Time for ME to change...scared as hell...

[theotherhalf]

Thanks for your posts lwb, and wcw.

I fell hard AGAIN!
We had snow and blowing last night and today. I my sister, her family, my brother, and mom all coming for christmas between 1 and 2. I called H this morning and asked him to come push snow as he took the 4wheeler to his house and I don't know how to run the bucket on the tractor. He said he would later on. I was feeling pretty down as it is another xmas without him. I vented a little to him but not too much and he was his usual self. We hung up and I went about making dinner. All was fine.

Well it got to be noon. Snow was still blowing. Colder than Heck and no H. So I put my coveralls on and bundled up and went out to do it myself. Don't have a clue how but we'll see. Got out ther and the damb tractor was dead. Would not hardly even turn over.

I went in called H he was sleeping. I told him it wouldn't start and he just said oh yea. I couldn't keep it in. I said "damb you, you promised me you'd never leave me. You were always going to be there to do this stuff. You never taught me how to do any of it and now here I am stuck and can't do it by myself" I was crying like a fool. He said, "does this make you feel better". I said "make fun of me if that makes you feel like such a big man, is it funny to you?" It went back and forth. Rediculas really. He finally hung up on me and then wouldn't answer his phone. After I had a minute to really think about it and see what I was doing, I was so ashamed. How pathetic. I was still ticked at him but probably more so my self because I believed in him so much. That I trusted that he would always be here. And I didn't learn what I should have.

H came pushed the snow. I apologized and he left.

In the end my family made it here safely. We had a good dinner and all went well. After everyone left I called H to again apologize and to tell him to stop and get some left overs in the morning on his way home. It is the least I can do for him coming to my rescue after I threw such a fit. It's not much but all I have to offer.

What a day. What a mess.