Stiorm here Friday was very intense and repeated itself today. I wen tout Xmas shopping this morning, almost done. Need to pick up 3 things tomorrow on my way home from work. they are delivering my new couch tomorrow, very excited, although i have to shovel out that area now for them.
trying to get the ambition to maybe do some wrapping, feeling very drained. went to FIL yesterday after Xmas shopping and talked to him and his girlfriend. She is really good to talk to and basically is in line with everything I have learned and heard here. They feel so bad for me. We talked about a lot of things and I made the comment "Well she's happy in the path she has chosen". they both disagreed vehemently. They told me she is miserable, she looks miserable and mostly that's from the drinking. they feel she is drinking way too much. I told them that her life with OM must be what she wants right now, if it wasn't things would change for her. FIL GF disagrees. She reiterated the MLC stages, which I told her I had researched to death. and said that she just got to a point where she tried things she thought would make her happy probably over the last 2.5 years. None of it has worked. She said she needs to hit rock bottom before she will ever look to turn things around for herself. they were both glad to hear i attend church and asked how its been going. I told them very good, I have seen positive signs from Him and I have had negativity thrust at me from every angle. I continue on my path of Hope and my committments. FIL blames it all on the drinking. Its what mostly detroyed his, that and the physical abuse of MIL, which most often was brought on by the drinking. He is very hurt by this, and he told me so. His disappointment in his own daughter is enormous. He hopes if she comes back, that I can forgive her, that I can let her back into my heart. I told him that is a hard lesson I am learning now.
It was a good talk and I felt better, not upset, not emotional.
Church was good today, no crying, no meltdown. went straight from church to Xmas shopping due to the storm. I asked Him this morning, and I hate to even post I asked this, that He give me a sign from her. I told Him I understand He doesn't work that way, but told Him that I feel I have earned a sign for my efforts. I slept so-so last night. Asked Him to look out for her. I feel she may be getting to a point of depression and that she will need someone to watch over her during that time.
Firday I had my youngest Grandson. My D17 had called and said she was sleeping at her girlfriends house. I would be all alone during the storm. That doesn't bother me. I told God, I didn't want to be alone, that i need someone, anyone to keep my heart going. My son called and asked if I could wathc his son for the nigth as they were doing some work on their apartemtn. told him to bring him by. We had a blast. He is so much fun and loves me dearly. I thanked God as we went to be for that. Saturday was Xmas shopping and the FIL. sunday church, Xmas shopping and some errands. Trying to relax, feel guilty. House needs to be cleaned, shoveling needs to be done and presents to be wrapped.
Oh by the way, the mass today was about the house of David. I had posted about my cousin who I haven't spoke with in years just married a man named David, both her sisters are married to Davids, one I knew about the other I didn't, and my gay friends new man is named David. You can guess what the D in LonelyD is....
I have been speaking to HIm more and more regularly now. I did ask to help me continue my strength and my path. I believe i can forgive, i believe the lesson here is to start forgiving her now, not when her physical presence reutrns, if ti returns. People who are very close to us, the closest to us, have all indicated that she wil be back, my questions would be how do they know? Again, as AmyC had told me, they are telling me thngs i want to hear to make me feel better. But on the flip side to that, why build up a false hjpe that would crush me? I always thank them for that and ask them to pray to that end. I continue on with little to no expecatations about anything from her. Once th eOM is gone, my mindset will change most likely. But until then, I am learning this lesson. It is a hard pill to swallow and I do find myself fl;ying off the handle lately. I always apologize after. I believe He wants me to get this lesson over with. I can't tell you why, but there is a feeling I have that this lesson needs to get accomplished now. I feel very at home in church and will attend Xmas day. I will see W on Xmas Eve at my old D's house. FIL and his GF made me promise no drinking around her, told them that was no problem and a no brainer. FIL's GF told me when FIL was out of the room that on Thnaksgiving she felt W really was battling over her feeling s for me. The way she stared at me while I played with my grandson, the way she called me hon... she said I did the best and only thing I should have done, politely ignore her. She asked me if it hurts me to do this, and I told her it does, only because of the pity I have for her, not for me. She told me to do the same on Xmas Eve, which I will and at there house on Xmas day as well. FIL and GF say that what we had was true love, and FIL has known me for a long time. He said there was never any doubt in anyone's mind that you two were the most in love of anyone, that cannot be pushed aside. GF also told me that even though 4.5 - 5 months seems like an eternity to me, that in comparison to the 31 years together, its nothing. Use you time to kepp making your life better and easier. Because if and when she comes back, you won't have the time for yourself that you have now. Sound familiar Amy?
Anyway the thought of my first kiss with her back in high school and the one that just happened float through my head . there are images of a much bigger kiss, even where....His will is really strong in me now. I move throuugh my day pretty easily. Except now, because I wanna relax and instead I'm typing to you , my friends, and thinking about shoveling. I'll go do that I think just so its done and I can chill. I'll catch up to you all tomorrow. Love you all...
