Ya know the only postive that came from my texting that morning was later that day, he texted me a funny joke.
Kristi, I hope you will not see me as the bad guy here and say, "All Sandi ever does is talk negative". But, I can see it takes so very little to get your hopes soaring sky high. That is common with LBS. I am glad that he was able to finally repsond nicely to your TM, but what if he hadn't? It would have brought you down so low and ruined the day for you. You will not allow yourself to give up on the idea that he truly doesn't want the D. And look at how your children got their hopes up just b/c you were laughing at the TM from their Dad. But, what does tomorrow hold? You never know what he may do. Sometimes, I want to take my new sweeties and turn them across my checkered apron (as my grandmother used to say) and spank their behinds b/c that is pursuing when you TM him and YOU KNOW IT IS! This time, he was wasn't ugly, probably b/c he wasn't involved in anything at the moment....but what about next time, he may slice your heart into. You just won't let go, and you set yourself up for more possible pain. Plus you also set the kids up for more hurt, too.
I tell you what this reminded me of. My GS is not coming home for Christmas and his mother, (my daughter) just cannot accept the fact that he is not coming home. I reminded her several times that she needed to get his gift mailed off in time for him to receive it by Christmas. Now, this past Friday, she spent the whole afternoon with her dad and brother shopping. When her dad came home, he was completely empty handed. That kind of ticked me off b/c I have not been able to go shopping and he knows that we do not have everybody's gift. So, anyway, I call her and find out that she still has not sent her son his Christmas gift and in fact...has not even bought it. She is in complete denial. So, as always, I had to be the bad guy.....seems like I always am and I don't enjoy it, but I can't stand to just sit back and watch this happen. So, when I asked her why she had not taken care of it, she just sort of whined and said that she just kept hoping he would show up. Well, I my patient was beginning to run thin and I told her that he was NOT coming home for Christmas and that I did not expect him to come home at all before the wedding next summer. So, she starts crying and hangs up. See what a good job I do with my own kids? That was not what she wanted to hear, but she has laid around for nearly two weeks making herself sicker by the day simply b/c she will not accept reality. So, she needed to hear it said. She does not want him to marry that girl and she was so convinced that he would be back home to stay, until she just can't cope and is living in denial. So, I had to hit her with a 2x4, and of course she did not like it. But, she is going to ruin everyone's Christmas due to her mopping around and acting like he has died. She isn't the first parent that has had to go through this and won't be the last. I had to go through it and look at all the parents who have kids in the war. So, she needs to stop this pity party and look at those around her that are in her life that she is making miserable b/c of her selfishness in wanting to wallow in her self pity. Yes, it is selfishness. She said that she could not be strong and that she had to have that one time to feel sorry for herself. Okay, so she had it, but now it is time to get herself together and try to move forward b/c this behavior of hers is not doing anything but making matters worse.
Anyway, I didn't mean to get off on all of that except that it bothers me the way you are having such a hard time facing reality (just like my D) and how you just can't seem to discipline yourself from contacting your H. Most of the time, you use any little excuse you can find to contact him. This time he was not so bad, but it will be a matter of time before he will get ugly with you. Please stop making the path for him. I want you to have a good Christmas and I don't mean for this to sound like I am scolding you. I just get frustrated when I see my girls doing the very thing they do not need to be doing....which is pursuing. Why do you insist on ruining any chances of drawing him back to you? You are doing the opposite and pushing him farther away.....even if he did seem to be nice this time......it was probably b/c he was bored or something. Pursuing never works! That is exactly what you are doing and when you do.....then you can look back and ask yourself why didn't you following the DB rules. You can ask AmyM, b/c she did all the cute things with flirting and joking over the phone and about anything you could think of, but it did not draw her H closer to her.
So, I hope that you can be stronger during the Christams celebrations and do not find reasons to contact him. If he contacts you....fine, but please sweetie, try to have some control. As you said, you are getting your first glimpses of how he is "not all that" and it gets easier when you can see that! However, you are never going to see it until you stop this. You have to pull away in order to get a better objective view point of what he really is. I am hoping that it won't take you long before you can get your eyes open to see what/who YOU are and that you are much to valuable to waste your time on somebody that doesn't appreciate what he had. I can tell you that OM that I thought was "all that" sure doesn't appeal to me now (thank God!) and I wonder what I ever saw in him in the first place.
Again, I am not scolding.....this is just my way of talking when I get frustrated and don't want to see my girls hurt. And I know it is a matter of time, whether it happens tonight, tomorrow or next week......the jerk he really is, will surface. So, brace yourself as if you are preparing for a storm that may hit you at anytime, anyplace.
I'll check in on ya later. Glad you had a good time playing the other night. You need to get out and enjoy yourself more. Just don't run home and tell him all about it. It is almost like a little girl wanting to tell her daddy what a good job she has done that day. You don't want to tell him about all your improvements. When the time is right, he will know and see for himself.
Don't want you to be upset by this, but I do hope you will learn from it and just resolve to not replay the same thing later, okay?
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
