Journal: Today was a horrible day for me. Last night ended on a good note despite the horror of the morning. We enjoyed dinner and a movie together here at the house. Today was just really bad. I was depressed all day. I never seem to see her depressed, she just always acts so happy and light hearted. That hurts more than anything she intentionally does to me. Every time I hear her laughing and joking and singing it just cuts my heart in half. Today I saw her setting up her new facebook account and she was downloading a lot of pics of our daughter from our various family trips and it really hurt me to notice that there weren't any pictures of me. I mean not that I expect there to be, but it just really hurt to see her downloading those pics and talking about them but just purposely making sure I wasn't in any of the pics she chose. I feel like I've been cut out of her life, which I guess I have. She also played some songs that are very painful for me to hear, one was "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed and the other was "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp. Both songs are very personal to me and both really link to my sit, so hearing them really hurt. I had to escape to the spare room 3 times today to sob. She saw I was depressed, so after putting our D to bed she sort of stormed out with her usual attitude. I told her I wasn't mad, but sad, but she just said "ok whatever, I'm leaving so you can have your space." It's as if I'm not allowed to be sad. Maybe I should be happy like she is. Maybe I should run around singing and dancing and joking and laughing. I just don't know how to hide my feelings. I know I need to appear happy around her, especially if I'm going to make myself and our family attractive to her again, but I just can't get over my pain. And nothing seems to work anyhow. I'm very down tonight so I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight all.
