Just stopping by to say hello and that I'm thinking of you. Have you tried thought stopping at all? I know it's really hard to keep from going over things in your mind, but I'm reading a book on Zen at the moment and one of the key teachings is to be still and do nothing (thought wise). i find it very calming and was just wondering if it might help you.
You're an amazing guy with lots of love to give, and you're going to be just fine!
Thanks for stopping in. I'm feeling a little better today. The thought stopping seems to be limited in its helpfulness...I can get myself going into quite a bit of obsessing! I think an activity as a distraction is probably a better strategy, when I can motivate myself into that action step.
I was reading through various threads over the last few days and find some validation in my experiences. Also, I had lunch with a friend today who was supportive. When I talked about W. I found myself thinking this whole thing was pretty weird in the way it unfolded. It's helped to reaffirm that so much of this was about W.. I was telling my friend it would have been helpful to me to hear her say "look I have made some choices that have really hurt you" but she said that that would mean she'd have to acknowledge so many other things, including looking at her own stuff. Sigh, that's true.
Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today, which is good. Thanks for stopping in.
As ever, I totally feel where you are at. You were saying something that really resonated with me, about how wierd all of this is.. if only they could acknowledge that they had made a series of choices that had resulted in hurting you so much...
It IS wierd the way things unfolded, for you and for me. And then to not really give us any chance at all, then or since. I mean, also, it is cruel.. and its so easy to get stuck blaming oneself. I too can get into some pretty repetitive obsessing. My friends are also very good at pointing out that its not us, its them... I could see this to be true earlier, when I accidentally found some old emails from my exBF. Wow. They were so eloquent and warm and forward looking, saying how wonderful I was, what a great catch.. they were all from a week or two before his Dad went into the coma.. then, everything changed.
I dont know if it was that that made him leave me, but it was a huge catastrophe in his life and at the bomb, he did say the past 2 years had take a huge toll on him. I dont know what change caused your W to up and leave.. but I thikn perhaps age and the stuff to do with.. I havent had kids, I'm 42.. now what!?
I'm sure you are a wonderful catch, that one day she will look back and think...oops! What did I do that for! I dont expect you to replace her for a while (as I wont my ex) but I am sure good things are on the horzion for you...
By the way.. you're not a Piscean are you!? Or a water sign...
Thankyou for your kind supportive words on my thread, as always Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Been there done that with reviewing old emails! Yuck. Such a contrast, isn't it? Well, there were some key events I think for her of life-threatening family illness and some other "milestones", probably combined with some of the environment she worked in, receiving a lot of attention, some of my inattention to certain things no doubt. I suspect all of those things built up for her in the context of turning 43, 44, 45 and this was enough to get the MLC fire sparked up and going.
I'm not a Piscean, actually a Leo!
Actually feeling pretty good today...wrapped things up at work so that feels really good to leave behind that environment. Lots of ups and downs but I am trying to make choices of things that will be good for me emotionally and physically.
Thank you for stopping in. I'll check in on you later!
Ahh.. a Leo! I always get on well with Leos Well, then you have been through a hard time.. 21/2 years of Saturn in Leo and then all those eclipses too in Leo/Aquarius... theres more to come, there is more exlipses in the series in late Jan/Feb next year and the last one in Leo in July 2009. And then you're through!
You sounds like you are feeling a bit better about things today?
So did you leave your job for something else? I am sure you are moving onto better things..
I'll figure some stuff out for work in January, I do have some temporary things that are helping on that front for now.
Something that I find challenging to deal with is that although I am quite "dark" in terms of contact, W. has emailed me a couple of times recently...if I respond, she is often engaging and humorous. This is like how she was before, during the separation...these distant emails as though all is normal, staying in contact but not because anything has changed. Those messages never went anywhere, it was like a contact but still holding me at 1000 miles away. I'm pretty tired of those kinds of invitations to connect but there is no change or substantive offering behind any of it. It's just a means to either stay in touch or I suspect it's about trying to steer it along the roads of "we're friends now and can laugh about things, so my leaving is okay with everyone now...phew...and best of all, I might be able to keep him as a friend while I continue on exploring options with other men...". Somehow, that doesn't sound like a great deal for me. I don't know that that is the case of what is happening, but I haven't understood much of any of it since it began. I'm really confused by it all.
I'm not sure how to respond because so little has been offered in terms of taking responsibility. Part of me would like to maintain a connection, but part of me feels it is not very authentic to go along with this kind of contact. I feel confused and find it odd to get these kinds of messages.
I wonder if others have had experiences with this?
Just wanted to jot some thoughts down today before sleep... I've been up and down today--had some moments this morning where I felt the edge or trace beginnings of missing w. but not necessarily needing her. That was weird. But I suspect that it may have been more connected to her email contact recently. Then later today, I found myself moving into the land of imagining she is out or with someone tonight, Friday night. Not such a good feeling.
And then I was getting so irritated by dating website profiles of countless women who have catalogue lists of attributes that the man needs to have to be "eligible". And I mean--it's pretty ridiculous on a lot of those profiles. I mean, no one person embodies all of those characteristics (and I love that the lists are full of contradictions or polarizations). It just seems to come from a place of entitlement--ie: "what are you going to be able to offer me / do for me?"
Granted, not all profiles are like this, but many seem to be. It bothers me because I wonder if the "I can have it all" mentality is part of what happened for my w. Maybe it's not even "have it all", just "I want someone other than you". Ugh. It's the commoditization of relationships, like ordering quantities or products from an online catalogue.
And then I get the replays in my mind--I wasn't exciting enough, romantic enough, sexual enough, fill-in-the-blank enough (and yet apparently I was the most attuned and emotionally responsive partner she has ever had). grrrrr. I'm still pretty bitter.
Okay, well I'm in a few knots over all these things!
I think today the whole Christmas thing has finally hit. Woke up this morning realizing I had several dreams involving W. somehow...just bits and pieces is all I remember. I feel really quite down today, crying this morning. Just a sense of still really missing her so much. And not just because it is Christmas...just because there is still such an empty and cold space in my life without her.
I still physically feel that ache in my heart and gut at these times. It's almost like she never was in my life, just snatched away one day by some other force is how it feels.
I feel intimidated by 2009, that this is another year without her. For her, it is the start of another year, the first year "clean" without me. I think she must be so engaged with her life, but I feel so empty still. It is really difficult to feel alive...I just still feel like I am going through the motions in so many ways.
I still just hurt so much over this. And I am angry, bitter about it. It's the rejection that is still the hardest for me.
I am sorry you feel down and sad and miss your W. I feel the same, its so hard to think of him enjoying Christmas skiing with his new gf!!!!Its not surprising how you feel. I get the odd comment now like.."well its been over a year..." as if I am being ridiculous to still be in this place, still be upset/miss him.
BUt considering the way our partners left, it is not surprising. Its like a death and yet its worse than that, as my therapist said, as you have the shock and ejection on top. Would anyone expect you to be chipper and moved on, or happy at Christmas time this year, if she HAD died? No. So, this is all normal ok!
But.. I will say, as agonising as it is.. it is a comfort to me to still have him in my life and a friendship of sorts. To know he still cares about me, for it to be amicable and warm.
I know I have asked you several times, but.. your W does seem to reach out to you now and then on email.. do you think you could reconsider your position and try and build a tentative friendship with her? Could you push past the pain barrier to get to that nugget of friendship?? Or do you feel too fragile to try? I am sure you could in time, when you are eventually stronger.
Thinking of you as always. I too have felt lately pretty empty, even dead inside (like my ex) but it ebbs and flows and some days (like today) I think, no its not so bad.. but it will get better for us, hey, I promise!
Thanks for stopping by. I'm not sure if I can go ahead with a friendship, mainly because there has been such a breech of trust in this whole thing. It might be easier to do so if she were to own her own issues in this more, but she really hasn't in any way. That is one piece that is at least somewhat positive in the midst of the awfulness of your sitch--your bf has frequently alluded to how messed up he feels, that he doesn't know what he is doing. Wish my W. could do the same, it would strangely be helpful to me!
I guess I am seeing where I am going with it all. I have not ruled out contact with her, we still have to have some communication re: selling of the house, but it is a push to remain open when my sense is that her contact is not for anything other than a distant and platonic caring. I will think about what you are raising, though.
The part that does tug at me is wondering if she is hurting or confused or lost in this too...but perhaps that is wishful thinking on my part. Her leaving just seems to be the ultimate statement of "I can do better"--especially that there was no opportunity for any change/connection/etc, much like you experienced things. And in reading on another thread how many MLCers are involved with an OP (during the relationship or shortly after leaving) that just got me depressed!
Trying to stay busy today with cleaning the house like mad! Might as well do some distraction that has some benefits.
Well, then you have been through a hard time.. 21/2 years of Saturn in Leo and then all those eclipses too in Leo/Aquarius... theres more to come, there is more exlipses in the series in late Jan/Feb next year and the last one in Leo in July 2009. And then you're through!