20+ years and depressed. He had his mates and went to the pub every night, but it was a sad existence. I guess it really affected him.

Are you saying then that after your upbringing, he is not the man for you, emotionally, but that you wish it were different? How you feeling about him proceeding with the D?

Al xxx

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Ali, Well, the last time I asked him to dinner, he said sounds good. Then the next day, he went & filed for D & never got back to me about dinner. I looked at the online court records to find out he filed. He's a people pleaser - he will say yes & then not follow through - unless he really wants to.

No, about my parents - I'm saying I've acquired from them a strange sense of loyalty. I fell in love w/my H the 1st time I saw him in 95 (he was M then - so off limits for me), we dated in 2000 (after he was D) & he left/ran away & then in 2002 we became best friends. So you might say I've been waiting for him since 2000. I thought he has grown up. He did not.

What I'm saying is I should probably drop the rope & left him go. I don't want to - but emotionally, how we handle things communicate - it's just not good for me. Ya know what I'm saying?

How do I feel about D?? Well I'm torn and afraid. I want my life back, my freedom - but I want my H to enjoy that w/me.

[MsMelancoly]

Strange but after my last coaching session, back in Oct. Jody said that after we were D - my H might feel comfortable enough (a safe distance away) to be friends with me. Could be true.

In Sept. when my H & I talked about our R & D - he aksed if we could work on our M or R after we D.

Warped minds ........ do do .... twighlight zone.....

[happysomeday]

MsM

I haven't written any in the forum for a while. When I read your thread, I felt compassionate with you and wanted to let you know that you are a very strong woman and loving person. And I feel very sorry for your Dad who couldn't forgive your mom.

I do now believe that everything can restore and get healed if you do follow right way. I'm not saying that I'm completely healed. I can feel your saddness of letting go of your H. I'm truly sorry. However, I do believe you will find new love if it let happen.

Is it ok praying for you?
Dear Lord, please heal this woman's broken heart and put them together and make it new and more beatiful so that it can hold and emit new love to a special person and the world. Amen!

[JCJ]

(((Ms M)))

Do you know I was thinking what I would do in your sitch and if my h asked for my help with the d and I had made it clear it was up to him and that I was not having any part other than signing the papers. I would probably turn round and say something like you have faith that he is fully capable of sorting out all the paper work. I personally would put it back onto him. Jmo - you know him better than me and I am probably thinking more of my h.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi happysomeday, Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the compliments & support. I'm not religious - yet thanks for the prayer.

((Julia)) - Thanks for your opinion, it is appreciated. I'm not surprised by all of this. I was always the one giving my H advise on things & taking care of things like this.

How Ironic though. He wants & needs my help to D me - but yet - did not want nor showed any need to work on our M with me. So now we are supposed to work as a team to do this D - when we could not work as a team for our M!! LOL

[MsMelancoly]

Julia, Your suggestion is definately the DB way. Guess I need to think about what is my goal??? I do want this to be his decision, his lead not mine. I want him to say in court the M, cannot be repaired. I want my name back & the curse of his last name gone. I want to show him we can work together.

Maybe after we D he will finally realize that all his problems are still there. They didn't go away because he D'd me. What do ya think?

[JCJ]

Ms M, sorry for not replying sooner. His lead, his responsibility imo. You need to let him know that you think him capable and also for him to find out what the world is like without your help.

Even if he says that in court will you accept it then? Is that what you need for acceptance? You can work together on things but not the divorce papers if it isn't truly what you want. Don't be obstructive but you don't have to actively participate - act as if you are sure he is perfectly capable/ have faith in him handling it.

The whole 'will they realise after you get a divorced'... I don't know, it is a difficult one as do you think that he still blames you for stuff? If so you could leave him alone as I have done with my h but and I really don't think he blames me either, he just hasn't found the way back either because he doesn't want it or is not capable yet. Unfortunately I think it is the old saying time will tell.

People say that once you let go they come running back... but does that mean divorce? It is difficult, can you let go without helping him with the divorce. What do you want - identify what you are angry about and then put it to one side or let it go, that will allow you to see more clearly as you won't be blinded by anger.

I can see you are torn, I'm right there with you Ms M!

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Julia, Again, as always thanx for stopping by. I totally understand your point about not helping with D papers. Really, I do want him to do it on his own. Thing is, is when I found out that the the D was canceled (unless he can get it reinstated) I thought oh sh*t - now I have to file for D.

I would rather go along w/his D papers. Then atleast I can say, I didn't abandoned him, I didn't want the D, this was his choice in what he really wanted. Why stall on D papers - if in a month, I will file. All he has is debt. We never had any joint accounts. I have a house that is totally paid for, stocks from childhood, retirement plan & some savings. The longer we stay M the more risk for me. That is NOT what is best for me. I do love him - but enough is enough. Even if he came back there are no guarentees he will not run again in 2 years. Strange, but I always thought of M as a piece of paper & that's what it is. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Does my H blame me?? I don't think so anymore. I think that he is riddled with the guilt of lies he has told me, hurting me, possible affiar. And the fear of facing all these. If he comes back to me - he has to face all of that. It would probably have been easier for him to come back - if I would have leveled the playing field & done the same to him. (That's what his 1st W did & he tried to get her back).

I'm not angry at him - really I feel sad for him. Sad that this is the only way he sees. Sad that he cannot find another way & face his fears.

Sometimes, what you "want" & "what is best for you" are not the same. Sometimes, you cannot control what you "want" - but you can control "what is best for you". Make any sense? For me, really, I'm detached & love him enough to drop the rope with him & let him drop the rope with me. My emotions are not carved in stone - so I'm sure I will waiver & have doubts & maybe he will too.

[MsMelancoly]

My journal for today, some news so not a typical day for me.

My H actually called today to see if dinner was still on, since it was a terrible cold & windy day. I said yes & he said he would call before he left. Which he did. (I'm very surprised he didn't cancel on me).

I went to get take out & arrived back home just before he arrived. I decided to wear kinda tight, but comfy pants, my fancy b-ra & a tight sweater. A little eye candy for the old man! I also had plenty of opportunies to bend over & show my stuff Yes, I know my H & what turns him on!

I made us each a dirty martini & we chatted about his job, friends, family & the fur-kids and joked a bit too about other things too. WE talked about his friend, Bob (who has a DWI, is the owners son & my H takes him to work every day & sees Bob as his job security). I said that Bob won't have a license for another 3 years, so I guess you will be driving him around for the next 3 years. I asked my H jokingly if he wanted my wedding ring to give to Bob? My H said no. All in all, it was very light & friendly. He's afraid about going to Malasia next month & said he would probably be emailing me a lot when he's there, because he will have no one else to speak english too. LOL (We will see). I said I would be afraid too going there. My H had the older dog on his lap, much of the time. When he went to put her down he said sorry S but dad has to put you down. How strange is that. Guess, I didn't think he thought of himself as a dad to our furkids anymore - I don't. Well, then we played some pirate dice & joked around some more. It was very fun & light hearted, pretty much like old times. (He won the dice game - usually I win).

Then we ate & chatted some more. I showed him my new used computer & my new TV & a video I bought for him last year. He said maybe we can watch the video when he gets back. I told him I was thinking about getting a cell phone. Yes, there is someone in this world - ME - who doesn't own a cell phone. He said he wishes I would because he worries about me. I said you worry about me - really? He said yes & I should really get one before my 3 hour drive to my parents for xmas.

After dinner I asked him about the D papers. He said he would have to go to court to try & get them reinstated. He said, that I didn't have to go & that he would do it on his own. I asked him if this is what he really wanted? He said he didn't know and was unsure about getting D. His body language also showed that he wasn't sure D is what he wants. He said that while he's in Malasia he will have a lot of time to think & to make a decision. I told him that I was willing to try, but I am also ready to drop the rope, if that's what you really want. Again, he stated that we could work on our R or friendship after D. I told him that if we were friends, it would be very difficult for me to see him w/another woman. He said that wasn't likely to happen. He also said (not blaming me) but he could never be with another woman, because he is diseased. (WE both are & I gave him the STD, that he knew I had). He is so self consious, that I do believe him. It would be difficult for him to tell anyone. WE chatted a bit more, I told him all I've been trying to do was to be his friend. Well, then it was time for him to go. WE gave each other 2 nice hugs & 2 kisses. I told him I loved him & that I know he loves me, but that he cant' tell me that. (He gave me this look - of yes you are right, I cannot tell you). I told him to take care & drive safe. He thanked me for dinner & the nice evening. He was out the door & forgot his left overs, so I reminded him. Then I asked if he had he key to the house, he said no, why? I said I can get it later after he decides.

Ah, so what do I think??? HHmmm, I think there is hope, since he is still unsure about the D. I wish that the R & D talk would have not been at the end of our time together. I wanted him to leave on a fun & happy note. But the R & D talk was not that long or intense. In some ways I wish I would have not said I was willing to try or about the key. ....... Just don't know.... Wish I could have been more business like - like JCJ. Oh well.

All in all - I think it went good. The seed of doubt is still within him. I think it would be difficult for him to see me with another man as well. Well, that is all, we will see if he contacts me. My life, this limbo ... to be continued ........