Making my own good karma!!

[Silent Chrleader]

(((Upside)))

Thank you for your advice and encouragement. My H has admitted it's not me, it's him, but he has no desire to work on anything. He says he's been "faking it" for years. I know they say believe nothing you hear and only half of what you see, but he really seems to mean it. And knowing my H, even if he ever came around to a different understanding, he would never say so.

I am hoping that I will be more able to detatch and feel better getting into my new place with just me and my S17 and my 2 chihuahuas. It's a nice complex that has a community clubhouse that has get-togethers and such, and a gym and indoor pool. I could get something cheaper, but I am hoping that this way, I can maybe meet the neighbors and have a little support system there. Plus they have security so I feel safer. The only drawback is that it's less than a mile from our house and I will likely see H on the ferry since we both commute to the city to work, but I thought it was more important that S17 stay near friends to keep him as stable as possible.

I am not going to file for D. I am leaving everything up to H from now on. I am so exhausted and I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week! I hope my medication kicks in soon! Better livin' through pharmaceuticals!! That's what I'm talkin' about!!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, ((Sir));

Thank you for your insight and advice. Another way that depression can manifest itself is irritability and my H definitely has that! But, I agree with our C that H does not meet the criteria for clinical depression. He does however exhibit narcissistic behavior, and in session, if C challenges H's thinking on something, H just brushes it off and changes the subject, or says point blank "I am not willing to talk about that." H says he knows he is being selfish, but that's the way he wants it right now. Period. Says he is "done" with the kids, and me. The only person he feels anything for is S17, but he is even "done" with him now too for the most part.

S17 has been ditching school and started smoking and such for the last several months (since H told him about the PA, and S17 was carrying around the secret). Before that, H was S17's buddy, and was allowing him to drink and smoke and such in H's presense. So, S17 is failing several classes and in danger of not graduating on time, and H's answer is to kick his behind or kick him out of the house. H doesn't see the possible connection between him going though a "selfish" phase and S17 following his lead. S17 now doesn't want to be around H because all H does is "work him". Granted, that's not necessarily a bad thing. S17 does need to get his rear in gear, but H has always had a "my way or the highway" attitude and both my kids are just plain sick of it.

As for my part in the breakdown of our M, there is no question I had a part in it. All I ever wanted was to have a family and be a wife and mother. But, early on in my marriage, my H told me not to ever think that what I did at home was anywhere near as difficult as what he did on the boat (Navy). I was raised by a mom who said "Don't ever let any man walk on you!". So, I quickly found that if I got a job and brought in money, I got more recognition and satisfaction. Then we had our daughter who is high functioning autistic. Much of our family life over the years revolved around her counseling needs, and school meetings, etc. We paid house-keepers to come in since we both worked full time. So, I was not the instinctive house-wife and mother I had always thought I was and, if fact, what I wanted to be. So, I failed him and I failed myself. (My H's love language is acts of service). But, I was also one that anything my H ever wanted, I wanted him to have it. Big or small. In this way, I always tried to be the hero and salve my conscience on not being the suzy homemaker he wanted or thought I should be.

As for H, he was a great husband as far as going to work and bringing home the bacon, mowing the lawn, handyman stuff......but emotionally he wasn't there, except in bed (there was never any issue there). We never went out as a couple. And if I asked to, or asked about going somewhere as a family 9 out of 10 times he would would say no, and if he did go, he would grumble. There was always something "more important" that should be being done. He always has a list a mile lone of "to do" projects. Over time, I became depressed and withdrawn and H (and I) saw this as just lazy.

With IC, I have come to learn many things about myself and have shared these with my H, and told him how sorry I am that I let him down. I did a lot of 180s and GAL'd and PMA'd a lot (although I have admittedly back-slid a lot too). I've lost 40+ lbs too. H says he appreciates what I have done, but it's too late.

I suspect that it's guilt and he can't face the fact that he had an affair with his secretary (something he has always found repulsive when he sees others do it, including the CEO of his company who had a 4year affair with another director and left his wife of 20+ years).

I don't know what to think. He seems to have all the hallmarks of MLC, but even if that's the case, what does it matter? He's still gone and the statistics are he won't come back. And I have to come to terms with the fact that my life has been pulled out from under me, and I have to re-build from scratch. And I honestly sometimes just don't feel up to the task. But, I will do it, because I have 2 kids who need to have at least one parent that they can count on to love them unconditionally. (H has always said that there is no such thing as unconditional love.)

Sorry for the long post......

[Silent Chrleader]

Had IC yesterday and brought him up to date on the last week. C is very disappointed that H has not been honest with him in his sessions, because he feels he could have helped either clarify H's thinking and/or helped with how to do things without so much hurt and confusion.

I am just feeling so numb. I don't know if that's detatchment or just a deeper depression. I hope it's the former, but suspect it's the latter. H is coming over tomorrow to work on the house. I don't know if I should be upbeat and show PMA and help out, or if I should just make myself scarce. H says that S17 is going to be working his tail off on house stuff tomorrow whether he wants to or not.

S17 wants to go to alternative school to finish his senior year. He is failing several classes and with only 3 weeks left in the semester, really has little or no chance to pull out a passing grade. This whole sitch has taken a toll on him and I am NOT in favor of his dropping out, but he does make a good argument of why should he bust his behind only to fail the class anyway (and his teachers have told him they will not give extra credit work to help). Part of me thinks I should tell him to do the work and try his best even if he fails the class because hard work is good for the soul and he is responsible for his own behavior no matter what is going on at home. Such a dilema. Our C doesn't even have any definitive advice on this one.

I did talk to H on the phone briefly yesterday while in traffic. I voice a little bit of concern for the financial side of the split. He re-assured me that we would sit down and work things out and he did not want to shaft me and we would work everything out. But, he did think that I should have gone for a "cheap" one bedroom apartment and S17 could sleep on the floor. I said I was absolutely not going to do that. S17 deserved a safe compfortable home. And I like the community stuff this complex does in order for me to feel supported. So, H dropped that argument and said it was my choice. He just seems so distant and willing to do almost anything to just be out of the M.

I hate the way I feel. I just want to go to bed and say "wake me when it's over". Everyone tells me I will be so much stronger having gone through this. Intellectually I know this is true. But I have lost something very precious. I have lost an innocence and trust in myself and others that was really beautiful I think. I will never get that back.

[Silent Chrleader]

I ran into an old family friend this evening. As soon as I saw him, I started crying! [So embarassing!]. He was shocked to hear about H and my sitch. Made me promise to keep my head up and not lose heart because he thinks H will "come around" and is just currently thinking with "the wrong head".

I am just feeling so very hopeless and sad right now. Does anyone see any hope in my sitch? H is supposed to be coming over tomorrow to work on the house (weather permitting which if very iffy). If he does come, I don't know if I should help with the work and PMA and "be the greener grass", or if I should be scarce and leave him to it. I'm thinking I will be positive and offer help if he needs it, but then unless he states otherwise, leave him to it and be busy doing other things.

S17 doesn't want H to come because he doesn't want to help H. He is still very angry at H since the falling out they had because H slept with OW. (H had been being "best buds" with S17 and allowing him to drink and smoke, but then told H told "his secret" to S17 in a drunken confession and then S17 had to carry that secret for months until he finally told). S17 has not been doing well in school this year (not hard to understand why). H still thinks S17 needs to be "yanked up by his boot straps" and "worked" to "earn his keep". I understand this feeling, but am not sure tough love is the way to go. But, I don't want to gainsay H to S17, because it's important I think to maintain a united front as parents......??

I just really need to find some PMA somewhere! Anybody know where I can find some, cheap??

[Upside]

Hi SC-
I am not sure who originally posted this but I think it might help...

The Lighthouse

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....

you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....

I think this is applies even if there is no OP involved...although I want to say there are no guarantees that your spouse will eventually see that you are the one and only.

Become the lighthouse...start with your PMA and keep building. You will eventually become the lighthouse because you believe in yourself and that is what you need to do regardless of what happens with your M.

(((HUGS)))

[Silent Chrleader]

Thanks, [[[Upside]]].

That's a very uplifting way of looking at my sitch. I appreciate you sharing it with me.

I just spent the last few hours going over the financial status with H and how we are going proceed when I move into the apartment. Things are cordial, but cool. No fights. No crying. Afterward, I asked H for a hug and he gave it. I shouldn't have done that. It just looks needy to H.

I'm depressed now.

H is upstairs putting in the hardwood floor. I think I'll go up and see if he wants something to eat......

[Babygirl]

hey my sister, how are you?? we have to hook up in the alt, so we can hook up and email or talk.

i understand your pain, am there with you, sadly was there the other nite again. scared some good buddies.

lets me and you take eachother on ok?
love ya girlie!

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, {{{{BG}}}}.

You're on! I'm in the alt. I am friends with Wifey and SMW and sandycay. I also have my name here as part of my name there, but spelled different. I don't have a pic there yet. Right now FB seems to be down. I'll try again later.

H and I have some good understanding now about where we are financially and I have basically turned it all over to him. I told him since he was the one that wants this, he can figure it all out from here. We have a LOT of debt because we just finished building the dream house. With the economy the way it is, it is not a great idea to sell them if we can hold off. So, H is going to look into the possibility of re-fi. I told H what my "must haves" were, and he promised to keep them the highest priority, and I told him if he could find a way to keep the dream house, I would be willing to do what I could so long as my musts were met.

He says he is in no hurry to file for divorce, because that would reduce his pension due to fewer dependents. And he said he has absolutely no thought to ever re-marry again. (I know that can change in a heartbeat.)

I have a toothache that is killing me and I am taking vicadin to tide me over til Monday when I can get in to see the dentist.

We are having a heck of a snow storm and H is going to the retirement community where he works and will be there all week, including X-mas. I am sitting here thinking that I just want to sit with my husband and watch some movies and then go to bed and snuggle up like we used to. I used to love being snowed in when we lived in upstate NY.

Everybody I know is saying that it's great that things are finally happening with the "split" and that I am better off and I'll be so happy and stronger.......even my kids want the divorce. I hate this!! I know after todays talk that I will be OK practically speaking. I have a nice place to live. I have the support of my family. Everyone says H will be sorry one day. But, I just want to tell everyone to shut up! I don't want this! I want my husband! Or at least the man I thought he was!

But, at least I didn't have too much trouble staying detatched today. I didn't show any of this emotion except for when I asked for the hug. No R talk at all. So, I'm going to count that as a baby step for me!

[Silent Chrleader]

I have decided to just try to take a little comfort in the fact that H told me he is not in a hurry to legally divorce, and he has no plans to pursue any relationships right now. For the next couple months, H will be working on the house getting it ready for sale, so he won't have time to do anything else. But hopefully it will give him time to think. So, it ain't over yet.

I am going to try to enjoy my new start in my own place. I am going to concentrate on what makes me happy and just let go of H and his issues. Or at least I am going to try!

What is meant to be will be. I will live the moment!

[glamgirl]

SC sorry that you are struggling so. You can't believe anything they say at the moment. All you really can do is work on yourself and love your h from a distance.

Is not over yet, by a long shot. Just because someone wants out doesn't mean they can't change there mind. Your h is feeling at the moment he wants out.

Let him be to figure things out. No R talks, no desperate attempts to get him back, no putting on the guilt, no nothing. Just be kind and loving. That is the hard part right now since you are feeling so hurt yourself.

Step back and enjoy what you have for now. I have been at this for a long time. It has taken many baby steps back to the m. I am hopeful that my h will one day say honey I am home.

Don't stress about a possible D, it hasn't happened yet so no need to worry about it.

Just try to enjoy the holidays the best you can. Hugs!