I think today the whole Christmas thing has finally hit. Woke up this morning realizing I had several dreams involving W. somehow...just bits and pieces is all I remember. I feel really quite down today, crying this morning. Just a sense of still really missing her so much. And not just because it is Christmas...just because there is still such an empty and cold space in my life without her.
I still physically feel that ache in my heart and gut at these times. It's almost like she never was in my life, just snatched away one day by some other force is how it feels.
I feel intimidated by 2009, that this is another year without her. For her, it is the start of another year, the first year "clean" without me. I think she must be so engaged with her life, but I feel so empty still. It is really difficult to feel alive...I just still feel like I am going through the motions in so many ways.
I still just hurt so much over this. And I am angry, bitter about it. It's the rejection that is still the hardest for me.
