Finding my goodness and power

[frank_D]

by the way 25yearsmlc I live in T.O. also.

[Jeff223]

I'm serious this time.

Excellent. I do believe that the mind does influence how we feel and in fact over time we can change how we feel. But it does take time.

It is not like saying "I am getting my hair cut today" and we make it happen.

Remember when you fell in love frank? I don't. It sort of snuck up on me. I did not decide "today I am going to fall in love with xxx". It just evolved over time. I cannot say what date it was or even when I really *knew*.

Same for *acceptance*. It evolves over time.

But the right mindset is needed as well and you are doing your best there. Keep going.

BTW, about the locks '25', I never said not to change them. I simply said check the local law rules first. I fully agree that some OM (a low-life at that) having possible access is not a good thing. I would also like to say that your posts are a good read and are helping me also.

[frank_D]

So I've spent a lot of time crying today. I realize that I'm the one hurting myself because I'm the one staying in this limbo by not accepting the situation as it is. It's easier to stay stuck and hurt because moving on is a scary thing.

But hurting sucks worse. I need to pick myself up and define myself again. I'm at the bottom so there's nowhere else to go but up. I'm no longer a husband. I'm pretty close to being a train wreck but I can stop it, change direction, move on.

I am the master of my fate.

[AmyC]

I'm pretty close to being a train wreck but I can stop it, change direction, move on.

We spend so much time trying to avoid the wreck...but it is only because we do not realize that it is in the midst of the wreckage that we would find life.

I would not recommend circumventing this time, Frank.

[frank_D]

We spend so much time trying to avoid the wreck...but it is only because we do not realize that it is in the midst of the wreckage that we would find life.

I would not recommend circumventing this time, Frank.

I hear you. I'm having trouble believing it is really over, but it is. I'm going to make sure I feel all the pain. No medicating. I need to feel this so I can move on.

[AmyC]

Frank, forgive the coming analogy...and go with me for a minute or two...


You are like a dog on a leash that is determined to go in a particular direction but has not given any thought to the light post in his path. Instead of trusting his owner to guide him, he has wrapped himself repeatedly around the light post - still trying to go in the same direction. Eventually, if left to his own devices the dog might even choke himself to death instead of trying something different.

Now a real dog's owner will impose his will on the dog because he knows that he knows better how to get the dog to where he needs to be (which isn't necessarily where the dog thinks he WANTS to be, mind you).

YOUR "owner" will never impose His will on you.
He will let you continue the course you have determined that you wish to be on. He will wait for you while the world, and the people in it, serve themselves to your detriment. All the while He will hope that you will turn to Him. He doesn't step in and stop the pain but He does offer quite a refuge from the storms of life. And out of pain, He WILL birth wonderful things.

Understand, He will take whatever is wrong in your life, and while He isn't One to just say "erase, erase, erase" and make it all go away, He does bring hope.

If you turn to Him.

The choice will always be yours, though.

Because you are not a dog.

He will let you keep wrapping yourself up around the light post.

That is free will.

But you have another option and it's called surrender.

You won't HAVE to keep coming up with ways to survive this.
You will know He is carrying you through.

You won't have to wonder if you will find love again.
He will love you and teach you to love yourself.

You won't have to worry about the future.
You will know in Whose hands it is in.

I haven't seen anyone at such an obvious crossroads that still just wants to keep walking around the light post.

Stop.

You have a Master waiting to untangle you and show you the Way.

[craig54]

Frank,

Amy has a lot of spiritual insight, she is right. God will guide you and show you immense compassion, trust him,let go.He wants you to heal, for your sake and your daughters.

[frank_D]

Yes, I'm a mess. I want to 'control' the outcome of my life. I know that comes from my childhood with my abusive grandmother. In that life the 'rules' changed daily so no matter what I did, I was wrong.

Since then, I have believed that a woman would only stay with me if I 'controlled' the situation. So, I chose a woman to be my wife who actually WOULD only stay with me when I was in 'control'.

I've never let go of control.

Never.

I believe in God, I really do.

My problem is that I do not believe that God can control my life.

I am above God in that respect. I am in 'control'

But right now, it's not working out.

I'm struggling with this.

Please believe me when I say I am 'super genius'. I am. I learned to be one because of my environment.

So, how do I 'let go' of my W, and find my own path when my primary 'goal' is to use my 'SFG' abilities to 'fix' this?


I KNOW logically that I cannot fix this. I can't.

Emotionally, I have ALWAYS been able to fix any problem.

But, W doesn't want to be with me.
It's over.

[craig54]

Frank,

If the situation you find yourself in does not convince you that you are not in control, I don't know what will. You have heard the saying, being in control is an illusion. Bingo!! It is a battle of the flesh against the spirit.I know in my situation I thought I could "control the situation with my wife", what a joke, who was I trying to convince, Myself.Toss the logic out the window, that is where it belongs.It is time to trust in The Lord, really trust.

You are right, you cannot fix this.But you can help fix yourself.

[Jeff223]

One of your best posts.

If only you and I never saw the word 'control'....

Ditto to the concept of 'fix' ....

That was our downfall - the need to control - NOT the fact W was somehow dependent on us and we let them down.

So much I could say but it would only amount to what you "should" feel.

What you write is what you are feeling.

That is so, so wonderful. Yes it sucks. Ask me how I know.

But please keep writing. Let those feelings flow.

God? Yes I believe too. But all things in time.

This has nothing to do with your grandmother or how you were raised. It has to do with you and how you are wired.

Think deep.

Kind of like software????

After 50 years you are finally coming to know frank.

The bad ... and the good.

Learn.

That is what this is about.

The gift you are given.

Growth.

You are a mess? Maybe, but one I am proud to know.