Finding my goodness and power

[25yearsmlc]

Frankd,
hard to add to all the good advice you are getting, but wanted to say you handled it pretty darn well. I would suggest your W handle her R issues with her daughters, not through you.

D17 is old enough to speak for herself, apparently. And why would she lie? Certainly in D17's mind, she is telling the truth, regardless of what really occurred or what your w thinks occurred. Also, your w's version is weird anyhow...she invited your D17 but not her bf, and said being a seat short was somehow an insurmountable obstacle???

Okay...buy a folding chair or bring one next time. WHATEVS....as the college kids say when indifferent to idiocy.

The "should feels" on the board are all part of our kicking you in the pants in a good way I hope, and as you've said, something clicked and you are moving forward and that is part of why we are all here. We DO support M's, but as DBers we are also aware of two sad realities: 1) we have no control over SOME situations and it takes time to figure out when those situations are occurring, for instance if we try fifty 180's or the WAS is determined to leave, then there isn't a lot else we can do but move on...2) the other sitch is when the M, as is, is toxic for us or our children. Those cases are usually more obvious but there are gray areas, of course.

Your sitch is kind of both, but mostly the first. Your w HAS left, and now is filing "Something"...so what else can you do? Well, your choices are how to move on, and you control that. ANd being there for your d's who DO feel rejected. In a way, doesn't that make sense? I know my d19 said, back a few years, that her father had "obviously chosen not to be a part of her life" and it killed me to hear that and it is NOT what h intended.

Last Father's Day, d19 sent him a Father's Day card and in it, wrote to him about the pain he had previously caused her in leaving, and how she felt when she had expressed her emotions and that it had not changed his course of action. (I recall that day painfully and know I wouldn't do that to our children for a gazillion dollars)

THEN her Father's Day card went on to say something to the effect of "I'm ready to let you back in my heart now, and am working on forgiving you..." Surprisingly H showed me the card and said something like, "That's what this job has cost me, not to mention the money they promised...."

I am not sure h understands all the costs of his choices yet, and maybe never will. Our son once said it "would destroy dad" if he knew the full truth. Those are big things to say, that weigh heavily on my heart as we try to move forward. But we are moving forward, 2 steps forward and then one backward...(sigh)

But d19 IS forgiving him, as far as I can tell. That's a miracle I hope h appreciates. He is here now for the holidays and seems happy to be here. I do love him and he does love us. But he's a bit too much of an Alpha male for me just now, so maybe YOU MEN can help me there. He kind of takes over the house 5 min after entering, as if we haven't been on our own for months without him, and yet somehow surviving. He'll re-arrange something we already had sorted our own way. It's a little thing, but it's controlling as hell, and usually feels like we are being critisized. I hope there is another way to receive his actions, but both d's and I don't feel good about it. I've kept my thoughts to myself so far, and it was good to share a bed together... any better way to see it, you Alphas out there? I want to know it isn't about him being a jerk or sliding backwards...

Frankd, is there a post of yours where you explain how you knew your w was going back in the tunnel, or did I misinterpret your history? I thought you guys were in "piecing" for awhile, or moving towards it, and then she got wacky again. Is that the case? IF SO, how'd you know she was regressing?

Don't worry, I'm not totally paranoid yet. Just smarter I think. And we did the tree last night and watched "The Office" DVDs and laughed together and it was really nice. H seemed "nourished" for lack of a better term.

Maybe someday, your w will see that when the family is together, that is what was, and that is what she threw away.

But HER issues with the girls are HER responsibility, not yours. All you can do is not block access. And as for changing the locks, I disagree with the advice not to do it. SHE has left the home already and although her name may be on the title, that does not give her the right to make OTHERS accessible to the home and THAT is your focus; the children's safety. It's not about locking HER out, at this point, although it's a nice byproduct. It's about her judgement and that of some OM you don't know, or trust...As long as you can say, straight faced, that your concern is safety of the kids, imho you are fine.

Do you know anything about what your w's expectations are financially speaking? Since SHE has left the home, I can only assume she is not asking for the house and selling it NOW, would be financial suicide. Hope she understands that. And since she hasn't taken the girls with her, she obviously doesn't expect physical custody, correct? So, you are the deserted spouse, in a no fault state. The girls are with you primarily and it's the family home. Hmmm. The WAS has keys to the home she left and lives with someone who has access to those keys and changing the locks MAY NOT be a priority to you. I get that. I'm only asking b/c you don't know anything about OM.

FYI----not to scare you, but Last year the security alarm system we had here was on the blink, and a weird guy came out to fix it. He gave off wacko vibes, if you know what I mean. No eye contact, shifted and figeted a LOT...couldn't explain the problem well at all (and I was actually interested). And I had two D's at home. He took an incredibly long time to determine the problem, going back and forth to my bedroom where the "problem alarm wiring" was. Then he had a very expensive & complicated solution proposed. It made me realize the system had not properly been working for some time but had been billing me a lot. So I said, "no thanks".

I replaced the whole system a month ago with a diff company. THEY told me that the "broken" thing was intentionally disconnected and NOT broken at all....yikes!

SO, either the first guy wanted to rip me off and cost me a fortune, or... worse...wth???? Creepy, huh? So we changed the system and ALL the codes, etc. Gross.

Just letting you know where I'm coming from and of course, my first 3 years as a criminal defense attorney have colored my views on some things...so take my words with a grain of salt, okay? But still, it's creepy...and on THAT note, Merry Christmas!

J-