Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[forward]

SH, Have you apologized to her?

[still hopeful]

I have, but for what are you asking if I've apologized, the affair? Because, I have for that... more than once, but I've stopped apologizing. I meant it the first time. She KNOWS I'm sorry. She's still angry and hurt, and most of all untrusting.

Tom

[Phoenixdeux]

I'd like to interject one thing. Drop the "she's punishing me", type stuff. Drop the, "she's doing this" and attributing it as somehow related to you.

Still hopeful, this may hurt to hear, but it may be reality that she doesn't think about you one way or the other. She may be fine with her life. She may not care what you are doing. She may not even think about you more than once or twice a month. So, how about taking her actions as what they are...her doing something, without adding in, "to get my attention" or whatever.

Ever broke up with a girl? Can you remember her at all? Would it surprise you if you found out that your first girlfriend still wonders if you are doing x,y, or z to get her attention or because you are trying to punish her?

The point of all of this is that you have to just live your life. It's hard enough to live for yourself without trying to live your wife's life, at least vicariously, also.

Nothing in particular you do or say at this point will suddenly cause your wife to return. How about for the next month you just focus on living your own life and have an, "if it happens, it happens" approach to your wife. Guess what? It's okay to let her go.

[still hopeful]

Hello Phoenix,

Thank you for reading through my thread. I agree that dropping the "she's punishing me"-type stuff is best.

It does hurt to hear that she may not think about me in one way or the other, but supposing that were true, moving on would be easier.

I agree that the best with you, in that, I have already learned that the best way to mentally catalog an interaction with her, either good or bad, is to simply attribute it to being what it objectively is; either a good or bad interaction based on what actually happened. I generally KNOW what she is thinking, where her head is, where her heart is, and where her values are by watching her.

I am the first one to admit that I am not good at mind reading. Whenever I mind read others, I generally imagine it all MUCH worse than the reality. I don't think I've ever mind read anything positive; always negative.

I got your point about ex-girlfriends. I am guilty of feeling too self-important. It makes sense that, most likely, her actions and her feelings have absolutely nothing to do with me. I got it. Thank you. Obviously, I am still learning to deal with the loss. I believe, one way or another, healing comes.

Nothing in particular you do or say at this point will suddenly cause your wife to return. How about for the next month you just focus on living your own life and have an, "if it happens, it happens" approach to your wife. Guess what? It's okay to let her go.

I agree with you here, whole heartedly. She is her own person and has her own free will to do as she wishes. The only real power I have is over myself; to NOT push her further away; to keep the door to reconciliation in my heart and mind ajar so that if she does choose to explore that option, I will still be open to it. I will focus on living MY life for the next month and have an, "if it happens, it happens" approach to my XW.

And yes, I know it's OK to let her go. I just don't believe that time has arrived yet.

Thanks again for your time, your kindness, and your perspective. I appreciate what you have selflessly given to me.

Tom

[still hopeful]

Hello again, Phoenix,

After spending the day with my children and reflecting on what you wrote, I was drawn back to a portion of one of my more recent posts about my XW's opening up to me:

After XW vented for quite a while, I interjected that I was sad that she still viewed me in the same negative light. It wasn't an angry conversation, and she did open up to me. She told me that she loves still me, and always will (yes, I am aware that this sounds cliche). She also told me that she doesn't really see herself marrying someone else because she can't see herself giving all of her to another again. Lastly, she said she can't see herself having children with someone else in the future. In the last couple of days, she told me that if she and I had stayed together, we'd have had at least 4 children.

Much of what XW divulged was new information to me. Good information. It was real information; not just having a feeling of mine or relying on my intuition, no matter how accurate my feelings have been since we split. Again, I do know that I have to keep myself and my feelings in check.

Now, I understand that I must keep my positive emotions in check. I also understand that my saga has been going on for almost three years, and that may seem like not much time to some, it feels like an eternity to me.

By her own admission, XW does think about me, but again, I understand she may do so much less than I'd like to believe. Caution is the key here. As I've posted previously, I know I cannot accomplish my reconciliation mission on my own, but I certainly can kill all of my efforts up 'til now with WRONG actions and WRONG words.

Thank you for reminding me that it's NOT ALL ABOUT ME! Right now, it's mostly about her and about me NOT undermining my own efforts to pave the road to reconciliation. Should she find it in her heart to wish to work on reconciliation, only then would we be partners again, working to achieve a gloriously happy marriage.

Although I know that today is not the darkest day of my D journey, now, I am now only making my way with a sliver of light, way off in the distance, as I climb upward towards my mission's goal of reconciliation. I routinely remind myself that, although I am not as far away from my mission goal as I was 3 years ago, I MUST congratulate myself and savor the smallest victories along the way, and recognizing and appreciating even the smallest of increments of progress and positive movement.

And of course, I must be VERY careful ensure that in my self-congratulation, I do not trip over myself and muck up what I have achieved with my XW in our efforts on the perilous journey of reconciliation. One thing that I do find comforting is that although my XW knows that my efforts are for the purpose of reconciling, even though I don't say anything about our R, she does not go away. Many times I feel our R is like a yo-yo. Of course there are many up and downs still, but we are held together by that yo-yo string and we keep coming back up together.

In closing, I will pay close attention to NOT congratulate myself too much for our progress over the past 3 years, because I understand that I will only cross the finish line when I cross the finish line...and even then, that's only the starting line for a more wondrous journey together! I will keep in mind that I am probably not a driving factor in much of what XW thinks, says, and does. I will live my life, not hers. I hear you. I want to achieve my mission goal and any coaching from my brothers and sisters here that I can put into play to positively affect my journey, I will gladly consider, try out, and evaluate for its effectiveness in MY sitch.

Thank you,
Tom

[Phoenixdeux]

That all sounds good. Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

[still hopeful]

Thank you, Phoenixdeux.

I now understand what you are saying. I see it in real terms. I get it. And yes, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees.

Thank you for reminding me that there is a huge difference between remaining open to the possibility of reconciliation and the reality of putting MY life in park to everyone's detriment, particularly my own.

Tom

[still hopeful]

Day after Christmas.

Christmas turned out to be quite nice.

On Christmas Eve, I made a trip with my 2 children to see my family and 4 of my 7 siblings made it along with my mom and dad. Later that same evening, we made the trip to my children's other side of their family. That was fun also. At the end of the evening, I dropped my children and XW off at her place and went home a little after midnight.

I arrived back Christmas day at 9am and we started opening presents around 10am. Spent the entire day with XW and children. I left around 1130pm to get gas and discovered that I still had XW's car keys in my pocket. I took her keys back to her, knowing they were still awake and my children were insistent that I spend the night. I did, cleaning up my daughters throw up twice last night and sleeping on the couch.

I definitely walk this emotional tightrope with XW. She gets closer alot and they pulls WAAAAY back! It's all fine. I simply take solace in the fact that I am much closer to reconciling my M than I was 3 years ago. She still very confused about everything, and that is fine also.

I intend to continue improving myslelf and to keep on keepin' on.

Thanks for listening. Merry Christmas.

Tom

[forward]

SH, Per Michelle, you may never be able to apologize enough.

If you can do so, gently, at certain opportune times, do so!

Try to be soft. You have had a tug of war long enough....

[still hopeful]

breton39,

Thank you for responding. I understand what you are telling me.

Being soft works well for me. Thank you again.

Tom