H just moved out, 13 months post-bomb

[Dawn of Hope]

Hi, there, all. In reference to the topic of the last few posts...I am mildly irritated that H doesn't trust me enough to even know where he lives, but that's all. I really don't care that much, and maybe it's better that I don't know, because if I did, I would probably be subject to the temptation to snoop...and I know that's not good for anyone, especially me.

I did make it to church today (for the first time in several months), although just barely...I have a hard time getting myself up early enough to get there at all; final service starts at 10:30 a.m., which is like the crack of dawn for me. I'm always glad when I push past the inertia and go. I really wanted to be there today, since I won't be able to go to Christmas Eve services because I will be traveling with my brother (who is flying in that day) to see our mother for Christmas.

I was extremely lazy yesterday; I just stayed in bed reading most of the day. My cats were happy, though...I had one by my knees and one by my chest, keeping me company (the third one doesn't get along with one of the others, so she refuses to get on the bed while he's on it). I do need to stop burying myself in books and avoiding my life...this was a deeply-ingrained habit that I actually managed to break at the time of the bomb, but now that H isn't around to care any more, I'm finding it creeping back up on me. I need to nip that in the bud and get my life in better balance.

Today, since I'm actually out of bed while the sun is still up, I'm going to run a few errands, call a couple of friends, do some baking, get a little work done. I have a headache, probably from my erratic sleep patterns. Yet another thing I had improved for quite a while after the bomb, but is totally out of control again. I have trouble with consistency here...some days I am stronger, and think, "I'm not going to let myself miss out on life because I can't get on a schedule to match the rest of the world!" Other times it seems so pointless to even make the effort, because it's such a struggle all the time.

I'm just having a "blah" day, I guess...not great, not horrible. Just something to live through. It's very cold here, although the skies are clear and there's no snow or ice on the ground...I think the high is supposed to be 15 degrees today. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have a warm place to stay in this cold weather. And insane me, I've got a wild hair to go out and put a few bows on the house--all the decorating I plan to do, since I'm finally in the mood to do *something* visible for the holiday. I could hardly stand to see all the holiday decorations around town right after H left, but I'm more or less back to normal appreciation of them now, although I'm not interested in spending a lot of time decorating (I'm not into frills and cutesy things--not my style--but I do appreciate the effort other people put into making things beautiful for the season). It's supposed to warm up a little tomorrow, but it isn't going above freezing, and then we're supposed to get a "wintery mix" of precipitation, so the roads are going to be a mess, I'm sure.

Today while I was driving back from church, I saw a car of the same model as H's, although definitely a different color, and I had this rage-filled moment when I thought about what it would be like to crash my car into his if I saw him driving somewhere. Yep, definitely haven't reached that place of forgiveness yet. I don't know that I've really made any progress in that department, and all I know to do is pray about it.

Sorry I don't have anything inspiring or exciting or entertaining to say. I think this headache is really affecting my mood more than I want to admit, and I wasn't in a great mood before that. Hopefully I will be more fun to talk to in my next post.

Peace,
Dawn